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Parenting

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Original poster

how to say no?

13 replies

shrub · 15/05/2004 12:09

there a couple of mums who keep asking me to look after their children. it isn't a social thing as my ds1 is at school when they make most of the requests - its childcare they are after without the payment. i have a baby and work from home so i feel a little used and don't want them to expect me to do this in the future. my ds gets on really well with one of them so i don't want to undermine any new friendships for his sake (he is 3). both mums are acquaintences rather than friends so this is probably why i am finding it more chore than pleasure. am i being unreasonable? if not, how do you say no and mean it - in a nice way?

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unicorn · 15/05/2004 12:17

sounds like they are taking advantage- unless you get some return favours, then it's not on.
Just tell them it's impossible as you are working from home and can't do it.

coppertop · 15/05/2004 12:27

You're not being unreasonable. I doubt they would be keen on taking someone else's child to work with them. While you're working from home this is effectively what they are asking you to do. Next time they ask, just tell them the truth. "Sorry. I've got a lot of work to do and won't have time for babysitting." If they are offended by this then they probably aren't worth knowing anyway.

Original poster

shrub · 15/05/2004 12:46

thanks unicorn and coppertop. i've just moved very near to the school we all go to, so i think they now see me as an extension of the school. i tried to explain to one of them the other day about the work i have to do and she very calmly replied 'i would be happy for you to stick a video on for him it would really help me out'(???!!). we're not the type of family that holds lots of social gatherings, nor has my dh or i been brought up to be very sociable so i am conscious that i don't want my children to have those hangups - hence feelings of guilt and anguish

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coppertop · 15/05/2004 12:53

It wouldn't be so bad if it was a 2-way thing and they offered to take your children while you got on with some work. I suspect they've never offered anything like that though!

What is it that they are doing while you are looking after their children? If they are working then they really ought to be thinking about making proper arrangements. For anything else I can't imagine why they wouldn't be able to take their children too.

Original poster

shrub · 15/05/2004 13:08

both have jobs and both have offered to look after my ds1. though one lives 4 miles away and the other 9 miles so its not really worth the hassle. again maybe its me but i don't feel ready for ds1 to go to other peoples houses on his own yet - one is in a flat and the other has a large pond - i just have this thing in my head that my ds would fall out of window/into pond - not an obsessive thought, just the danger is there.my ds1 is fearless at the mo and unless they are 100% concentrating on all the children....

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tammybear · 15/05/2004 13:17

dont blame you for feeling like that shrub. if they ask again, just politely say that you cant because you have your job to do. i dont even feel comfortable with dd's father having dd without me around let alone people i hardly know

Original poster

shrub · 15/05/2004 19:54

tammybear - glad i'm not the only one

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unicorn · 15/05/2004 20:01

shrub! put a video on!!!!... as if childcare were that simple!!
They are def taking the proverbial... don't worry about later friendships- it will all pan out once he starts school- don't feel hassled by these people who can't sort their own arrangements out- look after yourself.

Original poster

shrub · 15/05/2004 20:15

thanks unicorn - because i have no experience of this it helps to know i'm not being anti-social just overloaded by their requests. i'm starting to put it into perspective. still find it hard to say no. hate any sort of conflict - 'approval seeker' is my middle name

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tammybear · 15/05/2004 21:42

Im like that shrub. I wont start something unless I really have to. But sometimes you just have to put your foot down, rather than being walked over.

twogorgeousboys · 15/05/2004 22:12

They really do sound like freeloaders to me shrub - I think they know perfectly well that you're unlikely to take up their offer of childcare due to distance etc. I think it is important to put a stop to it because I reckon they are just going to expect it regularly and more often.

It is so hard isn't it when people take advantage, to try to extricate yourself from a problem they have made for you. Most of us are happy to help someone out occasionally in an emergency, but this is very unfair on you.

If it were me, I'd go down the "safety/responsibility" route as your way of putting a stop to it. You are WORKING at home. Whilst you are happy to take responsibility for the safety of your own child in your home while you are working, you do not feel you can do so for other peoples children. It's all very well saying "stick on a video", but you are responsible for those children in every sense while they are with you. Tell them that having done it a few times, you really can't work, plus look after your own baby and their children.

I hope you manage to sort it out. I too have the "people pleaser" curse and its taken me a long time to work out that looking after myself (plus my little family) is the numero uno priority.

tiamaria · 15/05/2004 22:38

shrub - I totally agree with 2gb's post of 10.12pm. Someone I know is now regularly being asked to look after a little lad from 3.30pm til 9pm!!!! Yep, 9pm!! Without payment! It started out small and grew bigger, and bigger........ I do favours for friends and they do for me, but they are small ones and are able to be reciprocated. I know that childcare is hard to sort out sometimes, but it's their responsibility, not anyone elses'. Good luck!

tigermoth · 15/05/2004 23:55

How old are these children? are they three years old too, like your son? If so it's IMO amazing that these mothers keep asking you to childmind as a friendly favour. Looking after someone else three year old is work - it's tons of responsiblity. Three year olds need watching, they need taking to the loo, they need a lot of attention all round. It's something you do to help in a crisis or if your favour is reciprocated.

With older children in the house, you might be able to get some work done yourself but I don't get the impressinon these are older children. Agree that you must stress the responsibilty and safety angle.

Do these two women know each other well? it sounds such an odd repeated request. Perhaps they wrongly think you are desperate for their friendship. They really are taking advantage IMO.

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