I will apologise in advance for the long meandering post. To be honest it's not an AIBU but a post for help....
I finally admit it. I am struggling. I love my son with all my being but I am struggling. I am a victim of my own stupidity and control freak tendancies. I cannot let/ask for help because I am such a control freak, yet I am not coping because I feel I have so much to do. It's taken 15 months to finally admit to my husband I am struggling and that sometimes I just need a break. I just dont get this whole parenting stuff. How you do it 24/7 and don't burn out and explode.
Right now I hate work. Everyone is on such a downer due to internal issues that it's not enjoyable.
I have so much going on right now that all I want to do is crawl into bed and hide.
I just can't switch off. I am always worrying about something. However small or large. I can;t switch off from DS.
I get wound up over such small things that are really not worth noting.
I get frustrated that DS is his own little self. Not just the cute bits but also the tantrumming, grumpy little boy who is discovering the world
Last night I think DH finally realised (because of my lack of asking him for help) that I was struggling when I said "I just can't do this anymore" re DS being a typical toddler and going to bed at 7 yet faffing around for an hour, involving several put back downs by me the night before before he finally went to sleep at 8. I went and had a soak in the bath, earphones in so I couldnt hear anything whilst he did bedtime (for an hour) with son. I couldnt even bring myself to go into the room. Which in itself I wanted to beat myself up over because what kind of monster cant even go into their sons room?
Then I called my mum and admitted how much I am struggling and bawled my eyes out because I feel it's a weakness to admit I am struggling.
Then I sat with DS fast asleep on me and bawled my eyes out to him telling him how much I love him and Im sorry for being cross.
I feel utterly exhausted all the time. I am undergoing tests to find out why. My memory is so unbelievably shocking I wonder how I even remember my name right now.
where do I go from here