Not bonded with 4 month old

[xxxlovexxx]

Am finding it really hard to bond with my daughter. She is the most beautiful and bright little thing in the world but I don't feel like am bonded with her. Am back at work and studying while her dad stays home and looks after her.

When her dad goes out and leaves her with me she will immediately start crying for the whole time and the crying will be from the minute he goes out to the minute he comes back. He will only ever leave me with her for 1 hour.

I feel pressured by family to continue studying to "achieve my potential", I just wana look after my daughter. I feel like this is my whole fault.

I had a huge argument with her dad yesterday. He always makes comments about how me and the babies aren't bonded, how me and her relationship is not normal. I know he is not saying it nastily but it hurts all the same. I keep on trying to say that I don't rub in the fact that he is out of work and has never even bought anything for my daughter (not even nappies for her). He is the best dad in the world though so I don't say it coz it will hurt him. He said he's not going to keep quiet from telling me the truth. He threatened to leave me because he said am too sensitive.

Am extremely low now, I feel like am not deserving of being a mum - I just wana be the mum my baby deserves.

It does sound like he is saying those things nastily. Does he want you to leave?

Is he a stay at home dad out of choice, or didn't he work before?

I presume you aren't married?

Do you deal with the baby as well when he's at home? Does she cry when you take care of her?

He says that he says it to help me n he wouldn't hurt me. He said i twist the context. I don't think he wants me to leave, but she has made comments bout wen he leaves me he feels sorry for the baby becoz he wont be their 4 her.

we have lived 2gether 4 2 years n 9 months n he has never worked. It was always our plan that he wud stay home wiv d baby.

we are not married.

i do look after d baby wen hme but wen she starts crying he takes her from me. I said dis hurts me, he said i shouldn't b immature

Have you got a health visitor you can talk to?

The first few months are very important for bonding. I personally believe the bonding between mother and child is more important to establish than father and child because you are full of hormones and the moment and lack of binding can lead to post natal depression.

Never mind what your family want for you, if you want to be with your baby then you should be! Your oh's comments are hurtful and unhelpful, he should be encouraging you not criticising.

I think you see your HV and get some professional advice. I really feel like you need to spend more time getting to know your baby. Also babies pick up on stress very easily. She may cry because you're anxious and stressed

It looks to me as he's doing his best to separate you and the baby and to put you down.
And he's living off you.

Could you take the baby and go for a walk some times, so that you do get one to one time without interference?

And you should tell him that he is undermining you. He should be constructive and help you bond, not the opposite. Maybe show him what his comments are like in reverse. Criticise something he does, with the baby or cooking, or whatever, and take it away from him.
See how it goes.

Unfortunately, though, I'm not very confident that will work.
Do talk to a health visitor. It might be helpful go get her around and observe how you are with the baby. If nothing else, to show you are not a bad mother and that you are bonding.

I find this to be extremely concerning behavior from your partner. Claiming you're not bonded to the baby even though I can see from your post that you ARE (you're providing for the baby's needs, you spend time with her and wish she didn't cry so much but haven't been allowed to spend more than an hour alone with her), not working, et cetera.

I seriously wonder if he is planning to leave you and leave you on the hook for support, while taking primary custody of your child. I once saw a man do this and it was for incredibly nefarious purposes, as the man turned out to be a pedophile and wanted the daughter "to himself." He did the whole same schtick"you don't really love the baby, your relationship with her is abnormal"so that when he left his partner, she was so confused and distraught that she let him have custody and paid maintenance.

Listen to what people here are telling you: it's not your bond with your baby that's abnormal, it's how your partner is treating you. He's not working, he's overly doting on this infant while undermining your bond with her, and he's slowly getting nastier about it. Is this what you want?

Bonding with a baby can be hard even for the people who do stay home with them all day. Don't feel bad. I didn't really bond at all with my son for at least 8 months. I did what needed to be done of course (feeding him, diapering him, playing with him, bathing him, smiling at him, talking to him). The whole thing, but I found it incredibly hard to bond with him at first because he cried SO MUCH. I was sleep deprived and stressed out, but did the work anyway. Remember a baby is a totally new human being suddenly taking residence in your home so not everyone bonds right away. The baby might feel like a stranger that needs all your attention and it can be weird for some people at first (and stressful). Don't let this get you down. After a while there would be small moments (through all the crying) where I slowly bonded with him (feeding him is formula, when he smiled, when he laughed for the first time, when he stood up for the first time).

At 8 months I was getting a full nights sleep, and he spent more time playing with me rather then screaming at me lol, and then low and behold, I fell in love with the little bugger. Give it time (I read about one woman who didn't bond with her baby until they were a year and a half old and now she'd never go back). I love my son so much now, I always did but stress can make it hard to bond with ANYBODY (including your boyfriend) For now I'd just do the work anyway despite the stress. When you get home feed the baby a few times, bathe her, read her a book even if she's not listening. Do some little things like that when you get home. You will bond with her, it's just right now you are getting used to the new life style. It can be stressful at first but things will get better and you will bond with her in time :)