Playing independently

[cufren]

Hi there, I'm a first-time message poster but frequent browser of mumsnet since the birth of my DS in August, so bear with me.
I fear that I have not taught my three-and-a-half-month-old DS to play independently. It seems that he needs my constant attention when he is awake, which is very tiring and surely not benficial for either of us. When I go to my mothers' group, I see the other kids his age lying there on their mats, looking quite content and happy and playing with toys, while my little one needs constant attention. How can I get him to not need my attention all of the time? I don't like controlled crying (maybe that is why he is so dependent, I don't know). Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Don't worry, he's only so small! There's plenty of time for him to learn to appreciate his surroundings independently. Boys tend to be a bit clingier, and the eldest boy even more so. Are some of the other "contented" babies girls, and maybe have older siblings? All in good time!

He's 3 1/2 months old! Cut him - and yourself - some slack. I went through a similar feeling when my ds was a bit older than yours - some friends unfavourably compared him at six months (trashing the table in the restaurant, trying to eat the menu) with 'perfect' 6 week old dd of my friend. "Why doesn't he sit quietly in his buggy like she does?" Er, because he is 6 months, not 6 weeks, and he is lively and active. Still needs attention constantly (at 17 months) but personally I think he is a lot more interesting than a 'sitting quietly' baby.

they don't "play" at that age - independently or not. In a few weeks time he may be distracted by something like an activity arch for a little while.

Another thing that mine seemed to like was being laid on a towel with no nappy on - something about the freedom to kick would keep them happy for quite a while.

The other thing is to talk to him when you are not in his direct line of sight - then he knows you are around.

It's impossible but try your best not to fall into the trap of comparing babies! I had some very miserable months with a group of mums whose children who were lively and noisy (and one of whom was frankly a bully) and my dd was shy, clingu and nervous. I felt a failure and wished she was different luckily I came to my senses when I realised that actually my daughter is absolutely wonderful and found some new friends (not suggesting you should do that, there were other issues that lead me to do that!) Her confidence grew from day to day and now she's a very happy, secure, not shy little girl! Actually that was a bit off the point but just wanted to say all babies are different, there is nothing you are doing wrong, some just need their mummy for a bit longer than others!

Thanks so much - feeling better already. I am trying to follow the sleep, eat, play routine and during the playtime I try to interact all of the time. At the end of the day, I love my playtime with him and that he is a spirited, lively baby. I will look at his clinginess as a sign of a deep, deep love for his Mum . I will try the talking to him while out of his line of site though.

be careful not to over stimulate him though. At that age teh 2 hour rule is still good - awake for no more than 2 hours - otherwise they get overtired and find it really difficult to sleep well.

Remember that for a tiny baby the whole world is new and interesting - they don't need "toys" - just you talking, singing, making faces etc, and being with them.

My first daughter was just like your DS - she just didn't do lying on a mat cooing, but wanted to be in my arms the whole time. Otherwise she screamed.

It was quite a revelation when DD2 arrived and was quite contented to sit and watch the world go by. We didn't do anything differently. They just have totally different personalities.

If it's any consolation, "attention-seeking" DD1 is really good at playing independently, now that she's four. On the other hand, "placid, easy-going" DD2 is turning into a spirited toddler who has tantrums down to a fine art at the age of 15 months. So your friends with the calm babies might not always have it easy. And you are making a good investment in your DS's future self-esteem by giving him loads of attention now.

follow your instincts and don't worry about what the other kids are doing. Each child is different but your own instinct will tell you what is right for you. months old babies are supposed to be dependent, that's normal. Independent play comes so much later. Just enjoy it.

He's only little. He'll learn to play by himself soon enough but now he wants & needs his mummy. Give him a hug and enjoy him while you can. It won't be long before he's too busy to spend all this time with you. My DS (14 months) was the same but now runs around all day, inspecting this & that & generally causing trouble . He stops for the occasional hug, but I miss those early months when he actually only wanted to be with me!

Thanks so much everyone. Mumsnet is a great crutch.