Coping with a newborn - without much help

[ClareBos]

Firstly, I've never posted anything anywhere before, so if there are protocols that I botch up, just please be nice about it.

My DS is only 5 days old, he's so beautiful and I can't imagine being without him. I'm not a single parent, but my husband seems to have his priorities in a twist, he's already worrying about how the lack of sleep will effect him at work and his paternity leave doesn't finish for another 3 days. It hit me at 3am tonight, whilst trying to settle DS that this really is all my responsibility, particularly when the husband - (note not DH atm) suggested that we put DS up for adoption because he can't cope!!!!! My family all live miles away and I'm in London - the least baby friendly place on the planet?? I tried hard to get some form of new Mum friends during my pregnancy but they all seem so competitive and snarly or just bossy and posh. I'm pretty sure that my London party lifestyle friends will all drift off with boredom pretty soon.

So what should I do? I need a coping strategy for a new baby and another one for being alone.

I also need some sleep as DS has (just) finally gone down, so I may not be back on the boards til tomorrow night.

I look forward to hearing any advice that you all have - there is so much Mum experience here I'd appreciate tapping into it.

clarebos, it's a huge and tough adjustment to make and I think London can be really tough on a new mum, and you're only a few days into it. someone once said to me that having a baby is the greatest gift in life but is also a kind of bereavement for your old life and the life of your marriage before the baby. I thought that was a bit extreme at the time but I don't any more! I honestly believe that how good a time you have in newborn motherhood is massively influenced by the strength of your support network. The people I know who were established in their base with friends and family around, and family who can HELP seem to find it a lot easier!
My top three wouldn't be everyones but FWIW:
1] mums and toddlers groups as soon as you feel up to it and as often as you can bear to and go to lots of different ones. You will make mates however much you think you won't - you will and mates are the difference - days are SO long otherwise.
2] get family to come and stay if poss, or go stay there for company - it's really important to have some people around you IMO.
3] Accept how hard what you're doing is. The nappy ads are not the whole truth!
All the best, the beginning is so hard but it will pass as someone else wrote!

ClareBos....I SOOOOOOOO agree with what's written below; it's like there's a huge conspiracy to keep the truth away from prospective mums and this website has absolutely kept me sane and made me realise I'm not going mad. I'd echo much of the advice but if, like me, you just simply cannot get used to sleeping in the day or when your baby sleeps just keep telling yourself that things do also seem much worse because you're tired. ( At around 2 weeks I found I could cry when he cried no problem however!!!)I am fairly isolated from all my close friends and family due to the fact that I had to move for work purposes; now I'm not at work I really really wish my mum was round the corner. I haven't yet gone to any baby groups etc but plan to in the new year - all I can say is just treat every day as a new opportunity. Some days to me go on and on and on, but this site is full of helpful stuff. Good luck

clarebos - you need to join a mums and baby group just so you get the "real" feedback of babies and how they work! ,mumsnet is pretty real too at dispelling myths. i had a best friend who had a baby within 4 weeks of me and it was fabulous as we exchanged our joys and heartaches (husbandS) and a real support. my parents too, werent nearby or dhs'.

so if only to talk babies a m & B group is great.

plus you have to go with babies flow for at least 12weeks. no day will be the same.
forget the housework. if it bothers your dh he'll pick up the hoover at some point.
dont stress out over house stuff.
wash what you need and forget ironing (bet you have already dh can do his shirts)

baby and "you" are most important now. you need your energy, nutritious food and sleep where possible. a walk every day stimulates your bodys natural reserves to boost your immune system and fresh air is great for baby too.
but as all mums will tell you no matter how little sleep you get or how broken it is one does survive and cope quite well because you have a little baby who wants oyu. and this will be your pattern til they are much much older.

wishing you well and congrats too

clarebos, I've been thinking of you ever since I read your message, hope you don't mind another outburst of empathy!
I remember when my mum came to stay after my ds was born and then she left and I might as well have been 2 years old and I sobbed and sobbed and said don't leave me! didn't want DH just my mummy!
It is so so so so normal what you are going through and for some reason we all think it isn't at the time!
A wise old friend of mine saw me with my 4 week old ds and said - "you don't look like you're letting yourself really enjoy your baby!" I was so glad she said that and tried to really relax and enjoy it despite being lonely as Hell!
take care, my heart really goes out to you and wish I could give you a big hug. I would go back to those days now to have my ds a baby again however sad I was they do grow up horribly quickly like every bloody person tells you: " enjoy it while it lasts!" I used to hate that but now I know they were right!

Oh, agree with having dh in a different bed (or on the floor in another room in our case). no point 2 people being tired- thats more difficult for the relationship than separate beds

clarebos - how are you doing? Just wondered hope all is well.
All the best

Awwww...first time motherhood is, as magical as it can be, very diificult and scary and one has a lot of adjusting to do....
I'd say, set your priorities right...this means things like a superclean house are pretty muych at the bottom of the list! Getting rest is, I believe a msin priority, so, if possible at all, then DO sleep when the lil one does.
I'm not much for a routine but found that getting up with the lil one at a similar time each morning has the knock on effect of them settling into some sort of a rythm earlyish all by themselfs!
Try to get your self washed and dressed each day, because it will make you feel better in yourself....!
Try to eat regularly, but, this does not mean a lot of hassle needs to be involved....sandwiches and cereal are quick and easy, but will keep you going....!
Ask your HV, that you will be seeing pretty soon, once discharged from m/w care, about mum and Baby groups,also, just going out for walks will get you people willing to talk to you....Baby.s especially Newborns work aswell as dogs to get into conversation with complete strangers!
Anyway, congrats on the Birth of your lil ds and must admit...rofl at your hubbies comment about having your ds adopted already....lol

Hello Everyone

The last few days have been a nightmare, but we're all still alive and no-one's been adopted yet.

DS has a baby rash that seems to be some sort of medical marvel, the mw sent us to hospital with it yesterday and the paediatrician was so amazed at its severity that she called over all the trainees in the ward to have a look. Most babies get spots, mine has large yellow pus-filled blisters. Very distressing to look at, but apparently not bothering him.

We also had a feeding frenzy for 48 hours where DS was obviously trying to improve his milk supply, thankfully that's now passed, although I'm thinking of expressing sooner rather than later so DH can do something more useful than picking arguments.

Yes, DH is STILL being an a**e. Yesterday he thought I should go to the hospital with DH on my own as I was being "wet". And he's just taken DS over to a friend's house where I had to phone him to remind him to bring the little guy back to be fed.

A friend of mine just said that she thinks most cases of post natal depression can be traced back to "Husband Needs Hitting With a Brick" syndrome.

Basically I feel a lot better than I did when I first posted, my Mum's coming next week, which may help and someone told me that by week 3 the baby may be more settled, which has given me a light at the end of the sleep free tunnel. The MW has suggested I make a GP appt to talk about PND.

Thank you very much for all your kind advice and for caring enough to come back and find out if I'm ok.

CB

glad your head is still above water (just). ignore the extreme provocation of dh being an a**e.... its v v common ime but you dont have energy to waste on getting furioue with him.... try and let it wash over you and concentrate on keeping well and happy. well done so far!

Hi Clarebos. I think men just find it much more difficult to adjust to a new baby. I know my DH loves DS to bits, but he cannot stand him crying and he gets really stressed out about it, which just makes things worse. And DS is a screamer!! I have had to accept that caring for DS on a day to day basis is my responsibility, even at weekends, since DH manages to make me feel really quite guilty otherwise. I don't think he means to, but I just get a tired and grumpy "do you want me to...." - what can you say? Of course when you're breastfeeding, your husband can't get involved in that side of things unless you express, and I think they find it very hard to get their heads around the less obvious baby care stuff. It is worth perservering with your DH though - he may actually be feeling left out.

I really do sympathise with you - I'm a long way from family as well and I'm really feeling it. But I have to say, now we're in a bit of a routine (DS is 4.5 months) I'm really enjoying looking after him. At the end of the day, you are the most important person in your DS's world. It's you he wants when he's hungry or upset and that is a lovely feeling.

I'm rambling I'm afraid cos I'm tired. Best of luck - things will get better I promise!

Hi Clarebos, there's not much I can add to all the great advice you've had already except to warn you that your ds will probably go through another feeding frenzy at about 3 weeks. I was told by a NCT BF counsellor that they have growth spurts at about 10 days, 3 weeks, 6 weeks and 3 months. I didn't know that with my first two and gave up bf cos I thought I couldn't do it. Forewarned is fore armed and all that .

I'd also agree that it gets easier after about 3 weeks and easier again after 6 weeks as you get to know each other more and more. Having other people around whose babies are a similar age to yours is great for reassuring you that you're not alone and your baby is completely normal. Even if they are 'cyber friends' as dh calls mn!

Thanks for the heads up Oli, I'll make sure there's a lot of chocolate in the house in those weeks

As for DH being an a**e, he's actually being physically very supportive, making meals, washing up and I think he read the washing machine manual earlier today! But he just doesn't trust my instincts or emotions. The result is that he's got a lot of scorn to throw at me and he's quick to label me as crazy or "wet" which he came up with yesterday after I refused to deal with the workmen we have fixing our leaky kitchen roof.

I think he's scared because he knows he can't cope when DS is difficult to deal with, I suppose he thinks that if I lose it then we're all up a creek without a boat. The mw put him straight on a few things this morning (I told her about the workmen and she asked if there was anywhere I could stay whilst they were here!)and he listened to her, just not me. I keep trying to talk to him about it, but he gets very defensive. In the end I'm not sure it's worth starting a row in order to clear the air.

Next week he's back at work and my Mum is here, it will be an interesting change, I'll keep you posted.