I e become a horrible shouty moany parent

[HammerToFall]

I went to bed last night in tears after another day of moaning shouting and nagging at my two dc. Ds is 7 and Ds is 9. Ds has aspergers and can be difficult to deal with, I'm usually pretty good at dealing with the unreasonableness and tantrums but just lately I feel myself flipping all the time. Dd is good, not really naughty but she has a habit of continually breaking, damaging and ruining stuff for no reason. Yesterday morning I go into the bathrooms I discover she has drawn everywhere with my liquid eyeliner. I went ballistic. An hour later I go into the kitchen, there's icing sugar all over the floor. She has tried eating spoonfuls of it and got it everywhere so I go ballistic. She left her brand new kindle on the aeroplane on August and now kicks off on a weekend that she has nothing to watch when Ds watches Netflix on his. She also has shocking tantrums at bed time during the week as she doesn't want to go to bed so nearly every night she is falling asleep with a bad atmosphere.

They fight and argue continually, from the minute they get up to the minute they go to bed.

Ds has ridiculous logic because of his aspergers, and if he can't get his own way he tantrums like a two year old. Little things like teeth brushing, cutting his nails and getting him to take his book bag to school
Cause total chaos.

It seems as though recently all I do is shout. They go into school after an hour of us all shouting at each other in the car (school runs takes about an hour in the morning) I pick them up full of good intentions and within ten minutes i'm having to tell them off again.

I had a really rubbish nights sleep last night, going over and over in my head how nothing is fun anymore and they must be so fed up of mum just being cross all the time.

I am going to really try and change things from today. I don't want them remembering me as a horrible shouty mother when they grow up. I'm so worried they will decide they had a rubbish childhood and go no contact.

Has anyone else got into this rut and managed to turn things around? At the minute I feel like I'm living a nightmare version of Groundhog Day.

First, empathy! We have all been there! My DS has aspergers too and I'm not sure if you have already been down this route but these are things that work for us.

1. Writing things in lists, for example 'morning jobs', presented at a peaceful time. Make sure the flashpoints are in the list. Eg 'get out of bed by 7:30, get clothes out, put clothes on, have breakfast, clean teeth, pick up bookbag and coat if it is cold or wet, leave for school'.
2. Routines, which are clear but varied occasionally. My DS has a bath in Mon, Wed and Fri and hairwash Mon and Fri but occasionally we don't do the Friday bath but move it to Saturday. This is to show him that routines are useful but the world doesn't fall apart if you vary them.
3. Clear rules. In my house the kids can help themselves to the fruit bowl and snack box (breadsticvks, biscuits). The snackbox runs down very quickly and when it's empty it is empty for a few days. DS also gets to make himself toast or noodles after school as an extra (he is a young teen and growing fast ). They are not allowed other food without checking with me first.

With regard to patience I am pretty good at managing my temper as I always consider the intent of the action. Spilt sugar would not make me ballistic as there was no intent to disrupt or upset. I would be getting my child to come and wipe it up while telling them that sugar is not an appropriate snack and telling them that I don't expect them to eat it raw again, reminding them of the snacks available. No need to yell. The eyeliner would have annoyed me more because at 7 or 9 she would know that was disrespectful of someone else's property. That one would be a clean up (after school if time is pressing) and a confiscation of something she likes for the evening, eg no computer time or TV time. I keep my confiscations short because I need to keep to them. It is better to say 'no iPad for an hour' and stick to it, than 'no iPad for a week' and give it back after 3 days, because the first option teaches them that you mean what you say. Re the kindle, no need for an argument. You agree with her. 'Yes it is a shame you can't watch Netflix, we know why that is though don't we? Maybe you can ask for a replacement kindle for Xmas / birthday? In the meantime, you can do xxxx or yyyyy'.

Your determination to turn things round is really positive. Don't worry too much, the kids will love you whether you are shouty or not, but I find I don't have the emotional energy to engage in yelling on a daily basis. I still yell up the stairs to get them for supper, but find I don't have to yell at them all that often...and when I do, they know I really mean it!

Thanks for that squashy. It all makes sense. Can I just ask how do you deal with your Ds when he is crying like a baby over something like he doesn't want to take his book bag to school. On Friday he literally threw himself
On the floor sobbing that I have ruined his life by insisting he takes the book bag, then goes into complete
Despair saying totally unrelated stuff like he will never be allowed on his play station again or to go and I'm going to take all his track suits of him (his latest obsession is tea suits sigh!) it's so draining and so utterly ridiculous.

Major sympathy from me too! I really struggled when my DC were that age and neither have SN. Their constant sniping at each other and hurting each other drove me nuts and we started many mornings with me screaming and yelling on the way to the car.

My problem was that I was patient, patient, patient but then lost it. DM taught me to escalate more slowly. Not sure if that worked or if they just started to grow up a bit. Things definitely improved when DS went to secondary.

There is light at the end of the tunnel, honestly.

I would tell DS that bringing a book bag to school is not something worth crying about, that it is useful because it helps him carry stuff ,that is all. If he started on unrelated stuff (which sounds like you may have made wild threats in frustration in the past?) I would tell him that if he is worried that he will end up with a punishment then the simplest way to avoid it would be to bring his bookbag. I do a lot of giving an ultimatum and walking away with my aspie as he finds it very very hard to conform in my presence (something to do with the pressure he feels under). So for example I'd probably say 'We need to go. I expect to see you at the car in the next 1 minute, with your bookbag. If you bring it I will be impressed. If you choose to leave it behind that will be deliberate disobedience and I'm afraid there will have to be a consequence. However I know you will make the sensible choice.' Then I would leave him on the floor and get in the car. I would be flexible on the time but after a while if no show I would say '20 seconds left' etc then eventually, after plenty of countdown time I would say 'what a shame I really thought you were going to be mature about this today. Final chance, be in the car in the next 5 seconds or I will have to confiscate the iPad for an hour this evening'. So basically I am still not shouting but am being firm, giving plenty of chances and an opportunity for him to rescue it and get a 'well done, good decision' outcome.

Thanks squashy. I haven't made wild threats but he tends to catastrophise everything. He can't accept it when I won't talk or engage about it anymore so he ups the ante further and further to try and get a reaction. I know the best thing is not to respond and just remain firm but for some reason the past six months ive become weaker and weaker and find myself negotiating and arguing. I think what makes it worse is Dd has seen him exhibit this behaviour all
Her life so she now thinks this is the way to deal with problems and kicks off accordingly!

With your DD breaking/spilling/drawing, just count to ten. Calmly ask her how she is going to tidy her mess up. Let her sort it while you watch happily relaxing with a cup of tea.

With your DS write/use images to create a list of things he needs to do each morning. Let him tick them off.

Walk away from theatricals. Get up earlier, go to bed earlier, plan nice breakfasts

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/parenting/2479982-How-do-you-stop-yourself-shouting-at-your-children