Lost my way with my daughter

[feffer78]

I'm a single parent and have always had a close relationship with my daughter. She is turning 13 soon and over the past year or so we have been struggling. She found the transition to secondary school very tough and has been distant, emotional and unhappy. She thought she was depressed but the gp said that it was probably just the secondary school thing but to bring her back if it was still the same during summer. She was a bit brighter over the holidays but now that school is back, I've lost her again. She says she is happy at school but at home she is irritable, lethargic, rude and withdrawn. She seems happier with friends and at her dad's which obviously makes me feel crap. We argue every day and I'm so worn out with it all. There was a couple of weeks in summer where I had my happy fun child back and I realised how much it had got to me. She doesn't want to go back to the doctors. I don't know how to break this cycle. I know that I'm making things worse but I just don't know what to do now. I see friends with their cheery polite friendly kids and I just feel like a failure. Any advice?

No advice, but I could have written your post word for word 6 months ago...things are bit better now, but I can't out my finger on why...apart from her friendships at school have improved. So I'm hoping that's what it was....we still have difficult days :(

What's her sleep like?
What time does she go to bed? Does she have a phone that she might be using too much for games or chat?
Is she bored?
What makes her happier at her dads? Is he more laid back? Are you quite strict?
Of course it could be an age thing.

This is normal. I have a DD, who is about to turn 17 in a few weeks. Her middle teens were just what you describe. Bolshy, know it all, very moany, tearful etc. I think it's what all girls go through tbh. Raging hormones. The constant comparing development to friends etc. I am re-married and she would talk terribly to my DH. Rows ensued. I was trapped in the middle. It was hard! But, it's all over now. She is a joy again. Hang on in there! She will re-appear once the hormones stabilise and she gains confidence. Try to have some girl time together (do things she wouldn't do with Dad). Girly movies/concerts etc. Also I'd let her have regular sleep overs at yours with her girlfriends. Get in Pizza, treats and good movies for them. Don't crash their evening, let them be teenagers. Create good times at yours.

I also thought it could be sleep related. 13 year-olds usually need a lot more sleep than they get, especially if they have a lot of screen-time before going to bed, which hinders sleep. They are often growing fast and their body-clocks are also transitioning to wanting to wake later in the day than younger children, and later than the traditional 9 o'clock start requires.

Please don't let this make you feel crap. You sound like a lovely Mum who cares about her daughter, and you sound tuned into how she's feeling, and as you said you've always had a strong relationship with her, she probably feels safe enough in your relationship to test boundaries. If you are the main carer she may well be happier at her dad's as it's a change of scenery and he perhaps doesn't do as much of the tough (Bad Cop) bits of parenting as you do. Please just continue to listen to her, don't force her back to the doctor but perhaps encourage an earlier bed and no phone/ipad in bed if you think it's a problem (I realise that will be a nightmare if she's not agreeable to it but no harm in trying). I'd agree with PP in the creating good times thing. Good luck

Pick your battles. Try to step back a bit and let a lot of her unpleasant behaviour just wash over you. It's not easy but then, hitting puberty ain't easy either. The little girl you once knew is rapidly disappearing, to be replaced by a person who isn't quite a child but isn't quite an adult either.
The behaviour that you list is so very normal for a girl of her age. She is branching out and is desperate for independence. It's quite normal for her to resent any 'interference' by adults in her life. Generally, at her age they think they know it all. The horrors of the teenage years are only just beginning.
Try to have some enjoyable times and let her feel that she is able to make some of the decisions in the household (where possible/applicable) so she feels she is being treated as a young adult. She wil come out of this phase but you could be in for a long, rocky road yet.
Good luck!