Help please struggling with DS 4's behavior please help :(

[MrsO1980]

Hi, i need some advice/support about my 4 year old DS. Please be gentle as am at breaking point. I have a DS 5 and DS 4, the youngest is having huge behavioural issues and I'm struggling to cope. Ds1 in year 1 and DS2 in reception, my older lad listens well, sleeps, eats but am aware he's older and has a different personality type. DS2 has not slept for four years, won't settle at bedtime, wakes at 3 am and will play/demand drink or food, wakes the whole house (and neighbours apparently). The next day he is so over tired he has tantrums and is starting to be violent towards me (punching hard, scratching, throwing things at me) and cannot control himself. I have tried: lots of positive praise, reward charts, consequences for both positive and negative behaviour, Super Nanny, gradual retreat, new book 'The rabbit who wants to go to sleep' (worked one night next night he flipped out and refused to listen and tantrumed, co sleeping, ignoring the behaviour, talking to him about it - how he feels, explaining in simple terms the impact it has and 'love bombing' him. I have spoken to the HV three times, not much help, and GP who poo pooed the issues. DH is supportive to an extent but wrapped up in decorating house/being self employed, he does not see DS 2's behavior as being that bad. But DH has a loud voice (issues with ears/hearing) and despite me and kids asking to talk more quietly will not. He has refused to follow techniques above fully, which has made parenting inconsistent, and does not want to sit down with me and plan how we are going to deal with the situation. It feels like communication between us is almost non existent. I am pretty sure this links to DS2 's behaviour worsening :( He barely eats, refuses to dress self, will not sit at table, screams etc. We have recently took him to GP, as his teacher suggested he may have a hearing and or speech problem developmental delay, and waiting for an appointment with the Audiologist. We moved house in Nov last year and the house is quite chaotic due to having to plaster, rewire, decorate etc. The boys bedrooms are finished and relatively calm and tidy. I always spend time with them reading, colouring, park, rugby etc. As well as playing games they lead.
I was asked to go full time at work and started in Oct (my job is within the criminal justice system and quite stressful), I only did this so we had a bit more money to get the house finished quicker to make it nicer for the boys. They go to before school club at 8am and are in after school club until 5pm, but are usually picked up earlier. I feel at my wits end, my DH has lost patience with me (' you need to man up') and with kids, he is stressed and starting to shout. Please can anyone help??? I love my family and need things to improve for everyone's sake. TIA x

Sorry to hear you're having such a hard time. Sounds like the worst bit is lack of support from your DH, tbh. Is there any chance he could be the one to deal with the bedtime etc (so maybe you could go away for the night) - would that help him see how difficult your son's behaviour is?

Have you considered sensory issues? Have you been able to rule out triggers such as going from one place to another, stopping one activity to do another etc.

Hi Glowfrog, thanks for your reply. Had a long and emotional discussion with DH about it yesterday and he seems more on board. He put DS2 to bed last night and eventually got him to sleep. I don't have much knowledge of sensory issues, but you could be on to something. DS2 comai s about loud noises and the texture of food - do you think this is linked? Thanks S x

I don't have direct experience of sensory issues and I am not a child health professional but from what I've come across reading through parenting stuff on the web, it does sound like there could be something there.

If you google for it, you will find plenty of advice but bear in mind that it can be dangerous looking up any kind of health things on the Internet!! :-D you might end up thinking your DS is afflicted with all sorts of things.

In any case, if he is able to say he doesn't like loud noises or certain food textures, that's something you can hopefully work towards avoiding. But it must be hard if your DH tends to be loud. Maybe you could get some ear defenders for your DS when he starts to feel things are too noisy. Would he respond to some very low volume white noise at night?

It's great you were able to have a good chat with him about it all. Some support - even if just moral - is often the one thing we need, isn't it?

I would also add that you should try to avoid stress at the moment, and maybe only tackle one issue at a time.

I know how stressed I've got in the past (and still do) over DD1's eating but that's definitely an area where I think you can afford to be a bit "lax" about for a bit. So if there are things you know he will definitely eat, try to stick to those, even if the rest of you eat something else. I know that can be a pain but given how much you are having to deal with, removing just one "conflict area" will do everyone some good. And if stress is taken out of the equation when it comes to dinner time, you might find that eventually he will eat other things.

I know someone with a 6 year old dd behaving very much like you describe (since 2 years old), she found the book 123 magic wonderful, she had over night changes when she started to implement the techniques.
It's not a substitute for the investigations you have started with hcp's, but it's a very effective method for children nt and with sn's, so worth a read.