Mum intervening in child's dispute

[MaisyMoo123]

Hi - I'm just after some different perspectives on an issue that erupted yesterday. My 10 year old dd has one girl in her class who she has always had 'issues' with. Dd gets on with anyone and everyone but there always seem to be niggles with this one girl. Dd comes home with tales of low level stuff like kicking under the table, face-pulling and blackmailing. It's pretty harmless stuff and we just tell Dd to ignore and get on with it, which usually works. Anyway, yesterday the other girls mum saw what she thought was my Dd 'threatening' her dd through the classroom window at pick up time. She confronted my Dd about it in the playground, which obviously really upset her. I wasn't there but my FiL filled me in on what had happened - he thought the way the mum confronted Dd was unnecessary. Dd explained what had happened and how the teacher had asked her to give something out and the other girl had refused to take it and then snarled at her and Dd admits that she pulled a face back. That's obviously what the mum saw. It sounds believable to me and dd was clearly upset by the fact she'd been accused, in quite a confrontational manner, of something that both girls had played a part in. Obviously there are two sides to every story and I am not saying my Dd is completely innocent but it does feel like she's being blamed for the entire issue - not just this incident but all the other niggles too. I feel like things are getting blown out of all proportion. Should parents really be getting involved in stuff like this - it feels over the top to me? Dh is pretty cross about the whole thing. Am I losing plot?

low level stuff like.....blackmailing

I'd be having words with the other mum about that for a start.

I'd tell your daughter to just steer clear of her...sounds like they both set each other off.

The other mum should not be talking directly to your DD, she should either speak with you or the teacher to find out what's going on.
Have you spoken to the teacher before about the issues or know that she is aware of it?

I think what you have done so far is correct to tell your daughter to ignore and stay away if possible, I know it's not always easy to do if they are in the same class and will have to interact at some point.

I would speak to the mum and ask that she does as I said at the top and that it was very upsetting for your daughter.
If she's a decent people she will realise it was wrong, if not then I would make the teacher aware as it shouldn't be something they would accept within school grounds.

We went through a similar situation with DD most of the way through yr5. We also told her to ignore her the child and the the child's mother also had a pop at DD. It culminated when DD told me that the child's mother had been into complain about her and that my DD had to apologise. My husband called and spoke to the teacher about what had been going on and left them to deal with the situation.

In my personal experience, don't confront the other girl's mother but call and speak directly to the teacher and tell her everything, how long it has been going on etc. If you are still not happy with how it is being dealt with then speak to the year head or deputy.

let the school deal with it.

I had a similar thing when the father of a child in DS's class cornered him in the carpark at pickup time and told him to stop 'being horrible' to his daughter, while his DD stood behind him and sniggered at DS and several other boys from the class jeered from the sidelines.

I spoke to the head teacher the next day and made the point that DS didn't understand what he had done, that he had been scared to be cornered and that the other child's parent should be talking to the school about things that happen in school because otherwise the teachers and TAs won't know that they need to keep an eye out. The head was appalled and spoke to the other child's parents. I told DS's SNA so that she could keep an eye on what was happening (she didn't see how DS could have been 'horrible' as they don't play together in the playground, sit near each other in class or work on any projects together).

It turned out in the end that the other child was making it up, there hadn't been any specific horrible-ness it's just that DS chooses to play with boys at the moment and she wanted him to play with her.

Thanks for all your comments. It's hard to know if you're reacting to these things in a rational way when it's all so emotive so really valuable to get a sense check!

I have an appointment to see dd's class teacher tomorrow which will be a good opportunity to explain our concerns. I really don't want to make a big deal of this and we've not raised any of the ongoing issues with school up until now as dd has generally just been getting on with it. However, recent events mean that I just feel I have to go in and see them, especially as I know the other mum has been in contact.

I do actually know the other mum and she contacted me via text and confronted me in much the same way as she had my dd. I wasn't there when confrontation happened so, in fact, the first I knew of it was when her message came through. I was tempted not to respond but felt I needed to put dd's version of events across. I kept it short and factual. Her response suggested she didn't believe a word of it. I've had several messages since too. At no point has she apologised for upsetting my dd or for jumping in and accusing her without having the full picture. I am so livid now I am just going to leave that side of things to simmer down.

It's all so ridiculous!