Can anyone tell me when having a 3 year old and a newborn stops being do relentlessly grim?!

[Playitagainsam]

DD is 3 and DS is 3 months. She is a threenager. He has reflux and/or colic/teething/anything else which can make a baby scream for hours of a day or night but which makes most health professionals roll their eyes. It is horrible. I love them both but I hate this. Really hate it. There are many days when the baby screams and the toddler tantrums in tandem and I honestly feel like my head will explode. It is so horribly relentless. I know from experience with my DD as a baby that it will get better....but that doesn't help because I don't know when. And every day that passes without a moment to myself without one or other screaming, I don't know how I will make it through another day let alone another month.
DS's screaming grinds me down every day. Nothing we try works, he just seems uncomfortable and unhappy all the time. DD is defiant and can be really obnoxious when she wants to be, typically when I am at my lowest ebb.
I don't know what I'm looking for really, maybe just to rant. I do know it will get better but I question how much further my sleep deprived self can continue wading through the treacle of days at home without losing the plot!
Anyone have any words of wisdom, or smacks around the face, whichever may be most appropriate?

Sorry to hear this

You sound like me a few years ago and you're right it does get easier. Many babies get easier at that 3 month mark just cos that's what they seem to do so hopefully all those difficult medical issues will ease up.

From a practical perspective I'd recommend a good routine and ensuring you have regular me time. I got my kids into the habit of going to bed at 7pm and really it saved me knowing I'd have a couple of hours to myself.

They're older now and whilst still take work it DOES get easier.

I found my babies got easier from 9 months. Dd2 first 6 months are a blur have blanked them out. Hang in there you are right in the thick of it

I won't smack you in the face, nor do I have any words of wisdom, but I just wanted to give you some solidarity.

You're not alone! My toddler is 22mo and my twins are 4.5mo and every day is like an endurance test.

DH comes home and merrily declares "don't mind the babies crying, they're just babies" which makes me want to kill him stone dead.

I feel guilty that I'm wishing the babies to be older so we can get out more easily and the frustrated crying will end.

Good luck! and for us!

Oh gosh that does sound grim!
I think 5 or six months will be a bit of a turning point-when dc2 starts eating and you can pop him in a high chair with a couple of rice cakes for a while.
Does the 3 year old go to nursery/preschool? If not could you find somewhere for a couple of mornings a week?

DD is defiant and can be really obnoxious when she wants to be, typically when I am at my lowest ebb

This is my DD too - she is 2.5 and DD2 is almost 4 months. She was at her obnoxious worst in a playgroup recently and I had to run to the bathroom in tears as the other mums were being so nice and sympathetic to me . That was kind of the last straw though, and ever since I have been much less tolerant of her bad behaviour. I can see now that I had really let her discipline slide since DD2's arrival, and have resumed 1-2-3 and time-out techniques with her, with a significant improvement in her behaviour. I read somewhere that toddlers appreciate having limits set for them as it gives them a sense of security when things seem to be spiralling out of control. Things are far from perfect and we still have lots of days when we are all in tears at the same time, but I feel as though I am on the track to things improving. Not sure if that helps you but !

Thanks everyone. I had high hopes for the 3 month improvement, it was certainly the case with my DD. but my DS's screaming/general unhappiness is worse than ever at 3 months. It just feels like it's never ending! DD starts nursery in a week's time, hopefully that will help us all in time but will no doubt be stressful in the short term (she hates being left with strangers). We try to keep to a routine, but the earlier DS starts his first sleep of the night, the sooner he wakes up - and the rest of the night is often a bit of a write off. So it's tricky balancing trying to find me time versus getting any sleep. Also, DD has become more obnoxious as we've tried to maintain discipline - she constantly takes the phrases we use when telling her off/disciplining her and uses them back at us all day. 'Mummy, you're being rude'. 'Daddy you need to start behaving' etc etc etc. Urgh. Ignoring it doesn't work. Telling her to stop doesn't work. Locking myself in the garden shed with a crate of wine might though!

On God, you poor thing!

This is why we are stopping at 2. I cannot imagine how hellish i would be with three year old twins and a baby!

[Thanks]

Theeagle - sweet Jesus, twins and a toddler?! You have my full respect. And sympathy I think

It's bloody hard going isn't it. My ds had just turned 3 when DD came along. Every day was just so tough. Ds behaviour was awful to begin with, attention seeking I assume. One morning I'd left ds downstairs watching tele while I tried desperately to calm my screaming baby upstairs, I finally got her to sleep, came downstairs utterly exhausted only to find ds had drawn all over the cream sofa, the floor & all up over the kitchen work tops with purple felt tip! I went mad at him & then phoned my mum in tears who then came over to help me clear it up! I never did tell my dh though because he would have shouted at ds really badly & although I had a go at him part of me felt sorry for him too. He'd never done anything like it before & all of a sudden this baby arrives who was either asleep or screaming, no in between.

DD is now 10 months & things are absolutely fine, and have been for ages. I'd say the first 6 months were really hard going. Ds behaviour is fine & everythings settled down. Ds loves DD now & finds her a bit more interesting now she is crawling about etc.

The hardest thing for me is feeling like my relationship with ds is completely different now & it makes me a bit sad. Before DD we were so close & did everything together, he'd always want me to put him to bed, not dh etc. But since I had the baby I haven't had as much time to play with him, have been tired & short tempered, dh would take him out to occupy him etc, and subsequently its all about daddy now. Dh is the one he calls for in the night, puts him to bedbed, he doesn't really want me. So you have my sympathy,its so hard looking after two young kids.

Cb148 thanks for that, it gives me hope! I might just have to resign myself to writing off the next few months until it starts to get better.
It is difficult when everything changes but it's great to hear that your DC have their own little relationship now. And if your DS is anything like my 3 year old, the 'flavour of the month' parent or grandparent will change lots of times in the coming years. Your OH is just more interesting to him at the moment, I'm sure it'll come full circle back to you .

Just to add my sympathy. DS1 is 3.1yo and DS2 almost 10mo.
Was just musing the other day about those horrid first months, DS2 was a screamer like DS1 never was and I just didn't know what to do with him!! I struggled so much with losing the closeness I had with DS1 and even now I get 'stuck' with the baby while DP and DS1 go and have fun doing big boy stuff.

But not that DS2 is eating with us and crawling and cruising now it's easier and he's awake and happy for longer parts of the day. DS1 loves him (when he's not pinching and pushing him and making him cry ) and they laugh and interact together. Now it's the constant policing them and being on death watch with kamikaze DS2 that's exhausting....

I go back to work in two months and looking forward to booking some days off for DS1 and I to skive off nursery and spent some time without DS2. But in the same breath I can't bear my baby going to nursery...!

You can't win but it does get easier.

Probably pretty soon. Nursery may well be a good thing for the 3 year old too. Mine are similar ages, DC1 was at nursery slightly before DC2 arrived, and it really helped.

I could have written your post OP, you have my sympathies. DD1 is 2.7 and DD2 is nearly 4 months. If DD2 ever falls asleep DD1 will wake her straight away. So no nap times to have a break / get stuff done / just get my shit together
Every day is just so hard, I'm hating maternity leave this time around.

I found it awful. It got better from 6 months but there are still many hard days. Not helped by both being allergic to sleep!

I am stopping at 2!