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Parenting

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Was I wrong to report this incident with my daughter to the Police?

17 replies

ILiveAtTheBeach · 02/10/2015 15:55

Firstly I will say, that I think I did the right thing! But, I am being made to feel by some, that I didn't. So...

My ExH has been living with his GF for a few years (maybe 3). At first she seemed nice around the kids (they were 15 and 12 when she moved in, they are now 18 and 16). She cooked dinner, did some washing etc. They would stay 2-3 nights a week with ExH and his GF, and the rest of the week with me.

But the past year, the GF has become quite volatile. I don't know why. I only know this because the kids have let stuff slip. I cannot ask ExH about it, because we do not have a good relationship (he would be defensive). She has only been volatile with ExH, not the kids (or I would have said something, obviously). My own suspicion is that he is cheating on her (it's what he did to me and we had the added benefit of marriage!)

Anyway, a few months ago, the kids were staying over there and at about 10pm, I got a frantic call from DD saying that the GF had "gone mad" and was attacking her. What actually happened, was that the ExH had come home from a night out, the GF was angry about him being out (don't know why) and an argument ensued. DD (age 16) let out a sigh (she was fed up of all the arguments) and the GF threw a glass of water over her. Then the empty glass. Then the GF went to the glasses cupboard and threw several empty pint glasses at DD's head. Thankfully GF was drunk and had bad aim, and all the glasses missed DD, but smashed onto the wall behind. When the glasses ran out, GF twisted DD's hair into her hands and pulled her around the kitchen. ExH was slow off the mark (pissed) to try to get GF off the DD, but DS who had heard the commotion from upstairs raced down and between him and the ExH, they managed to get the GF off. GF then lunged for DD's throat, but was tackled to the ground by ExH and DS. There was lots of wrangling, and DS managed to flee to bedroom and call me, as per mentioned above. Me and my DH jumped in the car and raced over there. I called the Police en-route. When we got there, the GF had fled (ExH told her I was calling Police). Place was an absolute mess - curtains hanging off/smashed glass on floor and one very wet DD. Me and DH did not go mad. We could see that ExH, DS and DD were all shaken, and none of it was their fault. We all sat at kitchen table, where ExH revealed that GF was unwell & on anti-depressants. He also said this was the final straw and that he would dump her. Which he did. She came back a few days later with a Van and collected all her stuff. He had the locks changed. It is definitely over.

So, the Police came and took statements from DS and DD. The ExH has refused to give a statement to Police, because he thinks that by throwing her out, she has been punished enough. He lives in a really nice detached house, she will have to go back to a dodgy part of town. No more holidays (that he used to pay for) etc.

ExH has managed to convince the kids that I have pushed them in to reporting it and that it should have been let lie. He has told DS that this could hamper his Uni chances if the GF says it's all a lie and that DS attacked her (rather than pulling her off DD).

Well, it went to Court in July and she pled Not Guilty. So, now a court date has been set for November. I thought she would just plead guilty and get a fine, but obviously not!

As this happened months ago (March), kids just want to forget about it, and I totally get that. But I cannot now change this course of events, it's too late. So kids are being told by ExH and his family that it's all my fault they will get dragged through Court. I think that's really unfair! I know some women who would have been to the GF's door and smacked her! All I did was report it, and somehow, I am the bad guy.

OP posts:
ILiveAtTheBeach · 02/10/2015 15:57

Sorry DD fled to bedroom to call me!

OP posts:
gamerwidow · 02/10/2015 16:02

You did the right thing unfortunately people who are abusive or in an abusive relationship have way of twisting things so it seems to be everyone else's fault. The truth will out but in the meantime I'm sorry this is being dragged out for you.

EeyoresTail · 02/10/2015 16:02

Surely the GF isn't saying your DS attacked her though as the police would have spoken to him by now

ILiveAtTheBeach · 02/10/2015 16:13

EeyoresTail That's what I said. I think the ExH was trying somehow to get kids to retract statements and was giving a "what if" scenario. Also, my DH is a Police Officer and he said they would have been here to follow up an allegation of that sort.

OP posts:
Twitterqueen · 02/10/2015 16:17

Poor you and your poor DCs. No, you were absolutely not wrong to report this. How would your DCs have felt if you hadn't actually done anything at all? That would have sent them some pretty horrible messages...

It's dreadful that this has now turned back on you, but you must try to rise above it as best you can. It's not your responsibility that the GF is disputing matters. If you DCs can see your quiet determination that this matter should go through the proper process I suspect they will respect you for it - - even if that doesn't happen for a while.

Stick with it. Flowers

SmellsLikeMiddleAgeSpirit · 02/10/2015 16:23

Your daughter was viciously assaulted. You'd have been U not to have reported it.
I'm sure your DCs agree with what you did. They're not children and know you did not manipulate them, whatever their father says.

You did the right thing Flowers

SmellsLikeMiddleAgeSpirit · 02/10/2015 16:24

Sorry, this isn't AIBU! But you know what I mean!

laughingatweather · 02/10/2015 16:30

I thought this was going to be one of those 'I phoned the Police because someone has been sat in a car outside my house for hours ' threads!.

You did the right thing. You're not the bad guy. In fact, it sounds like you handled it in a really measured manner.

She can't claim your DS assaulted her when she's in court unless she has previously reported it to the Police. That's where the 'if you do not say something you later rely on in Court' part of a Police arrest comes from.

Your kids will possibly/likely called to give evidence but they are told that at the point of making a formal statement. Did your 16 year old have an appropriate adult present?. This should all have been explained at the time.

And I understand them just wanting to forget the whole thing but making a formal statement means you are agreeing to attend court if required. The Police make this clear at the time.

And I don't mean to sound harsh because you did the right thing - but if you report a potential crime to the Police, it is with the knowledge that this will affect the perpetrator but also any witnesses/other people involved.

Again, you did the right thing but the next few months will be stressful for everyone involved.

It sounds trite but having gone through a similar but more criminally serious situation and not wanting the stress of it, going to court etc. Someone told me 'of course you feel like that, justice is painful. It can't be anything else'.

Good luck.

glenthebattleostrich · 02/10/2015 16:37

Can you sell it as it could help the ex-girlfriend get help she needs? I wonder if it would be possible to get someone from Victim Support or a similar organisation to talk to the kids?

You obviously did the right thing calling the police and pressing charges.

sianihedgehog · 03/10/2015 09:24

Christ, it'd be unreasonable to NOT call police!!
Would it make the kids feel better if you framed their testifying as something they are doing to protect other kids from the GF in future? I can totally understand them wanting to just move on, but it's good that charges were pressed for that reason. GF could end up working with children otherwise...

knittingbee · 03/10/2015 16:16

What would you be teaching your children if you didn't press ahead? That it's best to sweep assault under the carpet? You're right to go ahead. I have a DS and a DD too, I'd want them to see that you don't have to accept assault - that if DS was punched in the pub, he should press charges. That if DD was sexually assaulted, the police would take her seriously.

TillITookAnArrowToTheKnee · 03/10/2015 16:16

You definitely did the right thing.

My own mother attacked me in a very similar manner when I was 19, and nobody did anything Sad As an adult it now makes me quite angry that no other adult did anything to defend me, and they all told me I was not to call the police (I'd fled the house aged 16 because I'd had enough of her drunken vicious temper)

You have definitely done the right thing. You have protected and defended your DCs. Flowers

ILiveAtTheBeach · 03/10/2015 16:28

Thanks for all the positive messages. I have taken them all on board! Smile

OP posts:
ffffffedup · 03/10/2015 17:52

Of course you did the right thing people can't go around doing things like that and not accept the consequences. I'm sure if it were the other way around and your DH had done the same thing your ex would be the same

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 03/10/2015 18:34

You are most definately not the bad guy. I can't believe you've had people IRL, are saying you were unreasonable to report this abusive idiot. Throwing glass at someone, not only could she have been very badly injured, she could have been killed, yes a terrifying thought, but it could have gone that way.
I see that she is on anti depressants, perhaps her medication is not suited to her.

WombOfOnesOwn · 05/10/2015 16:51

My mother used to do things this lousy GF did to your daughter, and it left me with a lifetime of sorting out anxiety disorders and PTSD. The whole time I was a kid/teen, all I wanted was someone, ANYONE, to call the police and make it stop. You did the right thing.

poppycomeshome · 05/10/2015 17:53

I would have done just the same. From my point of view you had no choice, you had no idea what was going to be waiting for you when you got to the house. It is a criminal offence. It was a dangerous situation and you needed to protect both of your children. How is your dd now? And your DS? Who must have been really frightened as well.

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