DS homework such a battle - addicted to smart phone games - desperate for help!! (LONG)

[CarrieLouise25]

We bought DS a phone for secondary school. A Samsung Galaxy S3 Mini, which we thought would be cool enough, but no where near broke the bank at £50 like the iPhone would (that some of his mates have!)

It was for a point of contact during the day/after school, and for games/apps on weekend/free time etc.

At the beginning it was all exciting for him, and he loved playing the games on there. It wasn't an issue at all though, didn't interfere with normal life.

There is a game called Invasion which he downloaded, and he is now constantly on there. It's been going on for months and months now. His phone is with him all the time.

It is stopping him doing his homework. I honestly don't know how he got through his first year. It was a battle every day, and it's exhausting.

We have done everything possible to try and help him. We tried a system where he did his homework as soon as he got home, but he just spent hours doing a couple of subjects. He said it was because all he could think about was his game. So we then changed the plan and said he could have an hour break when he gets in, and then does his homework. Problem is, he takes ages to get started. I have to keep asking and asking and cajoling until he starts. Then when he does start, he'll take all evening to get even one subject done.

We've taken the phone off him, so he can't be distracted, but he still takes hours over everything. When I check on him, he says he can't access the link the teacher gave him, or word isn't working properly, or something else.

He just can't wait to get back on his game (yet doesn't seem to want to do the homework out the way faster??). We keep saying, that the quicker he gets his homework done, the more free time he will have, but it makes no difference.

In his defence, he does get a lot of homework. He gets 3 subjects every day, and they are a minimum of 45 minutes each. He has always hated homework, and never easily got on with it without a big battle.

There does seem to be a lot of homework set on the laptop and internet research (and I'm going to assume he plays games and gets distracted on there). Even when we take the laptop away (if homework is not on there) and phone etc, he still takes forever. I can't always watch him as I'm either working, dealing with DD, cooking dinner etc

So I have 2 problems. I don't know how to make him do his homework. I've tried everything I can think of. By the weekend, he has built up a good 6 homework's that he didn't finish during the week. He will drag out the entire weekend on his games, and then start homework Sunday evening. We said this is not acceptable, so have taken his phone away and he starts homework afternoon time. BUT he still takes about 6-7 hours, and when I ask him if he's done all 6 - he's generally finished 2 maybe 3 if lucky. It also stops us going out, or planning to, if he's got too much homework.

And the major problem is the phone. He doesn't shower (unless forced), when we go out, he asks if there's WIFI, the phone is with him through dinner etc. When I try to get the phone from him, he keeps me standing there whilst he just does 'a bit more'.

Couple of ideas I have is: Turning off WIFI at a set time everyday, he can do homework club at school (which he will hate), any laptop work must be done in the family room so we can see him.

I'm reluctant to take the phone away permanently. Or to stop him gaming. I grew up with really shitty strict abusive parents, silent treatment, punishments, hitting, shouting, and I have gone the opposite with my DC's, to the point I am probably too soft with them. I don't want to be a tyrant, I want to help, understand, listen, and find solutions so that we're all happy.

I love DS so much, and I want to help him, but I just don't know how. Do I go and see his teacher? Will he see that as me telling on him?

I know he has a serious addiction, and I haven't a clue how to tackle it. He had a detention yesterday for not handing in homework, and he's dodged a couple of bullets in other subjects this week as teacher's said 'first strike'. But school has only been back 3 weeks! His exam results were not good last year, and his report - all teachers saying 'lovely polite boy, but didn't revise enough and let himself down on exams'.

SO sorry for the long post. Any advice most welcome (but please go easy on me - I'm pregnant and my hormones are already causing havoc and I've spent all afternoon crying about it)...

Thanks for getting this far x

I would delete the game.

I have become addicted to an internet game on my phone. I was on it all the time. I spent a lot of real money on it. It was interfering with my friendships, my relationship and my work. I was even waking up in the night to log on to the game. I would spend hours and hours on it.

My partner took my phone and reset the game losing all my progress. I was FURIOUS and thought I might leave him over it. Then after a day or so I realised I was being somewhat ridiculous and that he had done me a favour as the game had literally begun to take over my life. These games are designed to be addictive so that you have to spend more and more time on them and check them more and more - it's part of the design to make them so but it means it can be hard to moderate your use.

I still have a bit of a tendency to get over-invested in smartphone games now but luckily now I can recognise when it's getting addictive and I delete them myself.

MyNewBearTotoro - yay, thank you for your post! I needed someone to come along who has actually been through it

The only thing that stopped my game getting worse, was that the game reset (there were issues with the game and lots of people started complaining about lost progress) but it was actually the best thing for me, as I then realised how much time I was actually 'investing' in it. I have one of those addictive personalities I guess, and my DS definitely does.

It worries me, if it's not this game, it'll be another.

Your DP was very brave! Thanks for sharing, and your advice x

With my dd, the reading addict, I started by talking to her about it. One night after school we went to the park with a group of people and she just read on her own the whole time.

All the other dc were together and having a great time. So was dd of course. In a different way. The other mothers were saying to me how lovely it was and I was thinking 'no, it really isn't. She is missing out on this lovely time with her friends'.

Dd is not quiet or indoor-sy as a rule. She's quite sporty and outgoing.

Anyway, I talked to her and told her I felt she was isolating herself and missing out on other things because she was always reading. I told her I didn't want her disappearing upstairs the second we got home or spending every moment in her room at weekends. She wrote a little list of other things she enjoyed doing. Painting, going on her bike, etc and she started doing some of these things too.

I stopped her reading in the car on the way to school and she joined in with conversations then.

I noticed she read for a couple of hours yesterday but downstairs on the sofa. She also went to the park with her sister and played pictionary with us. She wouldn't have done that before. She wouldn't have noticed those things were going on.

SavoyCabbage - thank you so much for sharing. Talking things through is great, and I am going to do the same and help DS find other interests/existing interests he has forgotten about. I'd really like to help him manage his time, and work out when things become unhealthy. I feel if he went without completely - I wouldn't be teaching him anything.

Glad the normal balance has been restored with your DD x

Bloody Hell, 2 hrs 15 minutes a day of homework!? For a year 8?!
Since he has always hated homework & always been difficult about it, why did you go for this school?

He doesn't have time for other interests, does he, no wonder he likes the game on the phone as a way to unwind.

Even the best private schools around here don't aim for > 1 hr/day for their yr8s.

We turn off the WiFi at 10pm, btw, for everyone's sake.

lljkk - I am definitely with you on this one, as I get why his down time is so important, and frankly after a 12 hour day myself, I get involved in internet/playing games etc as my down time.

I think it's too much personally, but thought it was normal?! I had no idea how much homework was set when we applied for the school, there's no mention of any homework schedules at all. Only when you start in Year 7 do you get a timetable of homework.

I thought all secondary schools were like this

He is also supposed to be developing other interests (according to the school), but I feel I can't let him do extra clubs etc as he'll have even more pressure on the homework side. I've asked him, and he just wants down time on his games, not on extra curricular activities. By the time he gets home, including snacks, and dinner plus his homework, it's quite a boring evening for him, I feel sorry for the amount he has to do.

When I say always hated homework, his primary school gave him practically nothing for the entire time until the last few weeks of year 6, and I couldn't get him to sit down and do it without a battle, he tells me how he hated it then (and that was easy stuff!)

There was an opportunity when going to the school we applied for, to ask questions to the Year Head, so I said I was worried about homework in secondary school compared to primary, and that his primary school hadn't given any homework hardly at all. I asked what it was like, and how he'd cope, and he said he'd be fine, and not to worry and all the children get used to it.

Yep, WIFI goes off 10pm now.

How much homework is everyone else's children getting, can I ask? x

Honestly it sounds to me like the homework is a major problem on is own. 2 hours is realistically the majority of his post school hours...how can he possibly do that and relax? The gaming is probably a reaction partly to stress.

He is at school all day...when can he do anything other than homework...and it sounds like it's ruining family life.

Can you talk to the school and say you don't want him doing more than an hour a night?

Is it possible he is being incredibly inefficient?

So much homework, how can that be a good thing?

One of the reasons I took our youngest out of his school was too much totally irrelevant homework. Now at another school yr 8, much less, hardly any homework. So yes he has loads of time to play online!! But he enjoys his lessons, wants to do well... And is hopefully developing some interests and maybe even some passions.

waterrat - I agree with this too. Without the phone issues, I think the homework is issue enough. I said to him today that I can see why he goes on his games, as it's his down time away from school and homework.

It's definitely ruining family life. I don't know what I can say to the school without sounding precious.

Basically our letter stated (at the beginning) homework is set regularly and is as follows... then it shows a list of homeworks that will be set daily and how long they should be for. In year 7 it was at least 30 minutes per homework minimum of 2-3 subjects per day, now it's at least 45 minutes, and it's 3 per day without fail in addition to extra longer projects. If he completes homework early, he is supposed to top up with revision.

Some of them are 40 minutes ish, but some are definitely longer. The other day he had to put together a power point presentation, which annoyed me no end because 1. How is he supposed to know power point 2. How did they know we had it as software - I have the Office package through work, so I put it on his laptop. Lastly, it took WAY longer than 40 minutes.

There is definitely an issue with being inefficient, and I am helping however I can (without taking over or doing it) and I sit down and help him organise his time. The other night a homework that should have taken 45 mins, took 2 hours. So sometimes it's been down to being too tired/getting distracted/homework too difficult not wanting to get started.

Made some in roads over the weekend, and I've been setting timers for him, encouraging, taking away the distractions, rewarding when done etc. So far so good, but we've not been out this weekend. He had a school evening this week which took 3 hours out of the evening and he got really behind with homework, and he had tonnes to do. Personally because he HAD to attend the school thing, I think they should have missed homework for that day.

I am getting the impression from the posts on here that this is not normal??

The only other school around here is beyond shit and the reputation is appalling, we've been around it, know kids pulled out of it due to bullying/other issues, and ofsted was shocking. He is in an amazing school, but I can't help feeling the homework is too much...

I went to a very academic boarding school where 2 hours of prep was fairly standard, it's also quite normal at ds's school (he's also y8) which is an academically selective private school. It really does depend on the ethos of the school though.

I think you should forget the whole idea of sounding precious and just go in and be very clear..that is a ludicrous amount of homework...45 mins x 3 on its own would be ridiculous each night even if it didn't take longer

Imagine coming home from work and having to do that as extra work . Every single night? !

No wonder he is unhappy.

I have experience with addictions and I thin they are often linked to a desire to escape. What kind of life can he have if it's nothing but school work? And that's all you talk about with him?

If he has been sitting down all day he should be out after school.

What if you did a deal with him that you qill tackle the school and tell them he is not going to do more than an hour each night if he tackles the game addiction.

It actually makes me really sad that kids are being crushed like this by our crazy education system

Ds is very inefficient & can easily turn a 20 minute HW task into 2 hours (sigh).
Luckily he only gets about 3 x 20 minute homework items a week.
If you're really stuck with this school then it sounds like a rigid schedule might be the only way to go, which would be about helping him to manage his time as much as anything.

if he spent 3 hrs the other night on homework, then he's not overdoing the phone games that much is he?

Boarding school pupils do far more sport in the day than an average day pupil at a state school so is not a good comparison in terms if homework hours

I have experience of yr 8:

• good state school, project based with extra maths but no more than half an hour a night
• non selective old fashioned private, stacks loads ( we all hated it)
• alternative private school with an anti homework ethos ( boys happier, more enthusiastic, doing better)

Andro - good to hear that 2 hours isn't too unusual!

waterrat - yes, I totally get where he's coming from, hence my lenience in letting him have whatever down time he needs, and often staying up late (really bad I know). I work regularly in the evening, and I wouldn't call it fun.

I've never really loved our education system, but that's another thread

Namehanger - I like the sound of the anti-homework ethos!!

Rigid schedule sounds like the best option, helping him get everything done in time, so he can have down time too. I just want his weekends free, so he can properly relax/do other things apart from school work.

The only good thing is they never give homework during school holidays. He loves the holidays...as we all do...

Help him find some new and more constructive/productive hobbies as well. It's no wonder he's so reluctant to give up the phone, or thinks only about this game, if he doesn't have other hobbies and activities going on.

It sounds like he enjoys the part of the game mechanics where by working toward a goal, you achieve the goal and are then given another clear, easily definable goal attainable by spending time on it. That's what's so compelling to many kids (and grownups) about these games: in the real world, both goals and consequences are often so much more fuzzy.

So I would suggest a hobby like gardeninghis choice of plants, and he can start with "beginner" plants and eventually "level up" to intermediate and advanced onesor rock tumbling. A hobby where he can actually create something and gradually "move upward" is one he might be able to focus on. It seems he's very able to focus singlemindedly when the focus is on something that is giving him rewards in an easily understandable way and gives him clear, directed goals.