Hi Murphee
I'm sorry to hear your friend is having a hard time. My dd is 2 years old and is profoundly deaf. She was identified at birth and fitted with hearing aids, which made no difference (she was initially thought to have a moderate loss). The hearing aids drove me MAD - always falling off and whistling incessantly, getting caught on the buggy, carseats, hats, dd would grab them and put them in her mouth. I found the whole thing really stressful, and would imagine this is getting your friend down (how many times a day did I cut toupee tape to stick them back on? 20? 50?). Dd got no benefit from the aids, and no response to hearing tests at all, and finally had a cochlear implant in the summer, aged 20 months; she is now making fantastic progress, getting very noisy and babbling a great deal. We have signed with her since she was tiny and, as a result she has a huge signing vocabulary and can sign 2-3 word sentences to us - which is age appropriate - and can understand much more. I would like her to keep up the signing if possible, even as she acquires speech. Cochlear implants are not a 'cure' for deafness, rather a sophisticated hearing aid, so we want to encourage both verbal and non-verbal forms of communication. To this end, I have just started a BSL course to help expand both my and dd's (and the rest of the family's) vocabulary.
In terms of support in the UK, we have a teacher of the deaf who visits us regularly. Our teacher is fantastic, but I have heard reports from other parents that their teachers are less than helpful. We also have support from a ToD and speech therapist at the implant centre, as well as a local speech therapist. We have a lot of family close by, and that helps as much as anything (especially as it means our ds, who is 5 and hearing, gets plenty of attention from grandparents etc., and it's helpful to have someone he can stay with when we're attending appointments for dd). Sounds like your friend has good support in terms of speech therapy - can the therapist not put your friend in touch with other parents of deaf children?
Tbh, I don't really attend any groups for parents with deaf children at the moment - I work part-time - although I'm planning to make enquiries soon, as much for advice on schooling and statementing as anything else. I would also recommend the NDCS - www.ndcs.org.uk - they have a really helpful section called Parent Place where you can post for advice/support. Dd has plenty of friends, all of whom are hearing, so she has lots of good role models for speech which is important in any language. She just enjoys doing all the normal things that 2 year olds enjoy - the only difference is that she can't hear or speak as well as her peers. Yet.
I can completely understand how your friend feels at not giving her older child enough attention. I felt much the same with my ds, and used to take my frustration out on him; I used to snap at him easily - still do sometimes - and have less patience with him. I'd then feel guilty that I was horrible to him, as well as guilty that maybe I'd done something when I was pregnant to cause dd's deafness (which I didn't - it was just 'one of those things'). I used to try and set aside time specifically for ds - at lunchtime when dd was asleep - to do things just with him, or we'd arrange time together at the weekend - nothing special , just playing a game he wanted, or knocking a football about. We've always been very open about dd's deafness, and have encouraged ds to sign with her - which he's really good at - and to come to some of her appointments, so he can see what happens and feel more involved. He's just started school, so it's less of a problem now.
Looking back, when dd was 6 months old, I still felt pretty shell-shocked about the whole 'deaf' thing. I didn't know anyone who is deaf, none of my family is deaf, and it seemed like a bewildering new world to be in. Two years on, and dd communicates so well, has a great personality and sense of humour, can point out and comment on so many things - all of it non-verbal. The verbal bit will follow - she'll get there in the end - but it's such a delight to see her blossoming in the meantime. Her life will present more challenges, undoubtedly, but no reason why she should not live a full and independent life.
Best of luck to your friend. Do get her to post on here or the NDCS website; she will find a lot of support in both places.