Shared parental leave with SAHD looking after baby

[Shelleypops]

Hello,
I'm returning to work next week after 4 lovely months of maternity leave. About a month of this we have spent as a family with my DH taking annual leave. The three of us have really bonded and it's lovely to hear my DD giggling away every day with her daddy.

DH is taking shared parental leave and will be a SAHD until next summer at least. I will be working full time which makes absolute sense as I have a better paying role, plus my work is more flexible. This arrangement is what we always planned to do and we are both supportive and happy with this and of each other as it works for us.

The thing is, when we tell people what we are doing, people's reactions are generally shocked. I'm tired of the raised eyebrows, the 'really?' comments and the obvious inference that I'm a crappy mother. The truth is we are a happy, loving little unit with a happy, lovely DD.

I said to DH that I'm tired of justifying our decision and he simply says 'well, don't.' But it really gets me down that anyone could think we aren't doing the very best for our DD and our little family.

Has anyone else experienced this and how did you handle it?
TIA

Yes, I did the same with dc1 (although also flex worked while on mat leave) with dc2 we both worked pt from.day 1 (gave birth Sat retuned to work Monday).
My OH got a lot of comments on couldn't he support us without my wage, why cant he make meetings etc and has to constantly remind his boss he only works 50% and I also work and travel with work etc.

I've had some surprised comments - I just say how wonderful it is we have the choice and can all parent in the way that suits us. After a couple of weeks back no one really gives a shit tbh.

Yeo, we had that. I took all the mat leave but when I eturned to work we both did 3 days a week with my son in nursery for just 1 day. People always commented on it. I felt the implication was that surely my husband earns more money than me, (I might have been being over sensitive).
If I was feeling grumpy I would point out that my husband was our son's parent too, otherwise I'd just smile and move on.

My son is now 4 (so we've had this arrangement for 3 years) and people still look surprised, and somehow pleased that he is so involved. Does my noggin!

K

We did that - I went back full time when DC1 was 3 months old, DH was SAHD.
Yes there was judging, but as long as they are not offering to pay my mortgage, they can just fuck the fuck off and mind their own business. This is what worked for our family.

Thanks for sharing your experiences, it's nice to know I'm not alone. It does my head in too that in 2015, there is still such negativity, by some people, towards a bit more gender equality around parenting. DH is a great parent and DD is happy being with either of us. And I want her to grow up knowing that she can do whatever she wants when she has children - work, stay at home, it's her choice.

Thanks for your comment too that people tend to forget about it after a few weeks - that's good to know :)

Hi KatharinaRosalie - the same boat as me, DD is 3 months too. I like your attitude - you're absolutely right :) that makes me feel better.

I went back to work full time after DS, and DH is a SAHD. We get some comments on it but it is the best option for us. We can actually afford the mortgage on what I earn for example....

Tell the nosey parkers to ftfo.

I had my fun with this. Male colleagues at off-site work meeting:

• 'But didn't you just have a baby?? Who is taking care of your children then??'

-'Probably the same person taking care of your children. The other parent?' -'Oh..and you're not worried, leaving your husband home alone like that?' -'No, he's fully functioning adult. Are you worried how your wife will cope when you leave her home alone with kids?'

Hurray for this thread and we'll done to all doing what works best for their families and not being cowed by prejudiced attitudes from others. I honestly believe that until these attitudes change we stand no chance of equality in the workplace.

A more junior male colleague of mine recently took shared parental leave for a whole month and the reaction from some of our colleagues was utterly ridiculous.

Your feedback is great :) one size doesn't fit all when it comes to parenting and whilst our approach might not work for everyone, if suits us. The most important thing is that DD is happy and loved and cared for - which she is. I think I'm going to take a more robust line with all those ill-informed critics who can't wait to tell me what I'm doing wrong!

We did this, but I went back a bit later than you, at 8 months. We didn't get any comments but apparently I'm fierce and we both work in terribly right on workplaces- quite a few of the men I work with have taken additional paternity. Ignore them or have some witty responses ready. Such a small percentage of people do it it's still unusual. Some of us have to be trailblazers!

I do get judgeyness for travelling with work from some people outside of work (SIL, looking at you). My new boss, who is usually great, did ask me the other day who looked after DD when I travelled. I asked him who looked after his kids and he apologised.

A couple of friends have taken very short maternity leaves too, and all good.

When I was preg with dc1 my midwife asked me how OH coped when I was away and did I batch cook for him beforehand. I just did my best confused face and reminded her he is a fully functioning adult who had got to 40yrs old without me doing his cooking.

We got comments when I first travelled without dc1 (first trip he came with me), a few people were shocked OH could look after his 3 month old alone for a few days.

Most of the comments we get are positive, although i have found that a lot of people assume that DD must be at nursery because I'm at work, and never consider the fact that DH might (is) at home with her.