My dd is 11 weeks old this weekend and I can’t believe it’s gone so fast. Shes in 3-6month clothes now as she is quite a long baby, and I look back and feel awful that I really didn’t enjoy her newborn stage.
I thought I would be overwhelmed with joy when dd was born but I don’t even remember that moment, I just came to briefly and saw I had a baby, I really regret not being with it enough to see her come out like I wanted to, or look after her afterwards because I was still off my face from the pethidine and diamorphine and in pain with the stitches. I felt useless because I watched dp do everything for her, and I remember being upset because he did such a good job that I felt like dd didn’t need me. Once I was able to move about more in less pain I wanted to be there for her more and I thought breastfeeding would help me bond with her.
I struggled to breastfeed dd because I didn’t do it from day one, I started on day five, and tried with the community midwifes support, to get her to latch but she wouldn’t and I ended up using nipple shields. I remember those early days, struggling with the hour long nursing sessions, waiting for dd to finish and then she would want feeding again half an hour later, it was completely draining and exhausting.
I desperately wanted to continue because I read everywhere it gets easier just persevere. When other people would hold dd and say aw she's rooting, I remember feeling embarrassed like I hadn't fed her enough, like I was neglecting her needs, when in reality I tried my hardest and she was fine but I really struggled with the feeling that I just couldn't satisfy her.
I struggled seeing other people bond with dd because I still hadn't. As soon as we brought her home, I felt like there was constant visitors all wanting to see the baby and hold her and cuddle her, and I hadn't even had chance to bond like I wanted to. People were constantly telling dp how brilliant he was with her and what a natural he is, as well as how much she looked like him. That made me feel more disconnected. I loved her but I didn't even feel like her mum.
Despite all this I still felt some kind of protective instinct. People would offer to look after her or tell me to get some rest but I couldn't leave her because I wanted to make sure she was okay, because that's my job as her mum. I knew people were only offering to help but I felt like they were taking my time with her away from me, like I was incompetent
Some days I felt a bit better, like I was doing okay looking after dd, but the negative feelings returned, particularly when breastfeeding at night, watching other people with her, or when I had time to think by myself. I think these feelings eventually went when dd was about a month old. The good news is I did persevere, it did get better, now I enjoy nursing dd and cuddling her and being with her, I cherish every moment with her. Now I just wish I had enjoyed it more at the beginning because all I have is memories of such sadness, and regrets. I will have to pack away her tiny little sleepsuits soon that no longer fit and its so sad how quick she has grown already