Ignoring 9 yr olds bad attitude

[peppajay]

My 9 yr old is going through a phase of bad attitude. The way she talks to me and my husband is shocking- she barks at us and shouts a us all the time. Constantly whinging and moaning. She rarely has a nice word to say to us. I have tried confiscating her ipod but she doesn't really worry as she just finds something else to do, if I send her to bed early she just creates and screams and we ignore her until me or my husband give in and give her some attention by usually getting us so riled up we shout back. She loves shouting matches and confrontations. Me and my husband always pull her up for rudeness and lack of respect but it is like she does it for a reaction and the chance to fight back so we are thinking we are thinking we may ignore it. Her latest answer to us last night was 'nothing will work- you love me so you are not going to chuck me out or sell me on ebay- you are stuck with me and I know you wont do anything to hurt me so I can speak to you how I want' !!!!! And of course I reacted by shouting back. When she was little at about 3 she was really hard work she was so stubborn and she would cry and scream until we gave in - one day we ignored her demands and she made herself sick from all the crying and she never did it again - but can and should we ignore pure rudeness.

However when she is at school or anything out of the house she is a model child she is so polite and well mannered. Every teacher says she is a credit to us and she acheieves in everything she does. She is a house captain , school council member she reads at church and is generally so well behaved around others but really seems to want to fight with me and my husband.

So we are thinking ignoring the way she talks to us but she is making being in the house horrible at the moment.

I believe in choosing my battles but wouldn't ignore rudeness. I have said "when you alter your tone/ speak nicely/ stop the shouting and screaming then I will speak to you but until then leave this room/ go to your room" I've also asked "Did you mean to speak to me like that or did you just forget your good manners?" which works because it makes them think about what has been said.
When your dd is calm then have a discussion, explain that you don't like how she is behaving and aren't prepared to put up with it. Let her know that in future unless she is speaking respectfully then you won't be responding but will do as soon as she addresses that.
Mine are older now but it took no time at all before a simple "Excuse me" and a raised eyebrow stopped them in their racks.

God I feel your pain. I have an 11yo DD and from age 8 she has been horrendous, sounds exactly the way you describe your daughter.

I actually went back to basics and did a reward chart that was age appropriate for her. And as hard as it was I would walk away from her when she was being rude, but it took me practically biting my arm to stop me from losing it with her. I would address her attitude once we were both calm telling her it was unacceptable to speak to me like that.

It's been hard but at 11 we are slowly coming out the other side. I think hormones play a massive part and a lot of the time I know she didn't like the way she was behaving, but couldn't control it.

If she starts now, I just give her The Look and she slinks away defeated .

Good luck