Daddy as a Punishment: Help me fix this!

[LetThereBeCupcakes]

DH and I have a 2.9YO DS. He is going through typical toddler behaviour at the moment (tantrums, defiance, but nothing I'd call out of the ordinary). My issue is how DH is dealing with it.

DH works full time, I work part time. Most child care falls to me and as a result, DS naturally gravitates towards me. Over the past few weeks, when DS has been playing up for me DH has come in and said "if you don't do X for Mummy, I will take over...". The first few times I let it slide. After a while I said to DH (later on) that I didn't think this was a good idea, didn't like the idea of Daddy being a "punishment".

DH has carried on doing it though, and TBH I've let it happen. Sometimes it immediately makes DS get dressed / brush his teeth, whatever. If he doesn't, DH takes over, DS has a full on tantrum (much screaming of "MUMMY!!!" over and over). DH finishes the job and gives him back to me to calm him down.

This morning when DH came in as I was trying to dress DS, he again threatened that I would leave if DS didn't behave. I don't usually like to contradict DH in front of DS but this time I said no, it wasn't happening, and eventually managed to get him dressed.

My problem is, I think we're trapped in this cycle. DS NEVER wants to be with his dad, for anything. He sees Daddy as a punishment and I don't like it. It's not good for their relationship and it also means I never get a break as DS wants to be with me all the time. Any ideas how we break this cycle?

Just agree together what your boundaries are, and what the consequences are for ds for the behaviour you don't want at that time.

No arguing or disagreeing in front of DS, he needs to see a United front and know he has to behave the same for both of you. Consistency is key.

2.9 is still quite tiny, but praising good behaviour at this stage will work well. I'm not saying ignore the 'bad' behaviour, but it's often more frustration or tiredness, than truly choosing to be bad at such a young age. And old enough to learn consequences- good and bad.

So, eg, get pjs on and teeth done and we have cuddles and stories.

What you really don't want is to slip back to an age of 'wait till your father comes home...' As if you're unable to handle it. Undermines you, and may eventually teach ds to not respect you.

Dh needs to be on board with this though and see the positives of ds learning by good example and happiness.

Reward chart? Just thinking if you have issues with the same things every day, reward charts can work. So if DS always refuses to get dressed in the morning, 5 stars at the end of the week means football in the park with daddy, or feeding the Ducks, or whatever would work well for ds. And let ds have ownership of the sticker and putting it in the right place

Thanks Daisy. My OP wasn't very clear - we're making progress with the specific behaviours (sticker chart as you say) - my issue is that DH has used himself as a punishment and it's now reached the point were DS only sees Daddy as a "bad" thing. I've spoken to DH again today and he's agreed not to do it again but I think their relationship is already rocky as a result - DS wants nothing to do with Daddy any more.

Oh I see. Could you maybe start special time with daddy when he gets home? Even just 10 mins of a story or fave tv programme if he watches TV? Make sure you're involved too at first? Or new colouring / sticker book he does with daddy?

Then a fun activity at the weekend, soft play / swimming whatever he enjoys? (But making sure you don't become 'bad cop' in process )

I love the idea of "special time" when Daddy gets home. Will need to dive Daddy a metaphorical kick up the bum to get him to do anything other than slob on the sofa with his phone but I think that would work.

Unfortunately DH is self employed and often works weekends. Will have to try and work something regular into his diary though.