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Neighbouring kids coming into the house to play - do you have ground rules?

22 replies

Tinker · 16/05/2004 12:58

Or am I just an old grouch? Overjoyed as I am that my daughter has friends she plays with in the street, from the moment she wakes up she is asking can they come in. This usually gets a 'Can't you just wait 'til I'm up?' response but I can see this is going to be a recurring problem throughout the summer.

What do other people do? Is you house just open house for your child's friends or do you have some ground rules about this? Am I wrong to just want a bit of privacy, sometimes, in my own house?

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Freckle · 16/05/2004 13:02

Not a problem we experience here as there are few children in our road. However, if this were to change, I suspect that I would set a few ground rules, such as not before a certain time (at weekends), children to check with their parents first, and all children out by meal times (not one for feeding the neighbourhood!).

Janh · 16/05/2004 13:12

Definitely have an entry time, Tink, and a taking turns rule, so if child A played at your house last week, DD plays at their house this week. (Two at a time complicates matter but I'm sure a woman of your intelligence can work something out!)

Janh
Professional Grouch.

WideWebWitch · 16/05/2004 13:20

Tinks, I'd say not before a certain time I think if I were you (i.e. there's NO point in waking you up early just so they can come in) and agree with Janh, if they come to your house she must go to theirs sometimes too. My mum even says to her (adopted) 6yo dd "Nope, you can't go to x's house until she's invited you back there," so strict is she about taking turns. The children in their street then relay it to their parents who either take their turn or don't get invited again.

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collision · 16/05/2004 13:42

.....and definitely out at meal times! For a start, you dont want to be feeding them and neither do you want them watching you eat!!

tigermoth · 16/05/2004 19:56

tinker, I hate my house being an open house all the time.

Don't know if this would work for you but I get children to play and chat in the hall and front steps. I keep the front door open or on the latch, but am within hearing distance so would instantly know if someone comes into the living room or up the stairs. This means the house does not get taken over. I check who is on the step very regularly - and can get a good idea of what is going on by the noise or lack of it. I get uneasy if children I hardly know are in and out of all our rooms. If I have invited children inside properly, I tell them what rooms they can go in and stick to this. I never let them play in my sons' bedroom - don't want them thumping up and down the stairs and don't want any child saying to their parents I was in 'x's' bedroom and 'y' happened. OK very paranoid, but it's a rule I stick to unless the children are real friends of my sons and are on a proper playdate.

I aim to let my sons only play with one type of toy at a time, then put it away - they can fetch things from their room but no one is allowed up to choose with them. I like them to keep track of what's outside. I don''t let my sons take out certain small or expensive toys - my past is littered with stories of stolen pokemon cards and footballs and sadly, even the odd gameboy game. Also, toys end up getting mysteriously broken so I am very watchful if older children or children I don't know start playing with my sons' toys. I have no qualms about taking the toys in pronto if I feel uneasy. And that includes bikes and scooters - an older child messing around on my oldest son's bike a few years ago caused £40.00 worth of damage in 20 minutes. I usually don't let any children take turns on my sons bikes now. My oldest son is now wary about sharing his stuff anyway - he would never take his gamegboy outside for instance and let others take a turn. He has suffered too many losses and he knows we would not replace things that get stolen or broken.

I have no qualms about saying no to children coming inside. I just lie to them I am about to do lots of housework (!) so need a quiet house or I have a headache or something - we don't tend to do taking turns around here, but most children just play in each others front gardens or on the steps.

I never allow young children into the house unless they have told their parents where they are going. I don't want my youngest to ever feel this is acceptable. I don't want him thinking he can visit a friend's house without checking with me first. There are only 2 houses he can visit and they are very close to us.

Some of the older children (9 and over) say their parents don't care where they are in the street, and they are probably right but through painful trial and error I now never allow them inside to play anyway. They go on the front step.

I also think it's really important to keep a running check on who is in the playing out gang and make rules accordingly. Luckily for us, the playing out children were mostly nice, sensible girls, but recently two wilder boys aged nine or so have joined the gang (my oldest son doesn't like them) and I am not as happy. Still that's another thread subject...

roisin · 16/05/2004 20:17

What an evocative description I must admit TM your street sounds like a great street with kids playing out, and 'front steps' and gardens sound like fun places to be. You've got some great rules that seem to work for you, though you've clearly had to work them out the hard way.

I wish we lived in a 'playing out' street - though I realise there are disadvantages too.

Tinker · 17/05/2004 18:54

Thank you everyone. Tigermoth - you've got me a bit worried now about the bedroom bit. I prefer her to go into the bedroom and then they are out of the way. There's no real room downstairs for them to play without making me feel in the way .

Have discussed a bit further about why she wants to play inside when it's so nice outside and it would appear to be one girl who keeps saying 'Ask your mum if we can come in'. This girl never seems to let anyone play in her house so am a bit stuck on insisting on turns. Did use the 'I'm busy' lie tonight though.

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Nutcracker · 17/05/2004 19:07

Am reading this thread with great interest.
As it is now, dd's don't have anyone in to play as we simply don't have the room.
Obviously when we move i won't have that excuse.
I too hate the place being overun with kids i don't know.
My dd1's friend will be living 2 doors up from us and i have no probs at all with her coming into the house on a regular basis as her mom has saved my sanity some days by having my dd's in her garden.
I donot know the rest of the kids in the street though and tbh honest from what i know of them i do not want them in the house or garden.
The house we will be next door too has lots of kids and my friend reckons they always hang over the fence asking if they can play. She used to let them in but after a few incidents (things going missing e.t.c) she stopped allowing them in.
I don't want them in at all, but can't think of a good excuse really. Any ideas ??

Janh · 17/05/2004 19:10

Tough one, nutty. You can't say no-one's allowed in if some are...what ages are they? If they don't "fit" with your kids could you use that? "You're too old/young/big/small/male/female"?????

Tinker · 17/05/2004 19:11

Nutty - I'm considering cultivating being the crabby, grouchy witchy woman with an overgrown garden fulf of milk bottles and mucky windows. Actually, that won't be terribly difficult to do.

OP posts:
Janh · 17/05/2004 19:12

Tinker, re the no-return-visits girl, I think that gives you the perfect excuse not to allow her in, esp if she is the main one to insist on it! "If DD can't play in your house then you can't play in hers - sorry".

Nutcracker · 17/05/2004 19:14

Erm, ithink the kids next door are a bit older and a bit younger than my dd's. The oine little boy is the same age as my ds i think, but he's to young to have friends round to play any way.

Apparently their one son has a habit of knocking their door saying his mom and dad have gone out and can he come in for a bit. That i don't want.

People think i'm right snobby because i don't let my kids play out the front and/or have half the estate in the flat.

tigermoth · 18/05/2004 07:51

tinker, I think playing in the bedroom is ok if you know the children well, because then it's more like a playdate. If that's the only suitable room to contain them, that that's the best solution for you.

I have got a bit hard over the years and don't care that much if I appear unfair sometimes. The children still seem to like us on the whole and tbh, I don't want to be seen as too hospitable or soft. If lots of children want to play with my youngest son I say 'no, only x can' and make up any old excuse as to why (but usually use the age thing so that weeds out older children).

Agree with janh about saying to the girl ,'no you can't come in as my daughter never comes into your house to play'.

I have a tricky situation at present ( sorry to hijack thread). My nearly 5 year old has a nice little friend the same age two doors up. They play well together. Unfortunately a 9 year old boy is determined to play with them. He loves their toys - little cars, brio etc - quite obsessed with them.

When he first moved here a few months ago, I was sorry for him - he seemed really lost and sad. For some reason all the children his age shun him - my oldest son (10) won't play with him and told me this boy only likes playing with the younger kids. We invited him in a few times, then he took to knocking on the door repeatedly, not taking 'no' for an answer if he was given it and sitting on the doorstep. He seems to enjoy bossing the little children around too much, setting one against the other etc, all slightly wierd. So I tried to nicely discourage the friendship. The result - he made some children write cards with very rude words on and sent them through out letterbox ( he admitted it when questioned). Not particularly serious in itself but he has also been caught telling my youngest son to run into the road - and that's really not on at all. I have been told it's not a good idea to approach his parents, so am keeping close tabs on this situation at the moment and taking my youngest son in if the boy starts playing with him.

secur · 18/05/2004 10:20

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BIBIBOO · 18/05/2004 10:30

I think you're all being very fair setting rules and will be taking some of them on board when my baby pops out and grows up.
I am already dreading the thought of other children invading my house without my consent, so rules seem the right way to go.

miranda2 · 18/05/2004 10:39

I'm really surprised and a bit disheartened by this thread. I don't mean that in a critical way of you, I hasten to add, just I'd never thought of all the realities of theft, probs of sexual accusations etc you raise. My ds is nearly 3, and I've been looking forward to long hot summers of streets ofkids all swanning in and out of each others houses - that's my romantic idea of motherhood! In my imagination if 7 kids are here at lunch they all get baked beans on toast....
Obviously I'm just a hopeless idealist and I'd probably hate it in practice!!!

mambo · 18/05/2004 10:50

I don't like my kids playing out on the street and would prefer them all to be in our garden so I know where mine are. We have just moved to residential area ( after living on farm with no neighbours ) and am wishing it would be dark nights again. I have a 10 & 12 year old keep knocking wanting to play with my 8 year old .I feel very mean because alot of the kids play out but my youngest is 5 and I really don't want him on the front. I think its a bit of a snob thing aswell.

nightowl · 18/05/2004 23:38

i only have one rule really as to kids playing in my house....respect our belongings. theres nothing worse than a little brat who comes in and breaks all ds's toys. If you go to someone's house you are a guest and should behave yourself. (oh yeah, and have some manners! i cant stand children that do not say please and thankyou)

mummytojames · 18/05/2004 23:47

when mine gets to this age i will do the same as my mother suns out kids out raining then alowed in between i think it was some thing like 10 am till 5pm then she used to send them packing home for tea unless they were staying for tea then she would send them packing at three to tell there mothers and check it was ok but that was only on weekends when the front and back door was open so we come and go as we pleased
but we lived in a closed street and all the kids were basicaly the same age and i still say our parents had time shares on us because we were always in one house or another never the same one all the time

Ronny · 19/05/2004 00:53

We have a wide lane at the back where all the kids play after school and in the weekend, there almost always someone to play with, my ds1 is 5. The back gates of the kids who are out are open and they can all wander in and out at will. At 10.30 and 15.30 they get a drink from whoevers garden they happen to be in - this is handy as otherwise they'd go from mother to mother. They aren't allowed out past the end of the lane onto the street. These are a sort of 'inherited' set of rules. If the weathers to bad to play outside, then the mothers arrange who plays where, the bigger kids sort themselves out. So far I havn't had any problemn with things getting damaged, ds1 bedroom can look like a whirlwinnd has blown through, so now I get them to put things away before they leave.

Tinker · 19/05/2004 23:28

tigermoth and janh - I'm using the excuse that if you can't play in this child's house she can't play here. Not quite as bluntly as that but there's been no problem on that front this week. Now have the problem that since my duaghter is the "baby" in the threesome (always trouble) she's falling foul to that "If you don't let me put my foot on your head/give me that toy etc I won't be your friend" routine...

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secur · 20/05/2004 09:49

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