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Original poster

Feeling like a real sh**

22 replies

Paula71 · 11/05/2004 22:21

Okay this happened yesterday and made me feel so bad about myself I have to get it out in the open just to get rid of the memory!

It is a bit trivial and long but I need to vent...

Was visiting the mothership aka IKEA (Glasgow one this time)with DH and DS twins (aged 2 1/2.) We were walking around the room sets on the upper floor when DS twins decided they would run away. They usually don't do that so I was fairly relaxed they would stop so I did what works when they refuse to come to me - I said "bye bye" and slowly walked away backwards. Cheeky little b*ggers said "bye bye" back and stayed put. So I said to DH we should step in a room, just out their view but they were still in our view as I had heard that works too. It did.

But just as we were standing at the room entrance watching them start to run towards us this woman, her friend and their kids walked by. Ds twin2 started crying because he then really couldn't see us. The woman looked around, spotted us and said "Oh he is crying because you walked away and he couldn't see you." The way she said it was like, moron shouldn't be a mother.

And that is it basically. A throw away sentence and it has made me feel like the sh*iest mother all day yesterday and today. So there you are - this weeks crap mother award goes to me. I feel like poo.

OP posts:

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SoupDragon · 11/05/2004 22:29

You're not a crp mother, that other woman is a clueless twt!

mumbojumbo · 11/05/2004 22:31

{Hugs{}}. Don't feel bad (easier said than done, I know!). DS1 is 2 and a quarter and going through a similar phase of running away. It's so difficult keeping them (and yourself) under control so I know where you're coming from.

Sometimes the thoughtless comments of others really catch you and can be very hurtful. Now you've vented on Mumsnet you can move on. You're NOT a cr*p mother - you're human.

cuppy · 11/05/2004 22:32

Oh Paula...Im sure youre really not the crappiest mother of the week week... Id give the award to the woman I know who calls her kids every name under the sun ( but thats another story)

So what if he was crying because he couldnt see you? Tough, he shouldnt have walked away and he probably wont do it again. This woman only saw half of what happened, you saw all of it.

Pat yourself on the back for trying to teach your child to stay with you at all times - in a way that doesnt involve screaming 'get back 'ere you little sh**!

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fairyprincess · 11/05/2004 22:43

Hello Paula,

Why did she stand in the way then?? - people and their comments!!!! you're good mother as you feel bad about what happened - lots of best wishes

Angeliz · 11/05/2004 22:47

Paula, i did exactly the same thing in Costco(sp?) the other day, only more obvious, i crouched down behind a bookshelf so dd realised that losing me would not be fun!!!!!!!!(Got a 'look' from man passing by

Sod them!!!

Original poster

Paula71 · 11/05/2004 22:58

Thanks folks. Feel a bit better as I was wondering if you'd all say I shouldn't have done that. I have to be a bit strict as with ds twins I am scared that if one goes one way and the other the opposite direction then I could easily loose them.

Like you said mumbo, the reason I came on here was to get it out my system. I have been thinking about it too long - mulling it over and feeling rotten. Am getting too sensitive - or are people getting more aggressive?

OP posts:

Tommy · 11/05/2004 23:06

I tried to walk away from DS1 in Mothercare yesterday - he wanted to play with the bead thingys they have at the checkout. I got to the door but he didn't look like he was going to follow me at all! So I gave in and chased after him - God knows what the assistant thought of me

Angeliz · 11/05/2004 23:13

LOL Tommy, i hate it when it backfires

cab · 11/05/2004 23:26

Did it to my dd once in Debenhams - didn't realise there were escalators around the corner - you've never seen a mother run so fast!

frogs · 12/05/2004 09:55

ds (4) lost himself in Borders bookshop the other day. I thought he'd gone up the stairs with dd1 (8), she thought he'd gone in the lift with me and dd2 in the buggy.

When I got upstairs he was sobbing 'cos he thought he'd lost us -- he hadn't really, we were both nearby, but I was given a severe dressing down by a shop assistant for being a negligent mother. Felt like rubbish, too, just like you.

It was only afterwards that I thought, I'm a thirty-something mother of three with a PhD, and you're a twenty-something childless person with a crap job in a bookshop -- get stuffed.

katierocket · 12/05/2004 09:58

I hate things like this, it;s really prays on your mind doesn't it. try to forget it, she knows nothing and was being an interfering old bag.

SoupDragon · 12/05/2004 10:08

"I'm a thirty-something mother of three with a PhD, and you're a twenty-something childless person with a crap job in a bookshop -- get stuffed"

PMSL! I SO wish you'd said that to her

MeanBean · 12/05/2004 11:41

God people are extraordinarily officious, aren't they? I usually do the "Thank you for your concern" in an air-hostess voice when confronted with these situations, but I would have had to regress and say "Du-uh" in a teenage voice to someone who was so self-righteous and irritating. Forget it Paula - it's hard not to simmer, but you weren't in the wrong and this woman was because she didn't know all the facts.

Galaxy · 12/05/2004 13:22

message withdrawn

Helsbels · 12/05/2004 13:55

Have come to the conclusion that parenting is the most difficult thing anyone can do. It is stressful, and different for everyone. The woman in question may have been having a good day with her kids, I have those sometimes - I bet we all do - days where it is all worth it and you feel good about yourself - you could run into her again when she is having a crap day and is screaming at her child. Don't put yourself down - I threatened to smack ds's bottom this morning (2.8)and felt shitty for hours after even though he was being really naughty for no apparant reason - he wouldn't give me a kiss bye bye or even wave from dhs car when he went to nursery - all toddlers are stroppy little sods when they feel like it - the universe revolves aroumd them, remember, so cheer up - you can share your award with me and probably most other mums on this site

Original poster

Paula71 · 12/05/2004 21:22

Again, thank you to all for making me feel better. Galaxy, what a horrible woman that was, to leave her child like that!

Before now the walking-away-saying-bye lark has always worked, I take a few steps and they come barrelling after me.

I never said to DH how much a tiny little sentence had affected me incase he thought I was going mad. He doesn't even remember it! We had been having such a good day until then. The woman who made the comment, her dd was about 1 so now I think about it rationally she may end up in the same situation when her child is in the "TTs"!

OP posts:

hovely · 12/05/2004 22:10

hello all, can I hijack the thread for a request for advice please?
Dd is also just starting the 'running away' phase, which is driving me crazy as she generally chooses to do it when I'm trying to bf ds (eg in park, in cafe, etc). However she does so love being chased.
I'm tempted to play chasing with her in safe environments, but can I do it in a way that lets her learn it's ok sometimes? Or will I just confuse her & encourage her to run away all the time in the hope of playing a chasing game?

Jimjams · 12/05/2004 22:32

We had this problem with ds1 recently (5 but non-verbal autistic) He thought running away was a great game- especially straight into the road as that got an extra big response from me.

Anwyay he was doing it at school as well- so a number of strategies were put in place- first there were set areas where he was allowed to run- one little hall at school, and the corridor at home. Everywhere else he was told- as we were walking "nice walking A...." over and over again. This reinforced walking nicely. We couldn't let him get too far away as he would get himself lost (he has no idea we don't know where he is- his LSA tried that at school and lost him!) - but chasing him made it into a game- so basically we had to stop each run before it started. We used symbols as well "no running" and "walk" but you won't need to do that!

So in summary- if she runs try to grab her without chasing (as that makes it a game). Look out for the run when its about to happen- and stop it before it starts. Restrain if necessary. I still walk out to the car with ds2 in one arm (he's 2 now so heavy) and grabbing ds1 by the collar usually (firm grip- he can twist out of a wrist hold). I only let him go once he is climbing in the car. He sometimes tries to run, but doesn't get very far if I am holding his collar (and I'm sure someone will be calling SS sometime but tough!).

Having said that my NT 2 year old sometimes tries to run as well- and I just shout at him. Although once it gets game like I do the same sort of things as above.

juniper68 · 12/05/2004 22:48

I do this all the time and my youngest son is 3.5. He creates when we're getting on buses sometimes even though he loves them. He sat on the floor (again!) when we got on today so I just sat down and ignored him. He crawled up the length of the bus and I heard a woman muttering, silly moo.

I once walked out of Clarks shoe shop and asked a woman at a bus stop to tell me when he was on his way out. chasing them is no good, they just run away and could hurt themselves.
The woman who said this to you sounds pathetic so I wouldn't let her get to you

BIBIBOO · 13/05/2004 10:19

Paula,

I got left at the top of my street as a child many, many times, crying my eyes out and chasing after my mother who I truly believed would leave me there if I didn't go to the shops with her - I had no idea she was watching me the whole time and had no intention of leaving me there at all. The point is, it took me a long time to learn that and I'm sure she had hell with me for months until I figured it out and just followed her.
I'm not a "parent" until October but I'm sure I'll go through this too, and I can't say I'm looking forward to it.
People and their comments can be cruel, but it's not personal, they don't know you therefore have no right to make you feel like sh*t.
Hope it's all over now and twins are pictures of model behaviour

throckenholt · 13/05/2004 10:26

you were doing the thing that was working - ignore what the other woman said - she had no idea what the true situation was.

basically they have to learn to be safe and you were showing them that is important.

I am dreading getting to that stage with my twins (now 16 months). One legged it into the road yesterday in the split second I put them down to open the car door. Boy can they move at that age !

hovely · 13/05/2004 20:13

Thanks for response jimjams, useful ideas.
I've just read the other thread about running away, and now actually I think I have been too lax and trusting of her to stay near me; time to get a bit stricter when we're out. My head is now full of visions of terrible things happening in just a fraction of a second as she runs off the pavement or whatever. Oh well, here comes more screaming and public fury at being restrained and told what to do (from dd, not me).

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