I am despairing of dd 9 & feel unable to do anything.

[duvet]

So I'm feeling crap because my day consists of constant conflict with my dd. She is oversensitive and knows she is and often accuses me of things. Anytime she wants to do or have something and I say no she calls me mean. Everything is over complicated and she over analyses everything I say.

Today I'm having a day with her we've been for a bike ride and had an icecream, dd1 has gone out with dad.
An example is that I just asked if she'd like to make a cake with me.
DD: She replied well not really but I will if you want me to.
Me: no that's ok, it's only if you'd like to.

DD: Well you'll probably be sad if I don't.
Me: No it's okay, Aww I don't want you to worry about that. (staying calm going to hug her)
DD: so you don't want me to care about your feelings. (and gets annoyed and walks off)

I'm at my wits end, I'm staying calm, trying to set a good example. She accuses me of shouting at her when I don't. She will say things like you've made me sad. I feel like I've got myself into this hole and cant get out.
I do say to her we don't speak to each other like that in a calm but authorative way at times.
She is sensitive to facial expressions too saying you're angry with me aren't you, when I'm not at all
I acknowledge her feelings but she just continues in this manner and it's waring me down. She has said herself that she is oversensitive but says it's a habit and that she can't help it, whenever I try to talk to her about it. I feel like I need a counsellor! What can I do? I am getting desperate.

Also dd2 talks, a lot, which is fine but I think part of the problem is that she talks before she thinks. Is there anywhere I can get some advice on this maybe a psychologist, do you think would help?

I think it's the dynamic between you. I would have said - I'm going to bake a cake, would you like to help me? Then after her reply - well not really but I will if you want me to - I would have gone into the kitchen and said - it's completely up to you. And got started. I think you are kind of feeding her IYSWIM?

If it was me I'd (try to) keep firm boundaries and keep things simple and try not to get drawn into conversations about feelings. For example

Parent: Do you want to make a cake?
Child: Not really, but I will if you want me to.
Parent: Okay, another time.
Child: You'll probably be sad if I don't.
Parent: (smiling) I don't think so.
Child: You just don't care.
Parent: (walking off) No I don't, it's just a cake and now I've got X, Y and Z.

... and now I've got X, Y and Z to do..

Agree with you George.

Yeah maybe I've got into the trap of over analysing things, and also pandering to her feelings.
Maybe I've read too many 'How to talk so kids will listen' type of things - that it makes me feel guilty when I don't 'acknowledge all the feelings'.

Accusing you of being mean when you won't give her something is quite normal behaviour. My 8 year old daughter does this and sometimes I will just say 'yes, that's right I am a mean mummy'. The answer is still no and I will say why not but don't try to get into long reasons for justifying myself.

I'm guessing that when she tells you that you've made her feel sad you feel guilty but mostly this kind of accusation should be ignored with something a bit more hard hearted like 'oh well, never mind' and carry on with things.

I think with the cake I would have asked my daughter if there was something else she'd like to do instead of the cake.

Acknowledging feelings is important, but so is setting boundaries and being clearly in charge, that's what makes a child feel safe. It's hard, this parenting lark!

I wonder if girls get taught - or pick up via unstated messages - that feelings are too important. Everybody has to like everybody all the time. Nobody should ever feel unhappy.

Which just isn't true. Every day will have its share of tiny frustrations and minor disappointments

But there's a lot to be said for just getting on with life, secure in the knowledge that your parents love you, your teacher will do her or his best to be fair, and that siblings and friends will - despite various ups and downs - generally stick by you.

I have a very confrontational daughter who is 11 now, but has been like this since the age of 8. It is complicated by her Dad leaving and setting up a new family within 3 days of leaving - so there is the potential for guilt to come in and play parents off against each other.

Firstly the cake, I would asked a different question.

Me : I am going to make a cake, would you like to help?
DD : Not really, but I will if you want me to.
Me : That's fine, I will go and get started.

No further discussion 9 times out of 10 she joins me and we have no discussion about anybodies feelings.

DD : Can I have X?
Me : No you can't
DD : You are mean (or her favourite you are the worst parent in the world)
Me : I maybe, but I am your parent not your friend.

In both scenarios sometimes DD will try and engage me in a make the parent feel bad type conversation, which I will not engage in.

We have other discussion about feelings and about how it is not on to lash out and try to make other people feel bad when you feel bad. We should always respect each other and is not necessary for me to feel the same way as she does to under stand her feelings.

Agree that this is a form of attention-seeking - and you are being drawn into feeding it, understandably.

If you know she's got nothing to be upset about, I would employ the bright and breezy approaches described here. This endless introspection is actually not that helpful, as you intimate. There's caring about feelings and then there's endlessly playing the feelings card to get attention.

Thank you for the further replies. Since then I have been taking a bit less notice if you like of those kind of comments and not get into too long a discussion on things. After one comment she made at the weekend after posting on her I felt more confident and I told firmly that she was not to speak like that and we should show respect for each other, and we had a brief discussion about it although it didn't go down too well at the time, she's been a lot better since then. I just hope it lasts. So thanks Mnet for the boost!

My dd (10) does the same, and the only thing that works for me is humouring her, she calls me 'mean' I agree with her and say I am the worst in the world.

We have door slamming, I turn the radio up and tune out. 'I hate you', I always reply 'I love you with all my heart'. It kills off the anger I find, and I feel much more in control of my emotions and do not react with anger. I used to feel so hurt and angry, and now I realise she is just see sawing with hormones and it is nothing to do with me.
I used to try and justify myself or reason with her in the early days (asking her why she thought I was mean? Of course she couldn't answer because I am not, why she hated me etc) and it was a complete nightmare and made her even worse! It turned everything into such a long winded drama. It is pure attention seeking and button pushing, and now I lavish attention on her when she talks to me properly and we converse like adults. It has worked. Sometimes she lapses and I keep my feelings in check and do not get involved. I am sure it will pass for both of us soon!!

It is not personal in a nutshell, she is just going through a phase like all the others.