Judged about my choices, can any WOHMs give me a pep talk?

[NoArmaniNoPunani]

I'm pregnant with my first baby. I'm self employed and the main earner. DH and I are sharing the leave 4months each. We can't afford for me to be away from work longer than that. I return PT 3.5 days per week. Then after his 4months he'll be doing 3.

I'm getting ready fed up with people telling me I won't be able to do this. I'm under no illusions that I have no idea yet how hard it'll be to leave my baby but surely this plan isn't totally unworkable. I'm feeling shit after a visit from a SAHM friend who has told me I'm being unrealistic.

I went back FT when DD was 5 months. DH was FT SAHP from then. It was fine. Hard work but fine. Ignore the arseholes. Best of luck with your pregnancy x

What reason did your SAHM friend give for thinking your plans were unrealistic?

She didn't give a reason, just her opinion and a smug, knowing smile!

At 8months baby will have 2 days a week in nursery.

I went back to work full-time when both mine were 4 months. Dh was also working full-time. They are in their 20's now both still with us hale hearty and happy.
People love to judge if it's not this it will be something else. The worst comment I had was on my first day back at work someone said , in my hearing, that they couldn't understand mother's who leave their children so they could work for luxuries. As I pointed out food is not a luxury. Ignore or use the mumsnet classic did you mean to be so rude

Your plan sounds perfectly doable to me. Well done on not responding "I understand combining working and parenthood wasn't something you could manage but lots of people do" to your friend. (To be clear, I would never say this to a SAHP unless severely provoked, as in this case).

I went back P-T when ds was 4.5 months old. I said I was going back F-T straight away, my boss (male) advised not to - he was quite right. But I was back to F-T quite quickly because mine was the only income. Shared care with both partners P-T sounds ideal to me, I really do think this is the future of working parenthood. Well done on being thoroughly modern.

I had 4m off with all mine and they had to go to nursery. I think in your case much better as with a family member.
Mine are all fine as far as I can see.

I planned 4 months but ended up taking 6 as I changed jobs and that's the way the timing worked. My husband then took 2 months, so the baby was almost 8 months before we used childcare. It was ok. I have to say though that a non-sleeping baby definitely affected my powers of concentration and memory so unless you get a sleeping one, be prepared for that! Also be prepared for feeling that you are not doing everything as well as you should be. That's a pretty common sentiment for wohm.

It sounds eminently workable to me. I went back to work FT when my twins were five months, but did a day a week from when they were four months to settle us all into the nursery routine. It was tiring but I wouldn't change anything looking back.

People told me all sorts of things while I was pregnant and since, I've been quite astonished, but as I've always been happy with our set up I've ignored pretty much all of it. That's the key thing, if it works for you, that's great and that's your business, not theirs.

Sounds like a very decent setup. Baby will be at home with a parent for 8 months, which is pretty standard. Both working part time means you'll get loads of time with baby and minimise childcare costs, whilst still keeping your careers going. Frankly I think many people would jump at that if offered. Since I went back from ML with DC1, I've always been PT and DH either flexible or PT, which has worked well for us and enabled us each to have sole responsibility for childcare on some days.

The only caveat is that if you have a very difficult pregnancy and/or birth, it's possible you won't feel well enough to go back after 4 months. However I should think that's only a small minority of women.

Helen Mirren at 70 was asked what advice she would give her younger self and she replied "Tell people to f### off more often".

I suggest employing this advice

Seriously though....it isn't anyone else's place to question what choices you and your DP make about returning to work. I am the main earner by a long way and will return after 4-6 months depending on finances.

It's actually much more unusual in the world to have 12 months off than to go back. In the US for example women only get a few weeks usually. I would thank them for their advice but say that how they managed things simply doesn't work for your situation and finances and remind them we're all different. And if that doesn't work then definitely tell them to f### off. You don't need to justify your decision to anyone.

No Armani

I've seen you on these boards for ages. You're a strong independent woman with a responsible job. Why are you even entertaining these people?

She probably means she couldn't do it. and I don't meN for sentimental reasons some people just seem to crumple when they have a baby.

You haven't and won't. The www one going to nursery a couple of days will be good for him. He will be more confident as he gets older. You will have headspace and adult life and be able to give more to him the half a week you are physically with him. And you will know you are doing the right thing to provide a decent quality of life for him too.

Now chin up, head tilt and knowing sympathetic smile back at her next time!

Fuck em! Sorry - I have the right hump this week with just this sort of thing.

My friend and I are both director or thereabouts level in our jobs. I run my husbands business with him.
My friend has to get back ASAP - she has booked nursery, opposite her work (bonus!) from three months ready to go back. Under no illusion it will be hard, but necessary.
I only the other hand am still not 100% decided but I have started browsing for a part time nanny to do something along the lines of 4 mornings a week, from about one month - I don't have to 'go' back to work as I can work from home, so fairly easy there in terms of flexibility around babies needs.

One thing I have learnt don't listen to anyone who is either closed minded or poles apart from you. Just because you are becoming a mum like them does not make you the same!!

A lot of my friends and family are SAHM's and they love it, it suits them down to the ground, they are lovely fuzzy cuddly yummy mummies and I am so down with how they live their life. I am not particularly maternal, don't get me wrong I am not cold or not loving towards my baby who hasn't even arrived yet, but I'm not the cooey type and I am not at all wanting to stop working nor bee at home with my baby 7 days a week by myself (we live in an extremely isolated area and my husband works everyday, as I do currently, so I would literally go days without seeing someone - not healthy for someone like me)

I tell you what works well for me though is people telling me I can't do it - red rag to a bull - I Can and I WILL!
I will be back answering emails within weeks if not days, and I will be back doing a few hours a week for board meetings within weeks. If baby is 'easy' (I say that with some understanding having lived with my sister through three, very different, babies) then they can come to work with me for an hour to see everyone - and if they are not well that's why I am planning nanny care so I can pop out for an hour a few times a week to stay sane.

Someone scoffed at some of my plans (I should add at this point I have made plans A through to Z to accommodate all and Any changed feelings after birth, I'm not completely ignorant/bullish) and asked me if I thought I was superwoman. And I thought, do you know what, yeah maybe I bloody am - I work 70 hours a week, have horses ponies chickens and dogs, cook from scratch most days, swim/gym and keep the house ..... So yes, yes I am. Just like I think my SIL who stays at home with her three children is superwoman for always having happy fulfilled children in a spic and span house. What happened to sister hood?! Supporting each other's choices, and celebrating each other's differences. The last thing you want when the going gets rough is an 'I told you so' attitude - you don't need that sort of negativity in your life!

I am so sorry for the rant, as I say I'm a bit poxed off on this topic lately, but OP I really wanted to demonstrate how much you should be supported in whatever options you choose because I'm sure that going back to work and not is just as hard a decision as the other for many, so good luck to you.

Put your superwoman badge on and crack on!

Flipping heck that was long! Sorry got carried away!

The two hardest things about going back to work are:-

1. Getting everyone out the house looking vaguely presentable
2. Handing baby over to nursery and baby crying

Presumably you will only have to get you out the house (or even dressed!) and it will be lovely daddy so very very different.

Sounds fine to me, though if you do end up changing your mind (and uou both agree) then that's fine too

As other have said it's getting everyone out of the house with the million and one things you need to remember for nursery - oh and the child - that is the really tricky bit. I suspect you'll leave your oh and baby in bed together, didnt happen often bit I used to love doing that :o

OP how have you got on?

I'm 6 weeks pp and back at work 4 days with baby coming too. Worked from home PT from the get-go (baby is a good napper) but had to bite the bullet and get back to work semi properly.