Do I interfere in my daughter's boyfriend's life?

[ceylonsky]

Hi All,

I have a real dilemma. My 17 year old is dating (for 2 years) her 19 year old boyfriend who has just finished his first year at University. The problem is his sister. She is using his student finance as a supplement for her and her boyfriends social life. The both work full time in managerial positions and often go for weekends away. I don't know exactly what she has taken from him (I say this as it appears she never pays back and instead just borrows more). I'm not supposed to know all this, my daughter has told me in confidence. Even she does not know the exact amount but estimates at least £2k. His sister is supposed to be paying back £900 at the end of this month but, instead, has just asked him to 'loan' her £1500 (to pay for her holiday in Novemeber). I'm so angry. The boyfriend is a lovely, intelligent man but has admitted he can't say no to his sister. (He also suffers on the lower scale of autism). He recently had to borrow money from his dad to pay his rent! I have her address and know she is on FB. I have a drafted letter to send her to subtly tell her that I know and to fix it. I keep holding back though......I think my daughter would be pretty devastated to know I had gone behind her back.....she doesn't think either me or she should interfere even though it upsets her greatly. Her b/f did tell his sister no to that £1500 but that's because he doesn't have the money anyway until his next instalment at the end of this month. My daughter seems to think he'll hold out though but I'm not convinced. Please give my your opinions, thank you so much.

It's heartbreaking but you should stay out of it. She's hardly going to gracefully say, of course I'll pay the money back immediately- you're right. Especially as it sounds as if he has other family in his corner? Do you know his Dad? That would be as far as I'd go, accidentally letting slip to his Dad, if you know him.

You'd be better to help her boyfriend build up his confidence to say no. This isn't going to be a short term problem otherwise, she's going to do this to him his whole life.

Thanks for the reply. None of his own family know about it. I've never met his dad although my daughter has and says he's a great man. I have his address, I could write to him instead of the sister? I just want her to realise it has to stop, I don't disagree that he won't see the money he has already loaned her again :(

My daughter is trying to build him up, I can't myself being that I'm not supposed to know. He's also very shy with me. I just feel so bad for knowing but not doing anything about i until it's too late?

Don't approach his sister, really bad idea. Build him up- but tou really can't approach them directly.

I would go to see his dad and give him the heads up. I'd be fuming if my daughter was doing this to my son.

Thank you all again - Scobberlotcher you are so right. I think I'm going to chip away at my daughter (she can handle that) to chip away at him. If he does lend his sister money again then I'll think my daughter may be so fuming that she could be persuaded to allow me to intervene.

I'm glad I asked and got this advice. I was sooooo close to sending that email yesterday and to now know that you mostly all think I shouldn't well it's eased my guilt somewhat in staying out of it. Thank you :))