2 year old screaming in the morning when I leave

[elelfrance]

DD will 2 next month, she has been looked after at our house by a brilliant nanny since she was 6 months old, DH & I both work full time. Its a nanny share, so another little girl (10 months) is also dropped off at our house.

Apart from the first week of settling in, she never really had a problem when we left in the morning, she loves her nanny. This year, the nanny was off for all of August (pretty standard where we live), so whe was with us a lot, first with grandparents, then with just me & DH for the last 2 weeks. I'm also pregnant with DC2, due in December.

Since we've been back at work in september, she has been having nuclear meltdowns in the morning when i leave, which she never did before...sometimes starts as soon as the nanny arrives (i often hang around 10-15 minutes after she arrives, just getting myself together for leaving). We do the usual routine, kisses, telling her i'll be back for teatime & bathtime this evening, i love her, etc etc, then i try to leave quickly, because she can't be soothed...she calmes down a few minutes after i go, and according to the nanny is happy is a clam for the rest of the day - and certainly seems fine when we get home, and has big kisses & cuddles for her nanny when she leaves.

I thought this would last a few days after the holidays, and that she'd soon get into the swing of things, but its going on over 2 weeks now, and i'm getting worried ! I trust our nanny totally, and know she is well looked after, but this is heartbreaking every morning.
Any similar experiences? Any tips for getting out of the house without a complete freak-out ?

She calms down after you go. Therefore, there's no problem. There was a previous thread on this you might find helpful, basically said that kids can be manipulative and do it to get a reaction from you. She's fine.

Well I will ignore the pp who said that a nearly 2 year old is being "manipulative".

She IS anxious and upset, and not just "pretending to be". Its a painful thing for you both that just has to be got through. People tell themselves that its only "pretend" as a way of assuaging their own distress at leaving an upset child.

At this age separation anxiety is at its height. It is heartbreaking for you both. That said, it is a natural, if difficult, phase that you need to go through.

Its normal for a securely attached child to protest when their attachment person leaves them. Although distressing, its a good sign - she is securely attached to you! See en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_in_children

All you can do is be empathetic and warm and give voice to her upset rather than pretending it doesn't exist. Eg Are you sad as mummy is leaving? I know. I will miss you too but I will be back later and [nanny] is a lovely lady who will look after you. It is REALLY hard to do this as your own anxiety about leaving your child will be sky high (I still hate dropping my son at nursery and he is 4 soon!). But if you can show her you can hear her distress and process it for her without freaking out yourself, you will help her through it. Easier said than done I know.

Always say goodbye and always come back when you say you will.

Eventually they settle down at about age 4

Thanks for the advice Tenforward and Bumpsadaisie .
Things went a bit better this morning, she started whinging when the nanny arrived, but i kept talking to her like you suggested Bumpsadaisie, and when i left, she was distracted by the other little one who was trying to crawl up on the couch, so she just waved and said byebye ....maybe a once-off reprieve, but maybe there's hope ;-)

Can you not do so much of a leaving talk. Telling her you will be back later, for bath, etc takes a while.

I would get nanny to have her on her lap or next to her reading a book when you leave for the next week or so. Then you can just give her quick kiss and say see you later and leave. And she will be distracted by book. She knows by now you always come back and is happy with nanny so a quick kiss and go is fine.

Yeah Artandco, I've been actually wondering is the fact that i stay around a while in the mornings making things worse. Maybe i need to be better organised and get up earlier so that i'm ready to go as soon as nanny arrives.

Oh it's horrible isn't it?

DS1 did this lots, at various different ages and even aged 4 he cried and protested that I was going out for a meal in the evening (DS2, 16 months, just smiled and waved bye-bye).

I used to do a lot of acknowledging how I though he felt "I know you're sad. I know you want me to stay. But I have to go to work and then I come home etc." and at least it made me feel better. That and getting my mum to text me when he'd stopped crying - usually less than 2 minutes later.

NEVER get your child to wave bye-bye from the window - we did that once and it was a disaster! Short and sweet is better.

At other ages though, I sometimes got pushed out the door because the grandparents were more fun than mummy!

She will also be very aware that something life-changing is about to happen. DS1 was very clingy to me when I was pregnant. He needed lots of hugs and reassurance.

Have you got any new baby books? I used to read "knock knock, open the door" which DS1 absolutely LOVED. There's a line at the end that says "hello little baby, sweet as can be, you're the one we've been waiting to see" and since DS2's birth, DS1 has called him "sweetie baby"!!!

I know if you can set up a little routine around leaving it can help them (as they know what to expect).

When I leave my son at nursery I always say as we arrive - so we are going to going and hang up your things then I am going to say hello to Miss X (teacher) and then we can have a cuddle and kiss and I will see you later.

I think doing that every time helps. Nothing too drawn out, but consistent.