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Original poster

Party Animal

24 replies

bootsmonkey · 12/05/2004 12:58

OK - this is something that has been preying on my mind for a while now and I just wondered what other people think.

I have a friend (from pre-children days) who is always having a little go because I no longer drink the night away with her. DH, DD and I will go over for BBQ's during the day and he will have beer or 3, but I always drive as otherwise v. diff to get to, and we leave in time to get DD to bed. She has 3 kids and has always taken them out with her to parties as she does not think having kids should change her lifestyle. That is fair enough - her life, her choice - but I don't see why I am the anal, uptight one because I don't share her POV.

We still go out for girls nights out and generally have a good time, but I never really let rip as I cannot do with the hangovers these days. I rarely get proper drunk anymore - only when away from home for the night (RARE)

Two things stick in my memory - her 18mth old daughter tugging at her arm in the early hours when she was passed out on the sofa at a party, with 6 week old son in car seat next to her and telling her 4 year old son that he couldn't go to bed at 11.30pm because it was a PARTY. When I had my DD I decided that this wasn't the way I wanted things to be for me.

Is it just me or am I a boring old fart these days?? I still like a drink or two and don't have any major probs with having a drink in front of DD, but feel my priorities have changed.

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Nutcracker · 12/05/2004 13:09

No you are not a boring old fart. I am exactly like you. I will only go to parties if i know we can arrive and leave when we choose, and we always leave at a reasonable hour to put kids to bed.
If the kids aren't with us then i might get slightly tipsy but not completely p**d.
Whoe see's to her kids when she has a hangover ???

Nutcracker · 12/05/2004 13:09

Just out of interest, how old are you ??

NomDePlume · 12/05/2004 13:13

Balls, I replied to this and then my pc disconnected so lost my words of wisdom

Basically it was along these lines...

It sounds like your friend is the one with the issues here. The para about her passing out drunk with her 3 very young children at her heels makes me very sad and angry too, TBH.

It sounds to me like she could do with taking a leaf or two out of your book. You are most definitely NOT a boring fart, merely a responsible adult and parent.

(WSM with new moniker)

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Original poster

bootsmonkey · 12/05/2004 13:27

Phew - those were the kind of answers I was looking for!

I am 36 this year and feeling every minute.

As to who looks after the kids - she does. Her & her husband go for it every weekend and are ALWAYS both seriously hung over whenever we see them. It makes me sad too, and sometimes I just want to walk away from the friendship. DH & I recently had a night away (the first?) with them and another couple that required huge logistical organisation on our part for babysitter for DD including a 180mile round trip and the night was a complete disaster as they were all a*holed by the time we arrived and it went downhill from then! I was really mad at her for ruining our one night off.

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NomDePlume · 12/05/2004 13:35

It sounds harsh but I think I'd be distancing myself from this friendship a bit. You seem to get little or no enjoyment from it and it sounds like it just stresses you out.

FWIW, I don't think this is an age issue. It's about responsibility and taking your role of parent seriously. I am 22 and wouldn't dream of behaving like this.

essbee · 12/05/2004 13:39

Message withdrawn

CountessDracula · 12/05/2004 13:44

Well bootsmonkey I agree with everyone else. It is so unfair on the children to be continually hung over at weekends - I know when I (rarely) have a hangover I find it very hard work looking after dd! Quite apart from anything else, do they not feel they are missing out on quality time with their kids? Maybe it's because I work, but IMO I only get 2 days a week with dd and I would hate to ruin those with a hangover.

Sounds to me like you are growing apart from these friends.

soyabean · 12/05/2004 13:47

I agree with the others. What woudl she do if one of the children was sick or had an accident? I find it hard to relax 100% since having childrne because there is always that possibility in the back of my mind. Not saying that's good, probably OTT and I know I am a control freak so its all about that too, but really you sound like you have the balance about right. Drinking around children, fine, but passing out surely not.

Original poster

bootsmonkey · 12/05/2004 13:54

Its difficult as it we are all part of a group who have been friends for about 18 years and I get on well with her husband as does my DH.

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Original poster

bootsmonkey · 12/05/2004 13:58

soyabean - her youngest son cut his hand badly at an open air concert and she didn't take him to have it seen till the following day. She says that this was because there was no one around to take him to, but I figured that she had had a few beers and couldn't be bothered

If I had actually said this she would have gone mad at me, about how she loves her kids and would do anything for them...

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CountessDracula · 12/05/2004 13:58

Except control her drinking presumably

soyabean · 12/05/2004 14:02

Bootsmonkey this must be really hard for you. She is the one that has had a go at you though; you arent doing anything wrong. Do you think she ever feels guilty or worried that her drinking is out of hand? Could she in fact be envious that you are more composed and in control of things? As nomdeplume says, its not an age issue. More to do with priorities I would say. (not suggesting she doesnt love her kids, obviously)

Helsbels · 12/05/2004 14:04

I think that you are perhaps being generous in your comment about her life her decision - when you have children, you have to make certain sacrifices and behaving in a responsible manner is one of them, I am 35 too, I spent most of the 90's out of my face but it can't go on forever. I like a drink now and then, like you say a couple of glasses of wine or whatever but not to get drunk. Alcohol is the most destructive force that you can introduce to a family, think of the example she is setting to her children by passing out in front of them. I know it is a long standing relationship but I think ndp is right inthinking that you need to assess the situation very carefully. Good luck - this is a real toughie {{}}

Original poster

bootsmonkey · 12/05/2004 14:15

Well put, Helsbels, her daughter is now 8 and I wonder how they are going to cope with an emerging adolescent given the example they are setting her. But then again that is their problem, not mine I guess.

SB - I think that deep down she is actually quite unhappy.

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CountessDracula · 12/05/2004 14:17

Yes well said Helsbels. I too have very hazy recollections of the 90s (and most of the 80's if I'm honest). I was a very bad girl. DH was a bad bad boy too.

We have had to sort it out though. You can't be so drunk you're unconscious around your kids.

essbee · 12/05/2004 14:17

Message withdrawn

soyabean · 12/05/2004 14:29

Agree with helsbels and CD. And Im sure you are right that somewhere deep down she is unhappy. Surely she cant wake up with a hangover and kids needing attention and think 'never mind, its all worth it, I had such a great evening' When you're young free and single, yes.

Helsbels · 12/05/2004 14:35

wow! never been so right before!! IME, I drank because I was unhappy - perhaps she is too, perhaps children are too much for her - there's lots of possibilities but perhaps she should have realised before she had 3?

Original poster

bootsmonkey · 12/05/2004 14:40

I don't think it can be worth it either, which is why I wonder why she does it, especially when on her own - I can understand getting plastered with friends, but not solo with your kids upstairs??

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Original poster

bootsmonkey · 12/05/2004 14:46

If we all agree that she is unhappy, what do I do next?? Ditching her wouldn't really help, but nor would interfering?

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Helsbels · 12/05/2004 15:00

It would be my guess that she is probably not as aware of the problem as you are or at lease that she is not willing to acknowledge it. My best mate turned round to me one day and told me straight (when I was sober) that she was embarrassed by some of my behaviour and that she couldn't see our relationship lasting unless I did something about my drinking. That was a slap in the face and woke me up big time. Perhaps your friend needs a 'slap' too - don't beat yourself up though, some people you just can't help. You know her better than we do - would she be more moved by thinking of the effect that alcohol has on children, the scary statistics on violence linked to excessive drinking, the long term health effects that could leave her children without a mum? It all depends on her intake - if she just gets pissed at parties - it's bad but it's not the end of the world, if she's drinking excessively at home then she needs help and so do her kids - you've just got to ask yourself if you're the one to do it. Beware though, it will be a tough path and there's no going back once you've started.

Original poster

bootsmonkey · 12/05/2004 15:15

Is it my place to do so??

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Helsbels · 12/05/2004 15:18

only you can answer that question - it depends how close you are, how much you want to save your friendship and whether you are strong enough to do it.

Original poster

bootsmonkey · 12/05/2004 15:23

Mmmm - need to think this one through. Good to get it off my chest tho' - thanks everyone!

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