Buying Alcohol for 16 yo DD

[BaconAndAvocado]

(Asking this for a friend)

Friend's daughter drinks alcohol occasionally when she's out and is claiming that all her friends parents are buying alcohol for them to take out every weekend.

My friend feels uneasy about it and has refused to buy her anymore. Her daughter is obviously upset about this and making my friend feel guilty!

She'd be interested to have any perspectives.

This reminds me of a conversation I had with DB many moons ago. DN was going to have her 16th Birthday party in their garden. He phoned me for advice as he had heard some of the guests were planning to bring alcohol. I put on my serious parent/teacher head on and was very supportive offering constructive advice. I then burst out laughing as he was the person who made the local publican when my DF took him for a pint on his 18th. DB had been drinking there for the previous two years.

I took plenty of drugs too as a teenager and always enjoyed it!

I did provide a small quantity to my underage kids. I hoped to prevent exchanging booze for sexual favours, and or the mixing and drinking of everone else's leftovers ( think beer wine and taquilla). Damned that I did, damned if I didn't :(

Thanks everyone for all your responses, opinions and advice.

I will print this off and give to my friend. Hopefully it will finally hasten her to join Mumsnet.

When the weather is nice and the long days they go to some nice parks. Have a bit of food and drink. Just like some adults do. They will go early in the evening and often stay until the drink is finished.
There's also camping.

Rotten weather. Shorter days they hang at each other's houses.
To not piss of parents they rotate houses. And follow whatever house rules.

Some will have parents who buy. Some older siblings or other relative. Fake id. Some look older so get served. Also think about your own social circles, teens are no different and hang around with different age groups who will be able to legally buy booze.

Yes I have in the past bought my teens booze. We have had conversations about staying safe and knowing limits. They have healthy relationships with drink and will often come in sober not had a drink at all. Sometimes a bit tipsy. Always come home (sometimes with a mate or so) and not once drunk.

Wether or not the ops mate buys drinks. The teen will still have access to it. It's just how much involvement she wants.

Dsd is 15 and her mum buys her alcohol to take to parties. Dsd basically told her mum that if she didn't buy Smirnoff Ice for her she'd end up asking an 18 year old to get her some vodka. So her mum decided she'd rather have some control over what dsd drank. We reluctantly accepted this and I instead focused on advising dsd on responsible drinking instead - ask her best friend to hold her drink when she goes to the loo, don't drink something she hasn't seen being poured, don't give her drink to someone to look after etc. Guess what? The police were called, the kids scattered in the direction of the local recreational ground and my dsd gave her bottle to someone else to put in their rucksack. She tracked them down later and reclaimed her drink. So basically she ignored all the advice, thus proving imo that she's not ready for all of this. We've raised our concerns with her mum who has said she'll reinforce the responsible drinking/ safety message next party she goes to...

As thevone person in my peer group who's parents wouldn't allow me to take any alcohol to friend's houses, I used to get it through other people, or steal tiny bits from each of the bottles in my parents cupboard. It made me sneaky and have a much worse attitude to alcohol than if I'd been given a couple of Bacardi breezers and allowed a little trust. I didn't have a very sensible relationship with alcohol when out in my late teens having never been allowed to drink in a sensible manner at home or friend's houses and I will be allowing my son to have a drink or two when he reaches that age so that he will hopefully have a much better relationship with alcohol than I did.

Back for good...

Posters are taking this view because of their experience, as young girls drinking under age. It is b dangerous and they are putting themselves in some situations that could be very serious.

That is why the legal limit is 18yrs and not 16yrs. FFS. If it was all so carefree and safe why make any age limit, lets let kids drinks whenever they like.

Not good.

Bad parenting.

LOOK AFTER your kids. End of.

I will allow my son to have a controlled amount of alcohol when the time comes. He's 15 now and has no desire to drink alcohol. But that maybe because he knows that I would be more than happy for him to have a glass of wine or bottle of bulmers with a meal or on a sat night in the house. There is no forbidden element to it.

I have seen far too many teens buy bottles of vodka behind their parents backs with awful results.

Age really doesn't come into it. It's like everything else, you educate your children.
There's not some magic switch that turns on the day they turn 18 and suddenly can legally purchase for themselves. If someone is going
To get into a dangerous situation doesn't matter if they are 18 or 80. Other influences can also affect how
You are on that particular occasion.

At 16 in the UK certain drinks with meals.
At home from 5.
That's a huge loophole in the law.
Even the 16/17 year old drinking thing makes no sense. On one hand it's illegal to drink on a licensed premises, yet the next sentence you can drink certain drinks if its with food.
.

ilove being the parent of the teenager who drank too much, won't go home, or call their parents, because they are blind drunk, and their parents have banned them from drinking is what I call bad parenting.
Few of the neighbours teens have had parties over summer. The ones whose parents had refused to let them bring either a suitable amount, or drink the suitable amounts provided by the hosts parents, were all necking vodka and cheap cider in stupid quantities round the corner pre party. And were the ones that later on in the evening would have been vulnerable if hosts parents hadn't been on hand. Seen it several times, and it was the same when I was a teen.

And sleepovers.
To avoid their parents seeing them hammered. But haven't made any
Concrete plans to stay at a mates
House. Just a ruse they give their parents. And you think you are going to talk to the mates parents?
At 16? Good luck with that one.

OK Ilovemybabygirls
However, others of us are taking the view that a measured, non-hysterical approach to gradually introducing their 16 and 17 yr olds to small amounts of alcohol, as and when they become interested, rather than thinking that banning it all until they they are 17 and 364days, then expecting their dc to be able to make sound judgements, is looking after our dc.

I don't think wrapping my dc in cotton wool and 'protecting them' from anything that might possibly have bad consequences is "good parenting". My feeling is I am doing a FAR better thing, by teaching my dc how to cope with things in life. That there are choices they will be faced with, every day, every week, every year, and that they are responsible for making those choices. I educate them about what I can. I assure them they are loved by us, come what may, but part of raising dc is letting them stand and fall by their own judgements sometimes - that's all part of raising them into young adults.

I would FAR rather they develop a healthy relationship with alcohol, when they are out with friends they (and often I) have known for years, whilst they are still living under our roof, and limited by not having a lot of money to spend, than start their first drinking nights away from home, with money in their pockets and me not knowing how reliable the people they are with, are.

Of course, as parents we all are only doing our best. We will never all agree on which way is best from the first newborn to adults dc, but I do resent the implication that anyone who takes a different angle from you is somehow not looking after their dc.

I have seen far too many teens buy bottles of vodka behind their parents backs with awful results.

^^ This.

A friend of mine had to be resuscitated 3 times when he was 10 years old because of this. Ok so there was a lot more background to it (his mum had just died giving birth to his baby brother) but still...

Back for good

Alot of teens have realised the extremely limited joys of alcohol, and are very well educated at school about the effects (unlike us who just had the drugs message on a loop) check out the statistics, young people drinking alcohol has dropped by 36%. Lots of students are now choosing digs that have zero alcohol agreements.
Why introduce alcohol at all?
What is the point? At some point they may or may NOT wish to drink, but surely not drinking would be most parents first choice if it was an option.
ASSUMING your teens will want to drink is wrong.
Assuming they will be just like our generation is giving them no credit for choosing their own lives and making their own decisions. So therefore your theory of introducing alcohol in moderation at home etc underage is basically encouraging them to drink from a young age, and the expectation that they will continue to do so, therefore not even giving them the option of thinking about it, and possibly saying no.

I was allowed to drink when I was young and wish so much my parents had NOT done so. I wish they had looked me actually. My friends in particular were really taken advantage of sexually when we were young. It is not to be encouraged. Three had their stomachs pumped at 15 and were all allowed to drink in moderation, the problem is many have no idea the meaning of moderation or have had a bad day and drink as self medication etc.

Surely if you want healthy teens you start with good education about the effects of alcohol, you supervise parties carefully, teach them how to deal with stress, and to care about themselves enough not to be railroaded into the the very unhealthy drinking culture that was such a feature in our youth, if they choose to do something more productive with their lives we at least give them the option by not making alcohol an inescapable necessity.

"I believe 16 year olds can legally buy wine or beer in a pub or restaurant if they are having a meal."

They can legally drink wine or beer with a meal, but they can't buy it until they are 18.

I think some of the people on here are being a little naive about what 16 year olds get up to these days. DD was invited to a party this weekend - a load of 15 and 16 year old girls were camping out. Alcohol was involved. DD didn't go because of this as she doesn't drink and doesn't want to drink.

Pictures and videos of their drunken exploits were posted on FB. They were drinking vodka and coke, so how did they get hold of the vodka?

OH and I have never forbidden DD to drink alcohol. It is completely her choice not to drink. She hates being put under pressure and made to feel odd because she doesn't drink.

My mum allowed alcohol at parties when I was 16. The rule was beer and wine only - no spirits, and I'm sure this is one of the reasons why I think I have a healthy relationship with alcohol. I enjoy a drink, but not to excess, and stay within the limits of the current alcohol consumption guidelines.

Back for good - "I don't think wrapping my dc in cotton wool and 'protecting them' from anything that might possibly have bad consequences is "good parenting". My feeling is I am doing a FAR better thing, by teaching my dc how to cope with things in life. That there are choices they will be faced with, every day, every week, every year, and that they are responsible for making those choices. I educate them about what I can. I assure them they are loved by us, come what may, but part of raising dc is letting them stand and fall by their own judgements sometimes - that's all part of raising them into young adults.

Hear, hear - totally agree- my parenting ethic too.

Florence, I think you missed the point.
The question was should a parent be supplying a child with alcohol?
I think you got carried away talking about choices etc, but giving a child alcohol is taking away choices. It is saying you WILL drink, so I will be the first to give it to you. It has nothing to do with creating resilience in a child which can be done in a number of ways that doesn't end with the child's stomach being pumped.
It is certainly not a matter of wrapping in cotton wool but of basic common sense. Being open, allowing your child to make mistakes and being on hand is part of normal every day parenting, giving your kid vodka is not.

The OP asked a specific question, the thread has widened out to more general ideas about teens and alcohol. It happens on a lot of threads.

I'm more in line with florence and backforgood in my outlook. I have a 16 yo dd. If we are having a drink at a family meal, we offer her some. DP and I are not big drinkers, so this happens less than once a month. I have never bought her alcohol to take elsewhere.

In terms of the OP, I'd say if the mum feels uneasy about buying booze for her dd, don't do it. That's a perfectly reasonable choice for a parent to make.

Ilovemybabygirls* - you seem to be twisting this round into posters such as myself forcing out dc to have alcohol.
I (and I presume others but can only talk for myself) are talking about 6th formers (so I'm not talking about 13, 14, or 15 yr olds), but 16 and 17 yr olds being invited to parties occasionally. Parties where some of the people will drink alcohol, and then, my dc have asked me if they can take something.

No force.
No 'removal of choice'.
No stomach pumping.
No vodka.
I don't know if you are just projecting from your own experience, but none of us are suggesting plying their children with copious amounts of alcohol. We are talking about allowing your 16 and 17 yr old dc to take 2 cans of lager or cider to a party perhaps once in two months.
ds is 19 now, and never been visibly worse for wear. More often than not, if offered a drink when we are out (or in for that matter) as a family, he'll prefer a glass of coke or lemonade to anything with alcohol in it. I believe he's really not bothered because he has grown up with the knowledge it's 'no big thing' and that we (as his parent) can 'take it or leave it' and when we do have a glass of wine or cider, we will normally only have the one glass. That's normality for him. Alcohol is no big deal.

Bunbaker I stand corrected. However I have not had to learn licensing laws for 32 years. I did have a weird one last summer. My mother, me and my children went to a local restaurant/bar for tapas. My DS1 was only allowed a half pint as he he hadn't any ID. This was despite his best mate serving the drink and his mother and grandmother with him.

back for good, I can not agree with you that alcohol is no big deal. I dont think you would be saying that if your dad/kid/mother was an alcoholic, that typically starts at this age or younger. Early exposure and condoning early drinking can be the start of an addiction that no one would wish on their kids. Liberal views is all when and good IF your kids are drinking sensibly but how do you really know? I dont think you need to drink 'copious' amounts for it to become a problem. It is more complex than that.