Breach of trust from 10 yr old - how to deal?

[TensionWheelsCoolHeels]

I've been trying to navigate parenting my 10 yr old DD through the quagmire of Internet use & have done all I can to restrict/monitor usage etc. we've had lots & lots of chats about safety, what's allowed/what isn't & at the same time allowing her some freedom to learn to be responsible & at her own pace. Trouble is, her younger, more tech-savvy friend (I think, not 100% certain but intend to check) has helped her change some settings & also shown her how to set up social media a/c.

Now we had a long chat about this very subject, I was very clear in my 'no' on that front & explained as best I could (age appropriate) why she wasn't allowed the same access/freedom her (younger!) friend has. DD wasn't happy but I didn't budge on my 'no' on that. She's gone ahead & set up her own a/c anyway & because she's not as clued up as her friend, she's started to get lots of notifications from this a/c, hence I now know! She's fully aware I monitor her usage & must have known id find out - but I suspect she's hoping for a shift in position from me. I'm more minded to ban her from Internet for a considerable period of time as this just goes beyond the pale for me - especially as I explained how she would need to build up trust/responsibility over time to get more freedom etc.

I'm wary of going too far with this, & causing a huge rift between us - DD feels very much 'left behind' because 'everyone else has YouTube/Instagram/whatsapp' etc. I've resisted my instant response - total ban indefinitely - and want to weigh up the best approach to this without pushing DD into just trying to do everything behind my back anyway & erasing any trust that we might be able to salvage. I want her to be able to come to me if/when things worry her or whatever. It's not heading that way at the moment!

Any tips/suggestions/ ideas?

We have a no electronics upstairs rule for our school age ones, that way it's relatively easy to monitor,they only ones with social media accounts are the older two who are old enough in accordance with the rules for FB etc.
I pretty much guarantee that not everyone has these types of accounts just like everyone hasn't got the latest bag or the best trainers!
How is she accessing the Internet?

We just follow the 'not age appropriate' line. DS1 got fb when we moved halfway round the World but I set it up and have passwords and default e-mail. He rarely uses it bar the occasional pm or comment on his mates accounts.

I have said a firm no to instagram etc etc. DD1 is 10 and there's no way she needs, or would be allowed, access to online shinnanigans. She still has her restricted kindle and is quite happy with it-thank goodness!

Most 30yr olds are too young truth be told I'd be password protecting the wi-fi and removing upstairs privileges. Is it a phone or i-pad she's playing on?

Would you consider showing her that 'nearly snatched' video that was doing the rounds recently to show her why you are concerned perhaps?

Thanks for the replies. She's accessing Internet via her phone - this situation came about way too soon for me due to DD's dad going ahead with giving DD a smart phone when I'd already said no. I limited access on everything, set parental locks/limits/ restrictions which I suspect have been 'figured out'. I certainly thought I was very careful not to let her see any passwords but I think she must have seen something. The main stumbling block was YouTube - she's managed to set up her own YouTube channel (her friend already has one) after I specifically said no way to that. I had restrictions on that (not that you can restrict it that much) but always had a look at what she was looking at & so far there wasn't anything that was a concern. She's now getting 'alerts' on inappropriate videos since she signed up to a YouTube channel. She's also realised how to pause browsing history & delete emails/texts - things I've told her she's not to do (so I can keep an eye on what she's doing).

I had the 'no electronics' rule too, but things have happened while DD at my mums (she's now doing my childcare) & DD has been sneaking the phone into her room at night & my mums not realised.

I think I'm going to start with a 'screen free' weekend, lots of talking & a ban on everything for a week or 2 until I can be sure I've made everything water right this time.

I'd be banning as well and phone given to her after a couple of weeks but only at a set time and down stairs. Also just because dad gave it her doesn't mean she has to have it at yours,I'd be explaining that you were trusting her to have it but as she's clearly to immature to be trusted with it then it stays away.

Can I ask what your biggest worry is?

My biggest worry is security, not just hers but mine too. Online bullying as well is a concern - she's nowhere near robust enough to handle any cruel/ hurtful comments from others on what she's doing on YouTube videos that she's posted up. She's described minor spats with friends over Xbox live invites/parties/game sharing (where she's being de-friended over the silliest things & getting upset about it - again this is something her dad introduced, it wouldn't have happened if I'd had a say which I didn't as this is at his house). I don't want her dealing with online fall outs until she's way older than she is now. She's just far too young to handle the sort of scrutiny posting videos on YouTube can attract & seeing as I've had no input/involvement in setting this up, I doubt very much she's taken appropriate steps to ensure her online safety.

I've tried talking her through the dangers of the Internet & why she needs to speak to me about what she's doing & we need to agree with where her boundaries are - she's done the very thing I was very clear in saying no to (and explained why) & I'm extremely disappointed that all the talking & promises from her have been empty. But ultimately I'm the one who has screwed up as I've not been as robust as I thought I was with her safety online & she'd never have gotten this far if I'd made it a lot harder for her to do this.

I'd say that you need to get on an look at her youtube account and set your email as default so that you can reset privacy settings if necessary and look at her account as and when you want to.

showed my lot this Especially appropriate given the age of the girls. It is hard to seemingly be that one parent who says no but they have to understand.

I am all over DS1 even at his age and know exactly where you're coming from as regards spitefulness whilst playing live online (like youngsters need another way to be mean to each other ). Did you know that you can password protect your router so that she can't get immediate access AND ring the phone company and have them parentally restrict her phone wi-fi too?

Good luck!