How should i handle this situation? HELP PLEASE!

[SNOWMANdymoo]

Its a bit of a long story but basically dd (4) plays with a neighbour's girl (3 1/2) quite frequently.

DD not particularly confident or outgoing - the other girl is the opposite.

Sometimes they play quite nicely

However, almost EVERY time they play the other girl punches or hits dd (this comes from out of nowhere and she is very unpredictable)

I am at a loss as to how I should deal with as far as dd is concerned. Obviously the other mum is responsible for discipling the other girl when she hits dd but i have to say that she does seem to get away with it a lot and is just told "That's naughty"

I find myself saying to dd (who is usually in floods of tears) that "it doesnt matter" or "its ok" when inside i am absolutely fuming as it DOES matter and its bloody NOT ok. Its been going on for some time now and i think i need to do/say something.

To not let dd see this other girl would be awkard as we are neighbours and its nice for dd to have a little friend live near by but at what cost?

I certainly dont want my child growing up to think its ok for people to use her as a punch bag

TIA XX

anyone?

i would tell the mum that unless she controls her child better its best they dont play together tbh - in a ncie way though, something like....

its really nice when our kids play together its just a shame xxx is going through the hitting phase at the moment.
then hopefully she will chat about how she is dealing with it etc and it gives you a chance to talk openly about it and maybe give her a few hints on how to handle it.

my mindee recently went through this phase and i was upset about him hitting my dd1 all the time - like you're saying unpredictable etc, the phase lasted a month and iwas very stern about it, he went straight in time out for that kind of behaviour until he learnt that is not how we deal with people. i also had a word with my dd about giving him space when she can see hes getting aggitated. i looked for trigger points - not that were many really but i did what i could and now they play well most of the time.

It sounds like the girls mother doesn't know how to respond either! Your right, her behaviour is not acceptable... I would say to your DD, Yes, insert-horrid-childs-name is unkind when she hits you isn't she, and say to the child that we "don't hit, it hurts".. in a cross voice...
good luck

agree with drumming,gently telling off the other child in front of her mother may tell her something.

I tell my children to take a step backwards, thrust their hand forwards(palm dfacing the other child) and say "No. We don't hit people." (Or bite, or whatever the offence was.) It seems to be effective, and also gives them confidence as they feel they have a tool available to them.

I practice it at first with them, and tell them that they can choose whether to then continue playing with the other child, or to walk away. I know they use this, as they come and tell me, with pride.

Great idea prettycandles,I'll teach ds that.thanks

thanks for your replies - dd is very very sensitive and almost blames herself for the girl getting "told off" - the other girl always then has a tantrum and that then upsets dd!

I dont think dd would do the hands facing thing - its a fab idea but i just dont think dd would do it although i will talk to her about it.

This other girl has ALWAYS been like this - im fed up that its seen as "ok" for her to behave like this, even in other people's houses.

Ds had this with some "rough" (his word) children at nursery. I tried to teach him the "I don't like that, please stop" behaviour but he isn't comfortable doing it (although he can say it forcefully at home ). In the end, and to dh's disapproval, I told ds (who is 3 and very articulate) a) you try and talk them out of this behaviour; b) you hit back or c) stay out of their way/don't let them come close enough to hit you and stick near a teacher if all else fails.

I know that isn't much use on a 1-to-1 basis (and perhaps isn't that useful at nursery either ) but maybe you could talk through options with your daughter and see what she thinks. I did have a very useful "why are some children rough" conversation with ds which helped him to understand that it is their problem behaviour not his and to think about ways to protect himself while still staying friends. Your dd may have some issues to talk about that would help her think of ways round the problem (eg it might not have occurred to me that a child might think the hitting was their fault or it hadn't occurred to ds that he needs to be more aware of his environment and his space relative to other people and weigh up who he wants to play with rather than just blundering up to other children, even the rough ones, and then being surprised when they are rough). Not sure if that makes sense but it has helped us a bit .

you could get dd to ask the girl why she hit her. something along the lines of "why do you always hit me? what did i do to make you angry?" the girl might not tell an adult how she is feeling but she might tell dd? duno probably wouldnt work but worth a shot? i think to stop the hitting you need to know why she is doing it in the first place.