Struggling with my 1 week old

[Noof]

I had my first baby a week ago after a straightforward pregnancy and birth. He was a much wanted baby and I never thought I would feel like this once he arrived.

I expected that once I got my baby, it would be difficult - but that the overwhelming love I had for him would carry me through. But that never happened. I feel awful admitting it, but I don't love him - and I'm terrified that I never will. I feel like I made a massive mistake having him and that I was never meant to be a mother.

I'm hugely sleep-deprived, which doesn't help - he wakes every 1.5 hrs in the night and then won't settle for an hour or so, and in the day will rarely sleep anywhere apart from with me. But instead of feeling like it's ok because he's my son, I feel like I resent him for it and I regret having him.

These feelings then make me feel even more low because I feel guilty - I know I shouldn't feel this way and I desperately want that mythical bond with him, but I just can't find it. I cry every day, and I've lost interest in doing the activities I used to enjoy. My life feels like a cycle of feed-cry-feed-cuddle with no positives (apart from my wonderful husband who is being incredibly supportive, and cuddling me every time I cry and sitting up with me at night).

I feel awful just putting this stuff out there as I know it makes me sound like the world's worst mother, but I'm getting desperate to hear that this is normal and it will just go away and I will love my child.

Op how you feel is so so so so normal! No one tells you how hard and overwhelming a newborn can be. It is really hard work and like others have said relentless! Try and do nothing, NOTHING! , as long as you eat and feed the baby that is job done for the day!

Other things that helped me (DS could spend 2-4 hours screaming of a night and it was the longest darkest winter for 40 years which didn't help....) a wrap so that he is close to you and you can use both hands. Not for everyone but if it works for you it is amazing!

The love will grow, I promise! But going to your gp might be a good idea. I've done PND it isn't pretty. It is hard, but it is normal!

DS will be 3 soon. I can't believe so much time has passed. Now I can say that I love him in a way I cannot put into words. Even he is an area hole at times

Oh my love.

What you are experiencing, as confirmed by so many people on here, is so normal. I know exactly how you feel. Your whole world has contracted down to this tiny being and your routine consists of nothing but catering to their physical needs and a good old smattering of sobbing. I remember feeling so utterly altered. I could not imagine finding pleasure in the same things any more. I did not think that I would ever laugh spontaneously again or do something for the sheer pleasure of it. I did not recognise the person I was.

It passes. Oh I promise it passes. It is most likely exhaustion, hormones and a massive adjustment. Keep an open dialogue with the health visitor and your husband. Ask if there is any perinatal support available in the community and try not to panic. The feeling of wtf have I done, I have made a mistake is very common.

I never had that rush of love. With dd it did happen overnight but not when she was brand new and it was more like a dawning realisation than a magic moment. With my ds, it grew slowly until it was an undeniable, immutable fact of life but he was months old, not even weeks old. You are exhausted and hormonal. It is okay to not have room for more than that at the moment. You are going to be fine.

I remember the first day we brought DD home. I think I sobbed for 10 hours straight. I was SO overwhelmed. I was desperate to BF but she couldn't latch properly. I felt like a failure. I didn't feel any overwhelming love, just overwhelming responsibility. I felt guilty for that too. I think that it all normal!
But that first smile, I burst into tears and realised just how much I loved her. It takes time. You have to get to know him.
I was lucky that DP had 4 weeks paternity leave, but even after that he took every Wednesday off for a month. It meant I never had to do more than 2 days on my own. It was a massive help to my frame of mind.
Also I recommend taking turns with DH staying up. It took DP and I about a week to realise this was a necessity. Things become much better with even 2 hours of sleep!

Entirely normal Noof.

The first few weeks were so bloody difficult, I remember crying about it at the HV and she made me a brew and told me everyone feels the same! I Hated the tiny baby phase. Hang in there

Slowly it gets easier, DD cried very 20mins for the first weeks and barely slept so 1.5hrs seems pretty good!

Be kind to each other, and remember - this too shall pass.

I felt exactly the same. When I had my dd nearly 13 years ago now I sank into a very deep depression about the whole thing and how it wasn't at all what I imagined it would be - I never experienced that surge of love and whereas other people seemed to cope reasonably well with lack of sleep I literally wanted to die. I hated the way my life had changed literally overnight. For me my pnd was so severe I ended up on strong medication but even so I still made a full recovery and I love my dd now more than ever - I have to be honest though and say it did take until she was regularly sleeping through and became more communicative to feel that way as I felt I had some of my old life back.

I wish people talked this way more, there are so many of us that feel this way and it's very rarely the horrors of newborn parenting is ever honestly talked about. Maybe if we did all say how shit it is more often people might not find it all such a shock.

I cried every day for weeks after my DS was born. I felt overwhelmed, anxious and so so tired. It got better around 6weeks and gradually improved more. I love him intensely.

He's now 3months and sleeps through the night, feeds on a regular schedule and doesn't spend every eve crying with colic.

My advice... meet other mums with tiny babies. My NCT group is a lifeline, we meet 2-3x week for coffee, cake, walks and a good chat. I also go to baby massage and a BF support group.

Using a baby Bjorn carrier has given me so much freedom, I can now get the bus, go for walks and take taxis without wrestling the pram/travel system. I can go shopping without needing to use lifts and I can wee in public loos without lugging pram in with me! Also he cries less in the carrier. I often wear it at home so I can get on with housework, make my lunch etc. At first I felt tired easily but I've adapted to carrying him around, my strength and fitness improved. I also BF him in it so I can BF while walking or getting on with things.

Try to spend quality time with your DH. Order a takeaway, watch films, go for walks together, cuddle. Express milk so your DH can do some of the feeds.

It will get easier. You will sleep properly again. In a few weeks your son will be laughing, smiling and gazing at you with adoration. You will heal from the birth. The cloud will lift.

I'm sorry you're having a hard time - I'd like to add my voice to the chorus saying it's normal. It took me months to really feel love for my baby - the lack of sleep was a huge factor, as was the feeling that I'd traded my whole life for an existence that involved totally ignoring all my own needs (sleep, food, fun) for those of a screaming person I didn't know yet.

Please look after yourself, be honest with your health visitor, and be aware of the fact that if the feelings don't settle you might be suffering from a degree of post natal depression like I was. It's very common, mums who receive help do recover, and there's support both in real life and online if you need it.

But equally you may just be reacting to the massive change that's happened in your life. The crying will lessen. The sleep will increase. Life will improve. You can't imagine it now but you'll get back to your interests, to work (if you want), to eating with two hands, drinking tea while it's hot, seeing your friends, actually mentally relaxing. I promise. My son recently turned one. I'm back at work a couple of days a week, I'm socialising, sleeping at night, and enjoying being his mummy. But take it one day at a time. Do message me if you need any company. I've been where you are, and it's lonely and weird.

Just another one here who felt exactly as you did. It is incredibly difficult, nothing prepares you for how your life changes. I had a massive moment of feeling - oh my goodness, my life as I knew it is completely over. That was a week or so after our beloved, much much wanted son was born. I was beyond exhausted, so anxious and hugely overwhelmed physically and mentally.

But honestly, at this stage, try not to overthink it - just get through each feed, each hour, each nappy change. By 6 weeks you will look back and see how far you've come. By 6 months things will seem so much better and easier. By a year you will (virtually certainly) absolutely adore your wee one. It will come.

Don't worry about feeling as you do, it's natural. Give yourself a break, stop beating yourself up. Talk about it to DH, to the HV, to whoever you trust. It will get better.

and congratulations.

Lordy Lou, I remember it well. I didn't bond with my DS straight away - it was unbelievably hard. I cared for him
very well and was very "fond" of him BUT didn't love him at first. He was an easy baby and now 4.6 and I'm OBSESSED with him. He's just perfect.

DD was an utter nightmare of a baby but her and I just had it from day one, it's a lottery but what you are experiencing is completely and utterly normal and it's great you recognise it. Work with it, don't be afraid of your feelings and I promise you, you'll come out the other side.

Oh, and if it's stressing you out at all - drop BFeeding. FF allows you a break, sounds like you need it.

and , firstly, and congratulations.

What you're experiencing is normal. The first few weeks are hell. I was on very strong painkillers from an EMCS and infection, so remember very little detail but I remember feeling the exact same way.

I resented having to (figuratively) run around after him, and I got nothing back from him; all he did was eat, sleep and cry. Then I felt guilty because I should be grateful, as I'd had a mmc prior to him and wanted him so badly. The best word to describe the newborn stage is relentless - especially if you're breastfeeding.

It took me until DS was about 4 or 5 months to bond with him - because of the previous miscarriage, I didn't expect to be able to keep him, if that makes sense. But the more he developed a personality and I got to know him, the more I fell in love with him.

Where possible, get out and speak to other mums. A lot of the baby groups serve tea and toast (and biscuits, usually ) and I've found that often at baby and toddler groups, the mums of toddlers will gladly steal your little one for a cuddle, giving you 5 minutes to drink a cup of tea in peace!

I agree with making yourself a packed lunch - that was the only reason I ate for about 3 weeks after DH went back to work. And keep an insulated mug to hand for hot drinks, and cold drinks as well - anything you can drink out of from odd angles and not worry about spilling.

It's all normal. I was the same.. It was soo upsetting.. I use to get angry at my DS etc but it didn't last long.. I think once you start getting into a routine and when it gets easier it's amazing how the feeling changes.. I was crying and cursing myself I was saying to DH first and last child and wouldn't have another baby ever.. but when I think back I just don't know why I felt like that..

I wouldn't change my DS for the world and would defo want another baby.. Maybe in a years time

Thank you all - HV sent me straight to the GP, who prescribed me anti-depressants and recommended my husband take some extra days off work. We've also started giving 1 bottle a day so I get a break and my husband can feed, and I've been to a local mum and baby group to meet some other people. This has made a huge difference, and whilst I wouldn't say that mythical bond is there yet I no longer resent my baby or feel like I want to put him down and walk out (so the guilt is also decreasing).

Thank you for your reassurance - I would never have spoken up to the healthcare professionals if I hadn't been comforted by you all saying it was normal and nothing to be ashamed of.

Oh you poor love. As everyone else has said, it's really really normal to feel like this. I tried for years for my DD and every fertility treatment there is - still, at the same point you're at I felt I'd made a terrible, terrible mistake. I didn't get any of the rush of love either; it was very much a slow-burner. At almost two, I'm now totally besotted with her. Even if she won't go to fucking sleep.

It DOES get easier. It really does. A little bit at a time. Take all the help you can get, say bollocks to housework, sleep where you can and be really gentle with yourself.

Glad to hear your HV and GP were helpful. Take care.

Glad you're feeling a bit better OP.
The bond will come and that rush of love women describe - I really don't think many women actually feel that completely, straight away - especially not with their first. The whole experience is so overwhelming and a bit scary at times. You have this new responsibility that you can never really, truly prepare for, and don't forget your hormones are still all over the place. I remember crying a lot, about nothing, and feeling pretty numb to the rest of it.

No one on here will judge you, I think we can all relate to how you're feeling. it can be very lonely to feel like that with a newborn because no one really talks about it so you feel like you're the only mother in the world who isn't instantly in love with their baby. People say things like 'isn't it the best thing ever?!' And you think 'not right now it's not, no!'
Sleep deprivation makes it 100 times worse. It passes, every extra hour of sleep you get a night makes you feel more and more human again.

I hope you're feeling much better soon.

Another one who felt exactly the same. I didn't want her for the first 8 weeks and had that feeling of dread in my stomach knowing id made a huge mistake. Sleep deprivation is a killer. The first few weeks are harder than you could ever imagine and nobody can prepare you for that.

You do love him, or you wouldn't be posting here. I'm happy to report my DD is now six months old and I love her so much it hurts. Nothing would make me return to those newborn weeks though. Nothing.

DD2 is 8 days old today and I feel exactly the same as you OP. It was exactly the same with DD1 in the early days - I really do not enjoy the newborn phase at all. Both were tricky feeders (DD1 had lip tie, DD2 has that and possible posterior tongue tie). Both fed/feed for hours at a time and are rarely settled for more than 1-2 hours in between. This time I know things will get better as they get older and that in the scheme of things, this phase doesn't last long, but I have still spent quite a lot of today in tears at the relentlessness of it all. I also feel terribly guilty about how DD1 is finding it all and worry how I will cope when DH is back at work. I miss the one to one time with her desperately .

However, although you might not feel that bond with your DS now, I promise it will come. It helps massively when they start smiling and interacting more. That overwhelming feeling of love WILL come - probably why I feel so rotten about what having a second child means for DD1 in the short term! Speak to your midwife and HV about how you feel so they can keep an eye on you, try to get out of the house at least once a day and hunker down with a boxset/Netflix. It does get easier - as I am currently reminding myself 100 times a day!

So so normal, in fact when my friends ask me for advice I just tell them the first six weeks is a right off. Don't have any expectations of sleeping, feeling happy/ overjoyed.
After six weeks they get into a routine, sleep much better. I also was told by a health visitor friend to use formula a bit and it was a life saver, she slept so much better after formula. With my second I new what to expect and my mental health was much more in tact and I enjoyed her from the start. It will come my love, just takes a little while.

I felt the same with my first too. I can remember thinking, 'I'm glad that I don't love her, it will make it easier to raise her.'
At some point you will come to love your ds so much, that you just smile looking at him.
Enormous responsibility to be a parent, but in the end it's a privilege.

Get food you can eat one handed by fork or spoon.

For all the new mums out there - I've written this piece which kind of sums it up. I think we all have a rather rose tinted view of what motherhood will be like:
www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/whats-on/family-kids-news/what-new-mums-need-know-10698513
Hope you like it!

You are so normal.

The sleep deprivation is probably the main culprit. I was half mad with sleep deprivation, and deep down really resented this baby for waking me up. I felt obliged to care for her, but I looked at her and felt nothing. I would have happily handed her over to someone else.

I was also very anxious and depressed. Antidepressants helped me. I only took them for around six months. With hindsight I maybe should have stayed on them for longer.

But first of all, you need sleep. Take any help offered so you can try to catch up a little. That will really help.

I have to admit the newborn stage I didn't particularly enjoy either. I know some people love it. But in many ways it's all work for no reward.

Starts to get a lot better over the next few weeks and months. When you get first smiles and when they can coo and 'chat' it all seems much more worthwhile. Don't worry the bonding will come soon.

I felt like a spaceman for the first couple of weeks. I would have laid down my life for DD but I didn't feel a big exciting rush of love. It's grown over time.

The first week is also when your milk comes in, which comes with massive hormonal changes and made me feel panicky, weepy and like I'd made a mistake. I mourned for my relationship with my husband, we never spent any time together as we slept in shifts. DD would initially only sleep on us, never in her basket. BFing hurt like hell.

It is totally normal, you are not a bad mother at all!

It is so much better now. It will get better for you too. You'll get your sleep back, your evenings back, you'll get to know and enjoy your baby. DD is 7.5 months and my husband and I have 7pm onwards to ourselves, we cook nice meals, we get babysitters and go to the cinema, we've been on holiday. Plus DD is a delight, funny, cute, chatty and utterly adorable.

Things that worked for me: get out every day. The daylight helps keep the depression away. Shower and dress in the mornings. Download podcasts and listen to them so you hear other voices. I found the adult voices talking about interesting topics incredibly reassuring.

I so remember the grind of the first 8 weeks - you and your baby are normal and I can promise you it does and will get better. My advice would be to seek out and take all help you can from anyone - HV, family, friends - you will feel so much better when supported.

My DS BF fed every 2 hours night and day for the first six weeks and for the first week wouldn't sleep anywhere that wasn't me or my DH. It was exhausting. I can recommend getting a cocoona baby. Expensive but worked. He still wanted feeding every 5 minutes but I could at least put him down. I bought a breast pump and my DH did any feeds from 05:00 am from a bottle and left me to sleep uninterrupted for a couple of hours until he had to go to work - made such a difference. I used a sling to carry DS around on me with so I could get at least some things done. Breast feeding was an issue so i went to every breast feeding clinic in the area until we had cracked it.

Everyone is different but for me it was important that I went out every day - so I walked to the shops (slowly) or went for a coffee . I made sure i had a shower (him in the bouncy chair in the bathroom). Then slowly it got better. We introduced a routine from 8 weeks (bath, book, boob and bed) and then he started sleeping better although napping was a bit of an issue for a few months longer. From 10 weeks he went into the local leisure centre crèche for a couple of hours a week whilst I went for a swim and had a coffee on my own. I joined lots of baby classes - baby massage, baby sensory, sing and sign, buggy fit. Good for him and for me!

Now at 10 months he sleeps through the night, we go out, we have been on holiday, he goes to nursery and loves it and I am back at work. He is an absolute joy. Something I would not ever have thought possible.

Wishing you all the very best of luck. xx