Dealing with toddler tantrums.

[Writerwannabe83]

My DS is almost 18 months old and over the last 3 weeks he has started having the most awful of tantrums including throwing things across the room, hitting me (usually on my chest but sometimes my face), scratching my arms, kicking out at me when having his nappy changed and also banging the wall full force with his palms. He's got a little table and chair in the living room and the other morning he picked up his chair and just threw it to the floor in an act of defiance. All of the above behaviours only emerge if he isn't getting his own way.

I know the general rule is ignore bad behaviour and praise the good but I'm finding it hard to not tell him off (for want of a better word) or tell him that what he's doing is wrong. Surely by just ignoring his behaviour he won't learn it's not acceptable?

How do you all deal with issues like this?

Watching with interest as my 18 month old is just the same.... Please someone come and give us some advice!!!

I used to just say a firm NO!, put them down, turn my back and walk away if they hit me.

If they were throwing or breaking something, I'd again say NO! and take either the object or the child away and then ignore until they're calm.

It's pointless trying to reason with them or explain what they're doing wrong because they're not going to listen when in that mood and a long-winded "you mustn't throw the table because it'll break something and hurt mummy..." will only really add fuel to the fire. Save that for when they're calm.

If I had to carry them during a tantrum I'd hold them under my arm facing outwards if that makes sense so they couldn't kick or hit me (this was especially important with ds at that age as I was pregnant with dd at the time).

If they were just making noise and screaming and carrying on without actually causing harm or damage then I'd either ignore or distract: I'd sometimes get a book off the shelf and start reading it aloud out if sung a nursery rhyme or silly song at the top of my voice until they joined in and forgot whatever they were cross about.

I also tried to avoid saying no too often, for example if they asked for a biscuit I'd say, "Yes, dinner then biscuit," bright and airily with hand gestures pointing to what I meant.

I'm certainly not an expert though and can be quite a shouty mum at times and these tips didn't always work but they're worth a try!

For "Out if sung" read "or I'd sing..."

Our older son's thrown some rather grand tantrums and he's older than 3! :)

We took professional advice in the end and regarding physical attacks, the advice was to hold the child securely in a hug, maybe facing outwards as mum said, so that if they can't contain themselves you can contain them - apparently it gives something of a sense of security ot know that. Obviously very careful not to hurt them, but neither can you allow things to get broken or people to be hit / scratched / bitten.

Other than that, loads of positive attention for good behaviour and ignore, ignore, ignore bad behaviour as others have said.

It's working well with our sweet-but-easily-frustrated older son, his tantrums are getting less and milder.

Test...

Sorry! Trying and failing to post!

Does he have tantrums at particular times, or do they happen at random times? My dd is 19 months and started having tantrums about two months ago. We worked out that they only really happened if she was either tired or hungry, and since figuring that out she's almost stopped. We take snacks everywhere - she has to eat regularly or she just can't cope. DH forgot to take snacks out with them on Monday & she had a massive tantrum for about half an hour when they eventually came home

We do ignore her when she has a tantrum - I make sure she's in a safe place so that she can kick and scream on the floor. When she's calmed down we just go back to normal - as frustrating as it is I don't think at this age that they'll understand if we explain that they have to stop etc. I hope that by trying to minimise the tantrums, and by ignoring her when she's like that that she'll eventually get the message. Fingers crossed anyway!
Good luck

My DS (now 2.2) was like this from about 13/14 months old. We have been RELENTLESSLY FIRM with him from the very first time he started - when he would bite, we wouldn't make a long speech just say firmly and in a tone only reserved for those moments "NO! Biting HURTS!" or somehtign like that and then we would pick him up and put him away from us then walk away to a distance. For other things (at 18 months old he figured out he could flap at other kids and it was "funny", which it wasn't, it was just mortifying and led to us not going to an play groups or soft play again until he was old enough to understand not to do that - when he would "flap" at other kids, we would remove him from the situation and again say "hitting HURTS! NO hitting!", and so on. If at home, I would also put him in the naughty corner for 60 seconds, before kneeling down to his level to explain why I had put him there, then to make him apologise (sounds harsh to some for an 18 month old, but it worked for him and us because he understood). It didn't take him long to understand, and now at nursry they say he's one of the most empathic kids there. He has his blips with his baby sister, but always when he's a) SUPER tired or b) SUPER hungry, so we try and always preempt that. He never, ever now hits us etc or other adults, nor other children. But consistency was the absolute key with him (and ignoring other people trying to tell us we shouldn't be disciplining him at such a young age. It worked for us).