Worried about DS2's friend

[JumpandScore]

They've been friends since infant school and the boys have spent a lot of time at each other's houses. Now year 8.

I've never been a fan of the child. He's always seemed a bit spoilt and sulky. e.g nothing I give him to eat is as good as what he gets at home and he's more than happy to tell me so and he doesn't seem to know how to deal with being told no, even now, but he hasn't caused me or DS any major problems.

His parents split about 2 years ago and contact arrangements have recently been sorted (as Dad now has a house) so that he spends alternate weeks with each parent. I have no details about the split, none of my business.

Anyway, he "hates" his Dad and on Dad's weeks he seems to have moved into my house! Coming here straight from school (with DS while I'm still at work) and basically having to be thrown out when I think it's time to leave. Then it's about a mile home so I either have to take him, or let him walk home alone in the dark, which I'm not comfortable doing. If he contacts Dad for a lift I get told he can't come until x time, but I suspect he's not asking Dad because he doesn't want to go home.

I don't know either parent beyond saying hello at drop off time when they were little, but don't even get that now. I have Mum's contact details but not Dad's.

Tonight his dad phoned him while he was here. They had a heated discussion (which I obviously only heard one side of) where friend told Dad where he was and Dad didn't believe him - threatened to call the police if he didn't go home I'm sure it was an empty threat, it's a tactic that they've used to try and discipline him since he was small, but he's not daft and refused to leave.

Anyway police didn't arrive and neither did Dad. DS1 and DS2 walked him home about 6:30.

I am at a loss. I feel like I should put my foot down, but if he is seeing us as a refuge don't want to take that away. Also, both his parents give in to him easily (see tonight) so I'm not sure they'd approve of me being firmer. He seems an unhappy troubled child, but that's been the case since he was 5yo TBH. I can't have him here all the time though, not least because DS2 is doing no homework!

What do I do?

I would contact his mum and explain what is going on. Tell her he is welcome to come over if he feels he needs a break from dad but either needs to be leaving at a set time say 4.30pm or only come over 2/3 days a week so your DS doesnt fall behind. The problem I foresee is that no one will be around to enforce this in your house, would your DS tell his friend he is not allowed over?

Thanks MrsH. I did think about ringing mum but that would be taking sides and interfering? Technically it's Dad's issue on these days?

Ds has told him he can't come todaybecause ds is "busy", so it seems he's had enough too. Remains to be seen if he succumbs to the whining (like everyone else does) I'm home by 5pm so they're only on their own for an hour or so

I'd speak to the mother just to give her the facts. That doesn't mean you are judging. You don't know the background, so the dad may believe his ex wife is refusing to let their ds see him (hence not believing he was at yours).

Yes, Fabraine . Thinking about it, I think that's why dad didn't believe he was here - because he thought he was at mum's, hence the threat of police, although still

You need to get Dad's number so you can communicate directly, then the friend can't wriggle out of going home etc. I don't let my DDs friends come round to play if I don't have a contact number for their parent. It's not like you have to be best buds, just a wee text re arrangements.

Are your kids younger Keeptrudging? I agree that's how it was in junior school, that's why have mum's number. It doesn't seem to work like that now. They make all their own arrangements without any parental involvement.

DD 12, but have an older DS. When he was a teenager, I had contact numbers for parents of friends who were regularly at our house/came for sleepovers.

Spoilt and sulky ... or an abuse victim? The speed with which the dad made police threats (super controlling) that he didn't intend to keep would make me worry, combined with the child's real refusal to go and be with the dad.

I'd worry for this child, I really would. I know he may be difficult, but unless he's actually cruel or abusive himself, I would try to offer a refuge if possible. I would also not be afraid to enforce manners and such on him--he needs to learn them from somewhere, and it's quite possible that his father is the same as he is, always complaining and being a jerk when hospitality is provided. Kids repeat what they know.