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Parenting

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Original poster

DD has no friends - should I ask other mothers to help us?

18 replies

lostinspace2day · 04/10/2015 23:48

My DD has no friends, and had none at her previous school. Heartbreaking to watch her try too hard and be too bossy and demanding. Also DD is very adult and mature, which comes across as boring to those her own age. However one or two other mothers have appreciated her maturity, and felt sorry for her, and asked her to have playdates with their DD, although the actual friendship between the two DD's is a bit rocky. DD is now so sad, most of the time. I wonder if I should openly tell the other mothers who have been a bit supportive that my DD is really unhappy and please could they ask their children to help mine to feel more included at school and out of school? Also, how can I talk to my daughter about what she is going through/feeling without making her feel it is all a big hopeless disaster?

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Canyouforgiveher · 04/10/2015 23:53

How old is she?

TendonQueen · 04/10/2015 23:55

I'm sure people will be along who have good suggestions about supporting your DD. I would definitely talk to the other mums though and say you'd appreciate their help. Maybe you could invite them round to your house or somewhere with your DD, rather than them 'having to' invite her always IYSWIM?

Neddyteddy · 05/10/2015 00:10

talk to the teacher about it.
Invite the girls she likes on play dates
work on her listening skills and her ability to compromise.
yes it's fine to mention to some parents that your DD is struggling but it's really for the teacher to sort and not parents

How did she get so bossy?

My eldest DS had a very negative experience of an unbearably bossy child. It was bloody awful with DS feeling forced into doing specific things his friends way. In the end, the boy became very isolated in his friendship group. No one wanted to spend any time with him, which he found very upsetting. His mother kept on talking about being considerate and listening to others. He's learnt the hard way that he had to stop the dictatorship. He's much better generally now but still has his moments.

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scarednoob · 05/10/2015 03:23

I don't really have much that is helpful, just wanted to say that I feel really sorry for you both. FWIW I can think of several girls that I was at school with who were similar at a younger age but did have plenty of friends by the time we were older - they just had to learn to relax and not try so hard.

Is your daughter old enough to have a chat about how to play with/talk to other children?

JoyceDivision · 05/10/2015 03:31

How old is your DD?

If you do lots of school pick ups if you can budget I would get her in loads of classes after school (swimming, either lessons or just going together) rainbows,classes at sports centre, a musical instrument, so she is so busy it leaves no time to be sat at home alone.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 05/10/2015 03:32

I think it's hard to put the responsibility on other DCs to be friends with your DC iyswim especially if they are young.

By all means, invite the other DCs for playdates but I wouldn't be asking their parents to ask their DCs to help.

For one thing, depending on how they approach it, it could single your DD out as different which actually won't help her. I remember as a child, a girl being made to invite me to a small party we weren't particularly close and it was her mum who made her invite me anyway, she took great delight in telling me and anyone who would listen that she didn't want me there and her mum had made her. If the other DCs aren't particularly sensitive to your DD's needs then you could end up with a similar situation.

I'd focus on finding hobbies outwith school where she can interact and build friendships with DCs who have similar interests. Sometimes school can be a bit of a hothouse for friendships. It can be too intense. Building your DD's confidence with friendships outwith that environment might help as a first step.

Doraydiego · 05/10/2015 05:07

How old is she? Although it is hard for her and hard for you to watch, it is understandable that others don't want to be bossed around.

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 05/10/2015 05:31

Personally I don't think it's fair to force children to play with other children who are unpleasant company. As hard as it is to see your child excluded and lonely, if she is doing things that alienate her peers she needs to go through a gradual process of the realisation of cause and effect. Explain it to her as gently as you can without seeming accusatory or overly critical, and I don't know how old she is, but can she join Brownies or something similar?

'Adult' and 'mature' are often euphemisms applied to children who are precocious and insufferable, I'm afraid. I do think these children mellow over time though, and kind of grow into themselves, if that makes sense. Perhaps she just needs time, and some gentle encouragement to be less forceful when in group situations.

I think if you start asking other mothers to make sure she's included you might end up having to hear a few home truths that will make you wish you hadn't asked. Don't force it.

BathshebaDarkstone · 05/10/2015 05:55

Yy to inviting other children round to yours.

waterrat · 05/10/2015 07:11

What happens at outside aschool activities like drama? Maybe with a focus it would be easier for her?

If he personality is really getting in the way of her making friends is it worth finding a child counsellor maybe who help her talk through specific situations ?

Is there an objective but kind friend you could ask for honest feedback on why children don't want to play with her?

Painful as it will be...it would be a great gift to her if you can help her change now

Mehitabel6 · 05/10/2015 07:17

It really depends on age. You can if very little but not if 7 or older. She is the one you need to work on- and get her joining other activities.

RoganJosh · 05/10/2015 07:17

My DD has a tendency to put people right when she should let them make their own mistakes. It's well meant but but didn't come across well.
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Neddyteddy · 05/10/2015 08:04

I think its a very bad idea to ask other mums to help your DD feel more included. Because the other kids might then feel obliged to accept the awful forceful behaviour your DD displays. That wouldn't be fair on the other kids as they need to be free to leave your DD alone when ever she's too controlling.

BrightonMum36 · 05/10/2015 08:58

My suggestion is for you to keep an eye out for children maybe two years older than her who like younger children and who like or don't mind being 'followers' as opposed to 'leaders'. That would suit your daughters personality type. Sounds like kids her own age are too young to deal with her and that's fair enough.
I agree that she needs some good discussions and guidance from you about the effects of her behaviour on her peers and how it would then have a knock on effect on her own happiness. A VERY important life lesson indeed.

poppycomeshome · 05/10/2015 18:06

I feel for you and dd, it is so difficult. I would gladly accept every offer and invitation from other mothers.

How do you know for sure she is being bossy? Is it something you have seen? It is just she sounds incredibly isolate even for someone with a bossy nature, lots of bossy girls have lots of friends, so it is a little strange that she doesn't even have one or two friends. I can imagine it is making her really sad, and awful for you as well.

As a suggestion perhaps you could organise some some small parties and playdates at your house with girls your dd likes, but perhaps a rule or two that your dd should make them feel welcome, ask the girls what they would like to play with/do, and show consideration whilst they were in your home. Closely monitoring the playdates to be sure. Perhaps a chat beforehand to run through how she can create a happy time with her friends.

It is great you seem to have support from the other mothers, if it were really bad I am sure you wouldn't. Maybe she needs older friends for now. Is she an oc?

Original poster

lostinspace2day · 05/10/2015 21:04

Many thanks for all the reply. These are all really useful to help me with my 7 year old. I have been encouraged to think that rather than seek the help of other parents I will first work on my DD, gently, to help them be more likeable. I realise it will take time. Thanks for the encouragement that eventually children will learn. I will keep reading over these replies - thank you

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Floppy5885 · 05/10/2015 21:05

She will learn I'm sure. It will just take time

starlight2007 · 05/10/2015 21:10

Have you thought about groups like cubs.. She may find it easier in a mixed environment but it is more structured and fun.

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