Struggling with being a parent

[Deadsouls]

Hi, I hope I'll be able to post on here and not be judged for feeling the way I do. I'll preface this by saying I have a difficult 3 years for various reasons, mostly emotional. And have just come out of a period of depression.
I cannot seem to enjoy parenting or being a mother. That seems as though I have an expectation that I should enjoy it or that it should be enjoyable, and it's not so much that, but more that I can't seem to appreciate any aspect of it right now. And if I look back, I've found parenting from the beginning to be a struggle and quite stressful; being the sort of person with the tendency to feel stressed.
I have a DD of 5 and a DS of 8. I don't seem to have or can't find the energy to do things like I used to; going to the park, just spending time with them. Everything feels difficult. I look at the state of the house; (all the normal chores) and I feel overwhelmed, I look at the their homework and I feel overwhelmed, I think of the constant responsibility, and I feel overwhelmed because it doesn't end. I'm also trying to study and training in something fairly demanding and that was making me feel anxious. Just now, I was trying to make dinner and got overcome by a tiredness. I can't describe it exactly.
My DH and I split up about 3 years ago. He moved out a year ago, but he's very hands on amd supportive. We might get back together possibly. I've had a very difficult and anxiety provoking situation going on whereby I've been bullied and threatened by someone (another story), who owes me money. All in all its been difficult and I'm wondering if these combined events have sucked the energy out of me.
I have in my more desparing moments thought that I should not have had children, that I'm not a good mother anyway, that I just can't give them what they need and so on. I feel terrible for even articulating that.
It's just that at this time, everything seems to be this huge effort and I can't seem to enjoy or find the joy in any parts of parenting. My Ds has also had a tough year emotionally and was acting out at school and we've been supporting him. But I feel wholly inadequate as a parent. I really do. I think k should be enjoying some of this!
Forgive me if I sound utterly selfish. I really hope this phase passes and that I'll find it easier in time.
I should mention that I'm on anti-depressants right now too.
Thank you to anyone who's read this

Did not want to read and run but can offer you nothing but hope it gets better because it will

Hi Deadsouls

I'm not the best person to respond to this as I haven't had children (yet - TTC). However, I can imagine how overwhelming life can be sometimes, especially considering everything you've been going through.
Some thoughts:

• Can you postpone your studies? Just for the time being until you feel more positive about things? If there is a way you can do that without missing out financially or otherwise, I would consider doing this to give yourself a bit of breathing space.
• You mention that you might get back with your DH. Obviously this is a huge area to explore in terms of your relationship, but are you adding to your pressures by expecting to restart things? Is this something that you can start to work out, i.e. where you stand, is he serious about getting back together, or are your expectations (being honest) greater than his? If it's something you can stop thinking about, even if it's just for now, then this will be one less thing to keep you awake.
• Do you have anyone who can help out occasionally with the children? Family, friends? Again, just to give you some breathing space.
• Try to be gentle on yourself. I think everyone goes through times when they feel they are not good enough (to do with lots of things). You are good enough, and things will eventually get easier. Allow yourself "off days" and try to stop berating yourself. You're doing the best you possibly can, and no one can ask anymore of you.
• If you are on anti-depressants, depending on how you feel, it might be good to enquire about counselling? Something to have a think about perhaps.

Good luck, and hope this helps.

Oh sweetheart :( hugs

I can see exactly where you're coming from. I have a DS aged 2 1/2 and I've been going through the same feelings and emotions as you.
You've done what I have done and put yourself into a negative cycle and there are walls up around you everywhere you turn. It's a very dark place and exhaustion just adds to it. It seems like there's one thing after another just going wrong and you're powerless to stop it.
I'm currently 32w pregnant and suffering with sciatica and SPD so I feel trapped in a house with a toddler that has behavioural issues. And sometimes I look into his eyes and feel plagued by guilt for him and that I've let him down as a mother and failed him. Other times I just feel like giving up and leaving. But in the grand scheme of things, where would that leave him? Where would it leave your children? Would they really benefit from you going? From you torturing yourself?

You've got too much going on atm and you're overwhelmed by it all. You need to focus on what you want to get in order first and work it out from there. Is there any family/friends you can ask to help? Maybe if they could help with any chores you have that'll be one thing crossed off the list and you'll be able to relax more?

I wish I could offer a magic solution but I'm still searching for one myself. Please feel free to message me if you want and need anyone to offload too?