Depressed and angry

[Veryashamed12]

I'm a long time poster but I've name changed as I'm so ashamed.

I have 2 DC one is 4 and the other 10 weeks.

I feel like I'm just not coping at all, im very angry all the time and feel depressed.

My baby has been diagnosed with milk allergy and I'm so worried about her. My older child is pushing me to the brink. He does nothing I ask him to do and everything is a battle. I feel like I'm shouting a lot and I've smacked a couple of times too. Last night I was trying to put him to bed and he kept getting off the bed when I was trying to change him into pyjamas and I kept putting him back on his bed and he ended up hitting his ear on the foot of the bed. Tears ensued and I felt awful.

I feel as though sometimes i hate my four year old child. Each day I try and say things will be different and by the end of the day I end up shouting and occasionally smacking.

Before I had the baby I used to get angry but not as often as its occurring now.

I think th kids would be better off without me, I really want to be a better mother but I'm stuck in this rut.

Naturally, baby is still waking at night and I feel tired and isolated. I just want to run away and never come back.

I don't want to smack and shout and would like to have a good relationship but I'm lost.

Please help.

Oh you poor thing, and poor DS too, he is playing up because he feels left out, you are sleep deprived.

You need to cry all over someone and beg for help.

Do you have a partner? Do they help?

He's playing up because since the new baby has come his mam is cross and shouty all of the time. He won't understand.

You need some physical help and a break. I would maybe also have a chat with your GP as well.

Thanks for your replies. I do have a DH and he's great but he's at work during the week.

Thanks for not making me feel any worse. I think I'm going to speak to GP in the coming week, as last night I don't even want to wake up again. I don't want to do much apart from sleep and watch TV.

We have no family nearby and mostly it's just me and DH.

I was looking online and saw that I could do Triple P online and I'm going to start that and see if it helps as it can't go on like it is.

Don't be ashamed.
I have one four year old and he pushes me to my absolute limits most days.
I don't have the "reason" of a new baby for this, he's getting my full attention and still he argues all day with me, will not do what he's told, refuses to eat most meals and generally is a pain in the arse (lovable and all as he can be).
I have found four the toughest age since newborn.
You'll all be ok.

Thanks for the kind replies.

I'm going to speak to GP this week and see if I can get any help.

Worth contacting a local F E college? Often they have childcare students that need baby placements and can be a fantastic extra pair of hands if you have no local family to help?

You sound like you're depressed and so very tired, you poor thing; you're not a bad Mum or a horrid person or any of the horrid thoughts you're having about yourself, you're a human being who is probably hugely lacking in sleep who has reached a breaking point. Many many people have the same, so please try to be a little kinder to yourself

Definitely see your doctor, it may be you need some assistance in terms of medication for a while, or other source of support, and there's no shame in that. Hopefully you have a good GP, be honest with them and hoping they can help. Do you have friends / family locally who could give you a bit of a break each week? Or even childcare setting for older dc to give you space and rest? Sometimes life really drags us down, but it does get lighter again, honest, just hard to remember that inside that dark tired cloud.
Warm thoughts and hugs for you x

Thanks for your very kind replies.

Today has been much better with older DC, no shouting or anything and they even went to bed without any silliness. Hopefully this is the start of things turning better.

I will be honest with GP, just need some help to get through this bit.

We are planning on going to inlaws for Christmas just for a bit of extra support.

I was worried about posting this as thought I'd get totally flamed, but I'm very thankful for your kind and supportive replies x