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When do you start creating a need, not just meeting it?

12 replies

MadFestiveGnome · 13/11/2015 11:09

The title says it all really. DH and I were debating this as DS (6m) is cosleeping with us and naps in the sling a lot. I don't have a problem with either of these things but don't particularly want to be still doing them as much as we do now in a year's time.

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Latium123 · 13/11/2015 12:45

I wouldn't worry too much. Babies need to be close and they need touch. There is so much development to happen and things change when they are ready. Personally I believe that if you hold your young baby close and meet their needs you will create a more secure and content child in the longer term and I think there is some research to back this up. You can just gradually change the way you do things as they develop if, for example, cosleeping is no longer working for you. You should just do what works for you all.

KatyN · 13/11/2015 17:33

I used to cuddle my son to sleep for all his naps until I went back to work! Amazingly nursery and my husband (who had his two days a week) didn't bother with the cuddling all the time and once he had dropped off popped him into a cot!

I felt a bit silly.
K

ODog · 13/11/2015 19:52

My DS would only sleep in our bed at night and on my chest/in asking for daytime naps until 6/7mo. Gradually we tried putting him in a cot, sometimes he would stay there, other times not and we just rolled with it. He gradually spent more time sleeping independently and less with me. At 17mo he has no naps on me and mostly spends 90%+ of the night in his own bed. He just got there in his own time. please don't worry and enjoy this time.

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TheEagle · 13/11/2015 19:58

DS1 is 2.1yo - he spent most of the first year of his life sleeping either on me or DH or else in our bed.

He started napping in the cot at 10.5 mo when he went to nursery.

Now he goes off to bed by himself and creeps into bed with us for a cuddle in the small hours.

I wouldn't change it for the world and I don't regret one minute I spent holding him while he slept.

I don't have the luxury of holding DTs while they sleep cause my arms just aren't that long so we have to have a different approach with them.

Sparrowlegs248 · 15/11/2015 19:42

Interested to read this as DS is 15weeks and co sleeping and won't nap independently. I have concerns for his nap when i return to work (at 9 months) and co sleeping once he becomes mobile. I'm going to try to start putting him down in his cot for the first part of the night and if he needs to come in with me after his waking then so be it i hope he does

BertieBotts · 15/11/2015 20:34

If you do it with no pressure either way, just presenting it as an option, they do definitely start to move away from it in time. I think that excessive clinginess to an advanced age is caused either by some kind of extra need in the child, or a parent who carefully creates a situation where the child is aware that the parent is dependent on them, or when they always give the message that the world is a scary and dangerous place. You can be encouraging of independence while co-sleeping and using slings, it's a bit of a misnomer to think that you have to encourage independence by forcing something when they aren't quite ready for it. You can just keep giving them opportunity to try things for themselves and the independence will come. A good rule is that if they can do something for themselves and they want to, then let them even if it's inconvenient for you.

At six months independence might be feeding themselves, exploring finger foods by themselves, not overly helping them every time they want to reach a toy, etc. Don't rush in and try to fix frustration every time, it's okay for them to feel frustrated as it allows them to find a way around it for themselves. I am also a big believer in not helping them to do something they can't yet do for themselves, if it doesn't need to be done - e.g. I don't like those bumbo chairs which force them into a sitting position, or baby walkers, and I don't like walking along holding a baby up by their arms (to make them "walk") until they are at least cruising, and even then I think actual cruising practice or using you as a static obstacle to hold is more beneficial. Later on if they want to go on something at the park/soft play my rule (apart from swings) was that they can go on anything they can get onto themselves but I wouldn't help them up to higher things. Don't run straight to them if they hurt themselves, give them a chance to come to you first (unless it's something really bad or they can't move, of course!) When they start talking or signing, teach them a word or sign for "help" which is useful because then you know when they actually want you to step in and when they are just getting annoyed but still figuring it out for themselves. I know these sound perhaps a bit petty or small issues - and perhaps my line is drawn in an odd place, but it just always made sense to me. It might have been influenced by the book The Continuum Concept, but I don't really remember now because I read it so long ago.

DS is pretty shy and doesn't like trying new things, so it's not a cure all, but once he does try something, he's normally very confident and masters it straight away. And then he's fine. I noticed him first start to reject co-sleeping at around 10 months but he didn't reject slings until he could walk, which he did later (16 months - again mastering it within about a day or two) And then with both it wasn't a clear ending, there was a back and forth to it. But he's actively hated to share his sleep space since about five, and although he still likes being carried occasionally at seven, barely if ever asks for it. He'd much rather run. I don't really remember when it stopped being an everyday thing, obviously much younger than seven!

I think that you will see a natural tailing off of these things if you trust in the process and trust your baby to know when they are ready and to handle things for themselves. It's great to watch them learning something new.

BertieBotts · 15/11/2015 20:39

Nottalotta, I think that 15 weeks is so far from 9 months that it's not worth worrying yet. It's two of his lifetimes away! :) Assess the situation at 7 months, but it is typical that babies who won't nap without the boob at home nap perfectly (and infuriatingly!) at nursery/childminder's without any complaints at all. It's a really bizarre thing.

ODog · 15/11/2015 20:56

Agree with bertie. I didn't read a book about it so not certain of the science but it just made sense to me to let DS have the freedom to do things if he could and wanted to but also have the security of slings/co-sleeping/not forcing him to join in if he doesn't want to. Interestingly he is starting to reject slings now at 17mo. Makes me a bit sad but also sort of handy as I am 15wks pg. please don't worry about 'Rods'. All children need to be secure that they can depend on you to meet all their needs before they can become truly confident and independent.

ODog · 15/11/2015 21:04

Actually I guess that is the science!

BertieBotts · 15/11/2015 21:35

Yep, that's the theory.

I wasn't sure whether to mention the book, because it was definitely my mindset before reading it but it seemed to encapsulate it well IIRC. But it might have also been a load of sanctimonious bollocks Grin Too long!

I was still breastfeeding DS at 2 when I first got together with now DH and he was really shocked that I was breastfeeding but also allowed him to climb stairs alone, because to him one was hugely overprotective, and the other slightly neglectful. But to me they were perfectly linked because it's about allowing the child the independence, including independence over when they stop nursing and such.

(Obviously I didn't let a two year old climb an entire flight of stairs with no supervision. But I wasn't hovering and holding his hand.)

When I stopped co sleeping DS could climb in and out of bed by himself and walk, so instead of going to him when he woke in the night, I let him come to me. That worked really well. In fact I didn't think of it at first, and I wish I had! I wouldn't use a cot, I don't think it's wrong to use one, I just don't see the point (for me) because I like to be able to get in with them if needs be and I liked the fact that he could get out. I put a gate on the stairs and he was fine.

MadFestiveGnome · 16/11/2015 03:54

Some really good ideas here, thanks for posting. I like the idea of DS coming to us in the night if he needs to.

I love the cosleeping and napping in my arms/sling, I just wasn't sure what would happen in the future with it. But it sounds like they wean themselves off these things when they are ready, which is fine.

DS actually spent half the night in his bedside cot the other night before coming in the bed with me, and I really missed him! Found it hard to go to sleep without him cuddled up next to me. I guess I just need to enjoy these things while they last.

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Sparrowlegs248 · 16/11/2015 05:08

Thanks bertie I think a lot of my worry/doubting myself comes from being an older mum and having a lifetime of ideas of how I'd like to do things, and having lots of them change in the blinking an eye! I always wanted to bf but had NO IDEA what it actually entailed, I certainly was NOT going to co sleep as I am was a light sleeper and felt sure I wouldn't be able to sleep with a baby/child. Soon realised i prefer to stay laying down for feeds and actually get many less waking that way. :-)

But i do have a nagging worry that I am getting it wrong. DH said at the weekend that we should be able to lay DS down for a nap. He just doesn't like it. I keep trying but honestly am grateful that he's asleep and don't want to disturb him. Even if it means carrying him.

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