Severing ties with my mother

[RockpoolPolly]

Without going into huge detail (it would take forever), how can I go about explaining to my 4 year old that he won't be seeing his Granny again? I have tried, for years, to make my relationship work with my mother. She is incredibly difficult and was abusive when I was a child. She can sulk for weeks and months over the smallest argument, never apologises and is controlling. However, she adores my son and is amazing with him, but I'm sure that she and I would have parted years ago if it wasn't for him. Perhaps I can arrange for them to see each other without me being there, but I struggle with that concept. This sounds drastic, but I told myself that another row with my mother followed by her sulking and failure to apologise would be the end of it. It's toxic and exhausting. My husband has had enough too.

Does you mother realise you are about to dump her?? Maybe it is just the kick up the arse that she needs?? If she gets on so well with your son I think it would be sad to cut her off.
K

I don't know the answer but I think it's very brave of you to grasp the nettle. I'm sure you haven't come to this point lightly.

I wish I had done so earlier instead of waiting until my DC were old enough to be upset by their DGM's antics and games.

General advice for small DC is to keep it very simple so maybe something like "It is hard for mummy and granny to be friends at the moment."

And then talk in terms of not seeing Granny this Christmas/Bonfire Night/soon (rather than never again)???

How would that feel?

(If he asks about seeing her at Christmas or soon etc, I mean)

I think it is a brave decision, but I would avoid deciding it is forever or for good etc as it could cause you and everyone else a great deal of pain if you talk in these terms, and it may not be the case....you may change your mind at some point about seeing her again.

Why not think of it for the moment as a sabbatical. It takes the pain out of the separation and gives you and your mother time to think and reflect. It is entirely right you should tell her, and the reasons why. There is nothing wrong with distance if you feel her behaviour is that negative.

Would I stop my children seeing granny? No, I would keep that relationship alive and well. My mother stopped me seeing my grandmother, and I was furious as I grew up and she had deprived me of a key person in my life, and I felt so sad when my grandmother died, it affected my relationship with my mother quite badly at that time. Think long and hard about the conesquences. Having said that if your mother starts poisoning your son's mind about you ~ cut her off, but I doubt she would be that stupid.

The problem is that she still has a link to you through your son, which may be uncomfortable. Maybe your dh should do the dropping off and picking up to avoid you having to see her if you feel you really don't want to. I think you can also choose the amount of times, occasional or regular, set the timings of this to work for you.

I am sorry it is so difficult for you. Hopefully your sabbatical will work!

Be led by your son. Suggest that you don't raise the subject at all until he does, and then say in an age - appropriate way that we can't see them until they say sorry for being very mean, and keeping on being mean.

"when grown up people behave very badly, like hitting each other or saying very bad things, and they won't say sorry, then sometimes you have to wait until they promise to be nicer again. When they say sorry, we can be friends again".

That was as age-appropriate way as I could manage with our four year old. It also leaves things a bit open for future.

If you do leave the door open, then consider if she's likely to undermine you or try to steal your son's affections. There are some terribly sad stories of close relatives who've driven a permanent wedge between mother and child.

Having said that, links between grandson and grandparents -are- important, but only some leopards change their spots. It can take an awful lot to get to the point where you cut someone very significant out of your life, and I assume you haven't done it lightly - especially if your husband is also saying "enough is enough".

I'm in a similar position, no good solutions, just solidarity here . PPs have mentioned your obligation to maintain a relationship between your DS and his grandma but I don't think you are obliged to do that if it means giving your mother an emotional hold over you and therefore a chance to be abusive once again. You have also the right to protect yourself, and a relationship between your DS and your mother doesn't trump that, even if up till now she's been on her best behaviour.

I've been reflecting and think a break is a good idea. I'm also going to take a Facebook "holiday" so she can't see what we are up to for a while. It will force her to think about my need for distance. She was a physical abuser when I was a child and teenager (severe hitting) and also very controlling, she read my letters and decided who my friends would be. Now, that has transformed into emotional abuse which consists of sulking, childish strops if she doesn't get her own way, being unavailable, and interfering in my parenting. I don't believe she would harm my son. She adores him. I think I a more at risk. But the time has definitely come for much fewer visits and a change in the dynamic. I don't want her staying in my house again for example. She is damaged, insecure and selfish. I don't want my son to witness us fight again.