My father is serving a long sentence for historical sexual abuse. My DD is 6.5. She hasn't seen him 2.5 years. (My DS is nearly 4 but doesn't remember him, I don't think).
There was a long time period between his initial arrest, police interviews etc. and the decision to prosecute and then the trial. (Nearly 2 years from arrest to conviction).
DD used to ask all the time where he was/when he was coming back. She adored him and he used to spend a weekend day with us about once a month prior my learning who and what he was/had done.
When I decided to cut contact with him (when he asked me to essentially lie in my police interview and I refused to do this), we really struggled with what to tell DD.
We told her (over several conversations, when she asked), that he had done things that had hurt people a long time ago and that he was a grown up and knew that it was wrong but had still carried on doing it and that he didn't want to say he was sorry. We told her that grown-ups take decisions that are hard to understand, but that's our job and that we had decided it was best we didn't see him any more. I told her she could always ask questions (she asked what he did wrong and I told her it really wasn't very nice and I didn't want her to have to understand it but I'd explain when she was older, which she accepted).
She struggled with it for a good while and was cross with me, which was our job to calmly absorb. I totally understood why she felt that way. The period running up to the trial last year was horrible, I really struggled with it all and struggled with the witness summons to court etc. After he was convicted and imprisoned I felt a great sense of relief and we've all moved into a much better happier space.
Which brings us to now. After months and months of not mentioning it, my DD has asked recently when she can see him again and whether he's 'sorry yet'. She says she misses him and he was so much fun. I said I knew it made her sad and that I know she and he loved each other but that nothing had changed. Since then she's raised it twice more - so 3 times in the last 2 weeks.
If he serves half of his sentence and then is paroled, he won't be released until she's a teenager.
At what point do we tell her that he's in prison? I don't want her to have to deal with other people's reactions to that (when she tells them about it), and I worry about the questions about why he's in prison. I don't want her tainted by stigma of offences that are his responsibility, because I know people's reactions aren't always what you'd like them to be. BUT I don't want her to feel like we've lied to her and for there to be a difficult and big reveal when she's much older. I'm wondering if she keeps asking about it because our answer isn't giving her enough to understand his absence.
She's a really bright, articulate child who is in some ways very mature for her age and in others not - she's a very intense child when it comes to her emotional world and in the past when I've struggled with my wellbeing, she's like an mirror - her behaviour becomes very challenging, especially with me.
Sorry it's long (didn't want to drip feed). At what age and how would you think about beginning a conversation like this?