How can I help DS ditch a friend?

[NotdeadyetBOING]

DS has just moved to Secondary School. He had had a friend at Primary School that he'd fallen out with, although he hadn't made a big deal of it so the friend hadn't realised. DS had hoped that things would just fizzle out naturally as they went to different secondary schools. However, this other boy's parents have been contacting me as they are keen for the boys to stay in touch. DS is adamant that he doesn't want to see the boy ever again. His reasons are valid, in my view. In Year 6, a new boy joined the school and DS and he became close friends. The other boy was (I imagine) v. jealous, although DS liked them both equally and wanted them all to hang out together. DS kept trying to make them all get on, but to no avail. The other boy became extremely unpleasant to the new boy - and said some vicious, cruel things to him regarding a very serious medical condition he has which DS thinks was unforgivable. After that, DS's feelings towards the other boy changed irrevocably, but he didn't make a big scene about it. This other boy has definite behavioural issues (think was thrown out of a previous school), but they used to get on well and his parents are delightful people. His parents are pressing me to arrange a get together.What do I do? DS refuses to contact this boy directly to explain (via email) and wants me to handle it - which I understand. I suppose I have to speak to the mother (in person?) and just be truthful??? Very awkward.I know the parents are v. worried about their son's social problems as it is and were relieved he finally had a proper friend. Would love to hear how people think I can best handle it???? TIA.

I probably wouldn't have accepted responsibility for sorting it out quite so readily.

Your DS is of an age where he can start sorting out some of his own social get togethers now.

I'd probably tell the other parent that as far as you're aware the kids haven't stayed in touch over the holidays, you are under the impression the friendship is naturally fizzling out, and you'll leave it to them to sort something out between them if they're wanting to meet up.

Can you not just say that DS isn't keen, and you think there may have been a drifting apart, and probably best to leave it for now and it may sort itself out? Then they don't need the details and he will probably latch onto someone else at his new school? Can i caveat with a big 'i don't know what i'm talking about' though? My kids are both wee though so none of this drama yet, bit i watch with interest for future reference!

100% agree with the 'i dont follow my ds's friendships now' route - they seem to have possibly drifted apart - 'friendships seem to drift apart so much at this age' - i wouldnt want to interfere - its up to them to sort things out

Many thanks for all the advice. And Spaggy, you may well be right about not offering to sort it for him. DS is in a real tizz about it, though, and although I've suggested helping him draft an email to the other boy, he is really really keen for me to handle it. The trouble is - I see the mother every day as the boy's little sister is still at the primary school as is DD. She stressed how keen she is for her son to have some friendships outside his new school which is why she'd like him to stay friends with DS.

I think that you can be a bit honest with the mum and say that your son believes they have fallen out. ..and then say you are sorry but yoi can't help. I think its unfair asking an 11 year old to directly email and explain why he doesn't want to be friends..would an adult ever do that?! Your son has done a normal.thing in letting a friendship fade and the only problem is that adults ..particularly this other mum...are interfering . Gently let the other mum know your son isn't keen ...and surely she will let it drop.

I had this but a new friend made at secondary. Was totally mortified when the Mum said so shall we arrange for them to see each other over the holidays and I had to tell her that her child had been in detention for the way he had treated my son in school

I didn't blurt it out, I said I didn't believe they were getting on as well as before and when she didn't take the hint, I went with, wasn't there an incident in his planner for which he got detention for?

Turns out the child had massively played down what he had done and had not said it involved my son. I apologised, she was lovely about it but clearly fuming at her son for putting her in that awkward position.

Said child is still trying to be friends with my son who categorically does not want to be friends and is polite but the boy is persistent.

I would nip it in the bud myself.

If you never thought you would see any of the family again, I think you could leave your son to deal with it/just fail to get in touch.

However it sounds as though you have a relationship with the mother and she is the one who is trying to promote the friendship because her son struggles socially.

I think you should be honest: Her son struggled when your son made a new friend and this led to the behaviour you described. This made your DS feel very uncomfortable and put too much strain on the friendship.