Husband trouble

[JRWREN2110]

Ok, so my DH and I have a beautiful 8 week old.

DH works full time and I am at home with DD.

DD is an extremely easy baby (and don't worry we know how lucky we are)...she is EBF and very content.

DH and I have been together 5 years and we hardly used to argue, we always cuddled and did the deed at least once a week, now I know having a baby changes things, I was prepared for 'the recovery period'. But we seem to be arguing all the time! We get a good 8 hours sleep (I get up once for DD, but only for 20 mins or so for a feed).

I don't need the cuddles anymore, I just feel sad about our relationship. I miss him, but then when he is here and with me-I just feel cross. I do everything around the house atm because I am home, so I feel like a single parent sometimes. I guess I'm acting like one. I just wanna go away some days, just a week break away from him.

We were so close and I just could cry over that loss.

On the flip side we love our DD sooo much, she is so special. But how can I fix 'us'?? Any experience of this??

Why are you doing everything around the house? You've got a full time job atm which is to feed and care for your DD. If you were working full time at home your DH surely wouldn't expect you to also do all the housework as well? I imagine you're feeling resentful because he isn't doing his fair share at home. What do you think?

Was is it that you want him to do that he's not doing? Be better company? More housework? Take the baby for a couple hours so you can go out? Or is it just non-specific unhappiness - I know sometimes my DH will wind me up and it's really not him, it's me. Your hormones are going to be all over the shop at the moment and that's bound to affect how you're feeling - so don't panic, this may not need fixing; it may just need time. But talk to your husband about how you're feeling - that closeness will probably come back.

I don't know what it is, I am sure he would say he does 'what he can' around the house. DD is also in cloth nappies-which is fine for me, he has no idea where anything is for DD, I show him-but he doesn't take it in. When he gets in from work, he wants to sit down and relax for a bit before having DD and by that time she is grouchy and wants me (evening witching hour). I have DD ALL the time. I love having her and never resent it, but SERIOUSLY!!

Our communication is pretty good, I just can't put into words how I am feeling because, I suppose it scares me.

Currently not talking because the washing machine is on the blink and I have asked him to look at new washing machines for a month-I found a few-he cast an eye and did nothing...my Dad has put in half for it as he knows how much we need it with the cloth nappies. He shouted because I was upset that he hadn't sorted it but managed to spend most of his internet time looking at fjalraven (his favourite site) and bought things from there.

I spend all my time looking at things for DD and budgeting monthly for the big things...thinking we'll need to stock up on the next size of clothes...things don't seem to resonate the same way for him. I CARE for DD, he just plays.

He is a good Dad, a lot of it is because she is BF and likes me more as I am squishy and have the food. It might be that I need to give him more time, maybe it's all me.

It's not you...really. Was he like this before? You don't sound like you're working as a team and he isn't putting you and your DD first imo.

I don't see why he should be shouting at you? Did that also happen before your DD was born? Sorting out a new washing machine is hardly a challenge.

You will be the "expert" at the moment wrt your DD as you're with her more. But he should be wanting to engage with all the aspects of parenting not just the "fun" bits. I think you need to have a serious talk about how he's not stepping up.

Is he around this weekend? Could you give dd a big feed and then send them both out for a walk.

My DH did take a little while to realise that he can't just come in and sit down. It sounds like your dd is asleep early and you are doing the night feed. There's no reason that he can't come in and cook dinner or bathe and change dd.

When I say my DH took a while to adjust, I constantly asked him when my time off was and he did all of the cooking, shopping and gardening and a fair lot of the housework too.

I agree with the others. You need to talk about how the lack of support is making you feel.

From v early DH and I would alternate a lie in on a weekend. I would feed dd and DH would look after dd until he settled her for her first nap. After the nap we would both get up and start the day proper. He would do everything til then, nappies, dressed, out in the pushchair etc.

Even if I didn't sleep I'd rest and he'd get to grips with parenting without me hovering over his shoulder.

I certainly think your DH needs to have 10 mins rest max before getting into the swing of it. My DH goes straight upstairs and gets changed, loo break before coming down and taking over. I often disappear upstairs for half an hour at that point.

Imo it's key DH is obliged to do everything himself occasionally, ignorance is not an excuse.

How are things today?

Mine was the same until 6 months. At that point it was like he turned into a different man... baby would interact with him more, I started to wean off breastfeeding onto bottles, I insisted he started to get up at night too. Our relationship was a bit meh for the first three months, but we had a proper frank conversation about it and things are better/fine now. Not back to life pre baby, but it never will be.

My advice is frank conversation. Hinting just doesn't work. Make a proper timetable/list of jobs, share them out.

I'm having this too. DS is 5wks old. DH also comes in and does just what he did pre baby. Faffs about for half an hour, sits and watches tell. Asks if I want him to have DS.....

I also do all house stuff, cooking etc. Which is fine with me but he has actually made a couple of snarky comments when I haven't been on top of things. Oh and I had a c section....

Is yet to change a nappy. To be fair, DS doesn't sound as content as your DD op, he feeds a lot. I am going to start expressing so DH can have him for longer than 5 minutes after work.

I think DH is just so used to me being extremely independent and capable, that he doesn't get the difference with this.

I come in from work and take the children immediately. DH doesn't get to choose to have a break from them. Sometimes they're all over me before I've got my coat off. I'm not off duty until bedtime (and not even then, since they could wake). I'd have thought that was normal. My two are 3 and 18m.

I don't buy this needing down time before taking the children. He gets to have a clear head at work and during the commute. He'd not get that time if he were at home all day.

5 minutes to have a wee and get changed and then he should have dd.

Bollocks to the needs-an-hour-after-work-to-switch-off shit. The man is now a father and things are different.

Tell him to get the washing machine ordered tonight.

I agree with giving dd a big feed tomorrow and sending them off together for a couple of hours. Or, leave them at home and you can go out. Make sure you've shown him for a final time where the nappy stuff is and just leave him to get on with it.

Notta in 5 weeks your husband has not changed a nappy? What the actual fuck is that about?

I get where you are coming from. If you are like me, it's less the fact that dh won't do clearing up, taking the baby etc but the fact that you have to direct him all the time and ask - like they are doing you a favour? This drives me mad too and I am on my second. With the first it stressed me out and made me very resentful. It got better when I returned to work. With my second I will literally just leave him to it-leave the house (usually with the older one) and leave him to cope. Otherwise I spend hours going over feeding and sleep times while he doesn't really listen.

I feel for you. The 24 on duty is unrelentless. Even if you have a baby that sleeps well at that age this still wake to feed so your day never ends, and then you have to do it all again. Everything you do has to be worked round the baby, whereas for your DH parenthood is optional. My DH was like that with our first. It didn't help that she was a boob obsessed, clingey baby but nonetheless DH was quite detached from the whole thing. He got a lot better as DD got older and became more interactive but even now I find that the assumption is that I am available 24/7 and I have to almost book his time with the kids so that I can have a break.

We have a 20 month old and a 7 week old. DH gets home, goes upstairs for 5 mins to get changed and is then on equal duty. Neither of us sit down and relax until DD1 is in bed, dog is walked and dinner is cooked. DD2 tends to cluster feed in the evening so DH usually does the dog walking/dinner cooking etc. If the baby settles after her cluster feed he takes her for an hour while I get some rest as I'm the one up in the night. It's not fair for one parent to have significantly more down time than the other.
I remember when we had DD1 feeling resentful for being 'default parent'. In some ways it's inevitable when you EBF, however DH does all nappy changes when he's at home, tries to settle her when she's grouchy etc.

Obsidian I don't know really. I do it all day when DH is at work. Overnight i feed him and change him then which is fine, its not like DH can feed him. I think I will be giving him some instruction tomorrow.