Help! Very competitive 7 year old boy...

[Finola1step]

My ds is 7.5 and in Year 3. He goes to a great school, is very happy there, never in trouble, doing really well. Fantastic.

At home, he's pretty good too. We have a secure home, two dc, I'm currently a SAHM, dh very involved. DS is a great boy, full of interesting facts. Loves learning about historical events and figures. Has a wide range of interests.

So to the issue. DS is incredibly competitive. Board games, sports, being first to the front door. Anything. He plays football competitively and is pretty good. But he has to win. He's always in the right when it comes to the beautiful game. Even a kick about with mates at a party descends into frustrated tears because he either loses, or his teammates are in his words "rubbish", or a free kick is given unjustly. He has a very strong sense of right and wrong. And woe betide a referee who makes a mistake in his eyes.

He has always been very physical. He started crawling at 4 months and could run as soon as he could walk. But his competitive spirit is exhausting.

We have done all the usual. Sticker charts, earning wii time. Talking things through, counting down from 10, positive reinforcement. DD is the opposite, laid back, enjoys having a go at everything.

So over to you wise mnetters. There must be someone out there who has been through this, bought the t shirt etc. And advice gratefully received.

Bump?

Hey
You probably don't want to hear this but he sounds amazing!! Lots of fun and very driven to achieve which are great qualities.

What problem are you finding? Is it that you are worried if he doesn't win something or achieve something important to him he will be crushed? Or is it that his constant need to win is impacting on the family?

I have a small child so am not in a great position to advise and I would be secretly happy if my DC are confident and try to win things as I never did! Some people are just winners and that is probably due to their hard work and determination. Hope you don't mind me giving my thoughts x

Thank you Chosen. Your thoughts are very welcome. I suppose the crux of it boils down to this. He's so competitive that when he doesn't win or if things don't go his way, he starts to tantrum a bit like a 3 year old. He just can't deal with the frustration and keep a lid on it. I worry that he will become or is becoming the "cry baby" of his friendship group and will lose friends.

And if I'm truly honest, I find such behaviour a bit embarrassing. I know that sounds awful. I love my son to the ends of the earth but I just find myself wishing he would grow out of it. Soon. Now.

I've been a teacher for 19 years. I've taught plenty of competitive children in my time. My ds has so many strengths but by goodness, he can be exhausting at times.

And you're right Chosen, he is amazing.

Yes, this needs to stop. It's wonderful that he wants to win but bad losers are just ghastly.

I have 6 boys from adult to primary and they are all competitive and high achievers, we took a very hard line with this kind of behavior, it's absolutely not ok.

One of mine plays for a premiership football academy and that kind of behavior is absolutely not tolerated there either.

This isn't your fault, don't blame yourself or anything but now is the perfect time to change it. If he wants to get ahead in life he needs to realize that there are peaks and troughs, that you can't always win, and especially he needs to learn to never blame other people if he doesn't win, if he wants to achieve more, he needs to learn to work harder, not blame others, that is really nasty and could really affect another child's confidence.

Ton of bricks approach from me, if he can't accept that sometimes you lose and not to criticize teammates, blame others etc then he wouldn't be playing. This is what we did and what my DB did with his son, it got to the point that nobody wanted to play with DN and he was banned from everything, he eventually learned to play and interact properly and is now also very high achieving and competitive in a healthy way, very happy lad. My boys are better off for the hard line approach too. Honed their skills to win and achieve instead of whining and crying and blaming.

He'll be fine!! It might take some time whichever approach you choose but these problems are totally solvable. . You sound like a lovely and considerate mum, well done for addressing this, so many don't and their child is much worse off for it, being competitive is a good thing but there is a line, and this is it. I agree, it is terribly embarrassing, having to march your child away from a football match while they scream is cringetastic. Little brats

Is he also a poor winner? If he is then that needs to change too.

Thank you Rachel. Lots of very wise words in your post. I doff my cap to you and your 6 boys!

You're right, this is where the line has to be drawn. It feels like we have been working on this for ages (which we have!).

In certain situations, he's great. He trains weekly with a selective academy - no problems. He loves the pace, the skill work, the tough coaches. He thrives. I would say that he is worse in a looser, more relaxed scenario. Such as a kick about or a football themed party. Or in a all comers training session. He has told me that he enjoys PE more now because its tougher now in Year 3. I just find it hard to relate to - I hated competitive sport at school.

He's not a bad winner, thank goodness. And he can sometimes accept losing. He played today and his team got thrashed. But he was fine because the team is made up of boys already training with premiership teams so he's just pleased he actually scored. But nevermind the ignoring his coach's instructions

So I guess we keep plugging away....

Hi
I can see that this thread is from a while ago but I was googling to find out how to help my Ds after yet another training ground tantrum and I came across your post - no joke word for word you could have been writing about my boy!! Just curious to know what you did and how this worked out for you as he is 7.5 and in year 3 right now. Any hints and tips for me please?

And for the record, he is equally amazing!

I would recommend you start your own thread really. OP is not likely to be back.

I think a heavy dose of upping the value of kindness and consideration to others. Everyone needs to learn to be kind and respectful to their teammates and refs, no matter how good they are. Don't let your son be the child who's famous for his tantrums and for blaming his friends. He won't keep those friends very long, and being talented at football is no excuse.

Also when DS goes through a phase of being a bad loser, we make sure we win against him! He needs to keep losing so it loses its sting and he can practice behaving better. I'd rather he tantrum at home, when we can deal with it, than out in the playground where he risks losing friends over it.