Struggling to cope with toddler behaviour

[Kinderegg50]

Hi all,

I'm a single parent to a very spirited 3 year old boy and am now desperately struggling to cope. My son has always tested boundaries and this may be my fault due to unclear or inconsistent boundaries in the past. (His father and I split when 18months old and I developed a lifelong chronic illness at the same time which I know negatively affected my parenting skill at the time and does a bit now. My son also went through two operations as a child as he was born with a cleft lip and palate). I have and do try so so hard to do things right by my son but it is a constant battle. We have had severe tantrums whereby I would be getting hit whilst outside and I brought that under control. Now I have awful verbal problems with continual shouting, rude comments and threats of throwing things at me and general attempts to dominate me physically when we are sat together or just playing nicely rolling about within the home.

The problem is that I am unclear on what are fair yet effective consequences for this type of behaviour. When we were out doing something nice it was clear for me, 'listen to mummy and we stay, no listening to mummy then we leave'. The same for hitting. However, now I am getting all these outbursts in the home I have no clear approach and have ashamedly lost my temper badly the past few weeks, shouting very loudly and I smacked my sons bottom yesterday following continued failed attempts to stop him speaking so terribly and throwing things at me. I don't need anyone to tell me how bad this is. For me I crossed the line and this is why I am desperately reaching out for help as I know this is wrong and I feel sick when I have lost control. If I know that what I am doing is on the right track I know I will feel less frustrated and angry when I am continually faced with this.

I developed health problems after my son was born and struggle with pain alot, I still give everything I can and do alot for and with my little boy despite this. However, the constant stress and fighting with my little boy has made me feel very unwell this week and I'm afraid I wont get things under control whilst I still have the chance. My sons father is involved in his life and is the good guy whereas I am always playing bad cop. He doesn't suffer the same problems I do with our son but I am at home dealing with the daily ins and outs whereas he has every other weekend for fun time.

Please can anyone offer advice on how best to deal with unacceptable verbal insults, rudeness, shouting and throwing and hitting within the home. I don't know how I feel about timeout and go to your room but any current attempts have not carried weight. I am getting constant cheek, he wont eat his lunch and demands sweets (which he wont get) - then says he doesn't like this house but likes dads. I decorated his room this week with stickers with him and he then said he didn't like the stickers and I should remove them. This on top of everything else makes me feel so rubbish. I know that parents model behaviour and I have in the past shouted and shown my anger yet I work really hard to manage this under the difficult circumstances. My son can most likely sense some of my health problems yet I cannot change these and feel awful that this is affecting my feelings and then in turn him. I still play and be silly with him every day and take him to groups despite all of this. We have a structured bedtime routine but not much of a routine outside of bedtime.

Please help......

First of all you are a good Mum because you know that what you are doing isn't working and you are seeking help.
Your son is only a baby and he can't modify his behaviour without a lot of help from you, because you are a rational adult. He isn't rational. He is too young to rationalise or plot against you as in ... How Can I make Mummy's life miserable today.
You know it's wrong to hit a small defenceless child. Imagine if it was you. You have broken up with his Dad and your little boy cannot tell you how he feels about things. He responds to his world with raw emotion. It maybe that he is angry and confused. You are his most important carer, so he hits out at you because he can't explain how he feels.
What about seeking help from your HV.
There will be parent craft lessons in your area. Also there is a charity that helps families with children under 5 called Homestart. Your HV or GP would know the number.
What you are going through is very hard and we have all been there and feel like throttling our DCs on occasion. BUT we are responsible for giving them the childhood they deserve so we need to count ten and have lots of patience.
What is the alternative? We lose our rags and start screaming and shouting and hitting them..... We then are behaving like children, without restraint.
Please go and get help, you sound in so much pain and both you and your little boy deserve so much more.
Hugs

Sounds like you are doing ok and he us just pushing your buttons. Don't worry about the smack on the butt, I got a few as a kid and remember them well but only as me having pushed the line too far and I always knew I was very well loved and supported and cared for so never associated a smack with anything other than my own bad behaviour.

My toddler is really trying at the moment but I'm finding that not engaging ie. Not giving him negative attention seems to diffuse the situation best. Try to never get in a position where you have to issue an ultimatum. Also ignore obvious button pushing behaviour and just give a 'sad and disappointed' look and turn your back and walk away. If he hits you try a sad reaction rather than an angry one that feeds the situation. Tell him mummy is sad that tiddler tried to hurt her and ask for a hug.

Basically he is looking for you to feed his negative behaviour with your fury. Don't give him that where you can avoid it.

Finally NEVER give in once you have started something. Once he gets the message that there is no point doing battle he will bother less with starting.

Good luck. Nothing you have said worries me, it all sounds normal (if totally hellos right now).

Hellish

Oh and when he says 'I hate you' ' I don't like the stickrs' 'my daddy is better etc'. Just laugh and say cheerily, that's a pity! I find then following up with 'I bet daddy doesn't tickle you like this though....and chasing him around the room, often leads to a giggle etc. With the stickers just say 'no problem, take them down if you want', then smile and walk out.

Thankyou onthepigsback, this is exactly what I was after :-). I have an overwhelming ' need' to show him he is wrong and it isn't acceptable to speak to me in some of the more offensive ways he does. But this is more likely my own anger and fear I am messing it up and will lose more control. My instinct tells me that ignoring and walking away are best for him but many people in my life trying to help me reflect that I don't discipline him properly as I try talk to him but it doesn't work. The danger also is I then explode after a few weeks if non stop escalating challenge and aggression. I know I have shown him the aggression and take full responsibility :-(
The response to the silly comments sounds great. I have to just stifle my anger.
I feel under the circumstances, whilst I am facing non stop challenge and tension between us that if I feel myself getting mad I will just explain that I am removing myself and will deal with it once calm.

Holeinmyheart, I speak to my hv alot but haven't seen her for 4 weeks and really do need to get back in touch seeing as we have an escalation again. I am fortunate enough to already have a wonderful home start volunteer. She is my lifeline. The thing is that there is such conflicting personal and professional views on how to respond that I am very confused. I came on here really looking for examples of what others in my position may have applied and whether it works. I am surrounded by alot of 'old school parenting' types and it doesn't feel right to me - even though that's what I have resorted to. I know it is wrong and I am fighting to break the cycle. If I didn't know this I wouldn't be devastated by how I have behaved. Thankyou for taking the time to respond, really appreciate it

Like you I don't like feel like the old school approach was the right one for my kids, but I did feel that I needed to put boundaries in place and wasn't sure how to do this effectively. I liked this book www.amazon.co.uk/No-Bad-Kids-Toddler-Discipline/dp/1499351119 which did seem to work for me and my eldest, I think I need to keep re reading it though to keep ontop of it. I like that it's very firm but fair, without being all supernanny, it's more about the long term wellbeing of you, your child and your relationship. It does sound like you're dealing with a lot and you're doing better than most of us would. Hope it gets easier for you soon.

Return ofhumanegg, I've almost finished the book having ordered it on audio book last night aftwr your recommendation. It's great, sounds tough though. Must remain unruffled is the key. Going to dig deep. Thankyou :-)