Please help: feeling desperate about wilful, demanding toddler (plus newborn)

[CityDweller]

I fear I've lost my way parenting my 2.5 yo DD. She is, of course, often delightful. But she's also 'wilful' (I hate that term), demanding, bossy and prone to shouting, a lot, whining. I've lost any sense of how to manage this 'bad' or 'negative' behaviour and I think DH and I are being inconsistent. Everyone says 'ignore the bad behaviour, praise the good' thing - but surely doesn't that mean you end up tolerating rude behaviour (e.g. her shouting or throwing things)? I don't want to be constantly saying 'don't' or reprimanding her behaviour, but neither do I want to be totally permissive and allow rudeness or, e.g., her pushing other children or shouting at me. She is also resistant about all sorts of usual toddler things (wearing a coat, getting dressed, getting undressed, brushing teeth, very picky about food, etc). She's not very good at playing on her own and demands almost constant attention. Things that don't seem to work: forcing her to do something (she'll just tantrum ad infinitum), giving her a choice of two things if neither of them is something she wants to do (e.g. 'you can wear your coat or your hoodie, which one?' She'll just reply that she doesn't want to wear either).

Other relevant info: she's very articulate/ verbal - complex sentences, wide vocab, etc. I had a baby a month ago. We moved house recently. So, a lot of unsettling change, I know, but she was like this before the baby/move. But, on my side, the stress of the move and the exhaustion of having a newborn isn't helping me on the coping front. So I must admit that I'm not as patient as I could be and have shouted a few times in the past month, something I'm not proud of

I need cast iron tips/ rules on how to help my toddler through this phase. Ideally ones that don't involve rewards/ punishments/ naughty step.

Help - before I completely lose it!

And I should add I shouted at my 2 year old when I had a newborn...and felt awful but it's normal

I just do look back with some regret at the way I saw him as such a challenge when I now see it as completely developmentally normal. This is what 2 year old do.

My coping tactics that have worked;

When whinging for no reason I explain that if he wants to carry on he can do it on his own in his room

Use the two options thing when they're both choices she's happy with

I use the naughty step and do so everywhere. Shops, restaurants etc I have no shame.

Try not to worry, all kids have their moments. She just has lots of character. Hats off to you having another, brave lady.

Oh she definitely has character, which also manifests in lots of lovely and adorably bonkers ways.

But yes - thanks for reminding me to see the positives. I'm possibly also projecting my own uncertainty, anxiety and, frankly, unhappiness over our move onto her. Poor mite - it's been a hell of a month, but it can only get better (hopefully!)

Oh City, it has been a difficult time for you. Any move is difficult but it sounds as though this one has been worse with its timing and possibly other things. Be kind to yourself.
I re-read your first post and with a new baby of only a month you will be at a difficult time too with the new baby - past the real excitement of the early days and relief after delivery, but now the sleep deprivation is kicking in and crying is probably quite a feature at this age.

Can you find any playgroups that you can get to with both when you feel ready? Put the baby in a sling and try to chat to other mums of toddlers. There will probably be others with new babies too. At least you can be busy with the toddler rather than having to make chat in the baby area if that is difficult (it's not my cup of tea, besides the fact that you're trying to watch your toddler's not pushing someone else off toys etc)
It takes a while to find "kindred spirits" in a new place. Invite people over if you can face it. I found it better to try to make friends with mums of toddlers rather than newborns as invariably they understand that parenting a toddler is hard etc and will probably be happy to hold your baby whilst you have a cup of tea / stop the toddlers climbing on everything.

I have a 2.11 year old... And we are starting to come out of the awfulness that you are in!

We use bribery, if she gets in and out of her car seat nicely, without running off or climbing all over the car, she gets 2 sweets at the end of the afternoon. It's only at the end of the afternoon as we are phasing it out!

We also have a sanction (I prefer it to punishment!) of 'sitting by the door' which is reserved for things like intentionally hurting ds, hitting me.. That kinda thing.
But, it's wonderful, because I can use it as a thread! When she throws a book I can say 'do you want to sit by the door?' Answer obviously no, so I say 'then remember your a lovely girlie then please!, why don't you pick a book for us to read?' And it seems to defuse the situation

I also remind her how nice she is, normally when she's being fairly bad, such as attacking ds all morning but then strokes his head (about to hit him..) 'dd, your trying so hard to be lovely today, than you' and it takes the wind out of her sails for the hitting

Also, and this is the biggest one, a routine! Depending on your dc, but some children really flourish with one, and your dd sounds similar to mine. We go to toddlers every morning where she knows there's biscuits and if she doesn't want to put her shoes on then il say 'oh that's a shame, I was looking forward to having a play with you on the trampolines..... Oh, il see if (baby) wants to go instead.....' Which is normally met with her running over not wanting to miss out!

It's probably not ideal, but works for us.

Also,
Might be worth having a look and seeing if there is a parents as first teachers course near you,
We really love it

Some of it might be built-up frustration if she's hearing a lot of 'no' 'dont' 'stop' at the moment (must be difficult with new baby). Have you tried changing the language you use so that it's positive prompts more than chastising words? Toddlers have a really hard time with impulse control, they need an almost constant external monologue to guide their behaviour sometimes I think, and of course like anyone of any age the more this guidance is positive the better. Otherwise they just dig their heels in and you end up at loggerheads.

Also: another useful strategy is to make your toddler's soft toys your allies. My toddler seems to take instruction and suggestion far for readily when it comes from her stuffed monkey.