Rules, where am I going wrong?

[Tillytoes14]

Hi,
We have rules for our 9 year old, the main ones are no name calling, keep hands and feet to yourselves (if these are broken, we send ds to his room for reflection time) and listen to others (we send ds 10 minutes earlier to bed for not listening, each time he breaks that rules) but he's still not listening, he's still using his hands and feet inappropriately, he's always grabbing his ds head or something, which his younger brother doesn't like, I just can't seem to get it right and he's also losing time at school for not listening. Am I being too lax on the consequences? His brother is the complete opposite!

I'm not sure what you are expecting from him.... a prim and proper mini-adult?
He's 9 yrs old. It's pretty normal behaviour to tussle with your siblings a bit and call them names. Yes, you should work towards them understanding the difference between a bit of banter and serious underminding of confidence, but I think it's very, very normal for brothers to name call, and have some physical play / skirmishes / tussles / whatever words you wish to use.

Hi Op, it all sounds very trying (and familiar) to me! It's a constant battle here too to get mine to listen and stop the squabbling. I don't have any answers sorry, just sympathy! I am reading "how to talk so kids will listen" and just posted about it. I don't know if you've tried it but some of the strategies are quite helpful. Its success seems to depend on how understanding I am feeling to be honest!

How old is your DC2 OP?

I try and be concise and specific when I'm talking to them...failure to do as told results in a TV ban/other treat ban. The TV ban is instant and therefore they remember why they are being disciplined.

Unless it is a massive misdemeanor, I'm not keen on punishments that are far away in advance, bed time is often feels hours and hours away for a child and by then the bad parts of the day have hopefully been put behind us. We might have a reflective chat at bed time, 'tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it', that type of thing...very Anne of Green Gables, but also very true.

Keeping hands and feet to yourself is a bit non specific imo, no kicking, pinching, punching is more specific. I expect them to tussle and wrestle, but playing dirty is not acceptable. Neither is being deliberately nasty or upsetting another child who is playing nicely.

I read a book somewhere that said kids do what gets noticed, so to give 6 praises to 1 'telling off/correction/what ever you wish to call it'. Proper praise, not just praise for the sake of it. That seems to work well in this house. I also tend to do reflection time sitting on a dining chair facing a wall (with no toy to play with), that might make me an ogre, but they don't like it as they are missing out and they often calm down in that time.

They still run me ragged on some days though!

Focus on giving him lots of chances to listen (making sure you are in the same room, have eye contact and no background distractions), then praise and thank him for listening. More praise, less punishment.

9 yr old boys are very provocative in my experience. Your rules sound fine.