Kids coming first

[lushlozzie1984]

What is so wrong with putting your children first? I've had 3 kids in 4 years and yes...my life has become all about kids...to me that's beautiful and normal but to everyone else I have attachment issues!! How can I not get attached? When you go from feeling them in the womb....to seeing them for the first time...to watching them take their firsts...to being there for them when they fall...to kissing them to bed every night...how can I not get attached. It's called love....and we fall in love with our children. What is so wrong with that? I don't think children should be seen and not heard. I believe they should be encouraged to come out of their little shells and say "hey world here I am...look at what I've learnt to do". But no....I'm an over obsessed mother apparently...that's enough now kids...to your corner please. I understand there's time for play and time for adults...but people who aren't interested to even greet my children...I find very upsetting and very insulting. This is for all those kids out there who deserve to be recognised...I'm interested....and yes, that's amazing what you can do!!!

I agree - I only have one and she is the centre of my universe. I've given up hobbies that I've loved for years because I want to spend all of my free time with my child. It doesn't bother me and I'm not ashamed of it - I didn't chose to feel like this - just my maternal instinct kicking in.

I've cut off friends who decided to completely ignore the fact that I'd had a child - I don't expect everyone to be as endeared by my child as I am but a quick "how's the baby" isn't too much to ask!!

Is it one person in particular you're talking about? Or just a general attitude?
Nothing wrong with putting your children first and of course it's rude to ignore anyone including a child.
However, I think it can be dull (especially if you don't have children) if all someone talks about is their kids.
By all means love your children but just don't expect everyone else to feel the same.

Children are very important indeed. They don't have to be first in everything, but I have certainly changed things to be with my son and make him feel important.

You mean people you meet that ignore your children and just talk to you? Wow. That is rude.

I feel there is a bit more background to your post that maybe you need to share.....

Quite right your children should be your main priority but also it's not against the law to put yourself 1st occasionally too.

You love your children because they are yours and as you said you felt them in your womb etc etc because of this you think everything your children do is amazing and wonderful, unfortunately no one else has that same bond you do. To you a scribble on a piece of paper might be the best thing in the world but to the rest of the world no one else gives a shit tbh and trying to hold a conversation with a toddler especially 1 that isn't yours can quite honestly be like pulling teeth. I love my children obviously because they're are mine but to be honest I don't really like other people's children - sorry if that offends anyone.
That said I would never ignore a child more tolerate through gritted teeth

There is no contest between the important people in your life.

If you desired your DC as you desire your DH, you'd be locked up. If you tended to your DH as you did your DC, chances are he's be utterly pissed off with being infantilised. Not to mention all the differences between other important people in your life.

As you can tell, I don't like the whole concept of "rating" in these circumstances.

Yes, you will give your time to those who physically need it to most. But that's just what people do, not a competitive ranking.

And yes, some people aren't terribly interested in children, or are in a hurry, or are bound up with something in their own lives. They may be deliberately or accidentally rude. Your role is to teach your DC that such people exist, and the healthy ways of dealing with any such encounters.

Venting on here might indeed be one of those ways.

But if it's not just a vent - has something specific happened - then what you have posted would be way over the top.

There is a big difference between attachment and obsession. You seem very defensive about it, what's it about?
Who called you an over-obsessed mother?

AuntieStella puts it very well, some parents mothers can be totally obsessed with their children to the point of ignoring their partner/friends/parents/siblings/neighbours etc.

Of course my child is important to me - but there is no 'ranking' - I want my child to understand that I have important relationships with other people - including my husband/elderly parents/colleagues at work/people in the community etc etc. Some children are raised to think the world revolves around them and I don't think that is healthy.

And we've all met someone who when asked politely 'How is your baby/child?' can bore on for ever about sleeping/feeding/potty training/school/friendship issues/exam results .......... it goes on and on. .

I agree to an extent. I've always put DC's needs first too. DH spends his 'pocket money' on beer and books, mine has generally been spent on DC etc. Same when we go clothes shopping. Their clothes are more designer mine M and S or Sainsbury! When their activities clashed with my own theirs took priority.

But as PP said, I think they're marvellous because they're mine. I've never expected everyone else to feel the same (except DM and MIL!). Friends will be interested in you too, not just what your DC are doing, especially if they don't have DC. They found you fun and interesting before DC and want to spend time with that person not just 'mummy you'.

I would be surprised if someone ignored DC entirely but DC were also taught not to continually interrupt when adults are talking. What is 'cute' for a toddler is bad manners in an older child or teen.

I agree with others who've asked what's the situation behind your post?

To pretty much any parent their children are the most amazing, most talented, most interesting children that ever lived. To other people they are normal children who can be quite dull or annoying. That isn't an excuse for being rude and blanking them but it is perfectly fine not to be particularly interested in them.

I don't know exactly what you mean by always putting your children first. If you aren't teaching them that it isn't polite to interrupting people when they're talking, or playing really loudly when people are having a conversation is not a considerate thing to do then they'll have a bit of a shock when they get to school.

It is important to put yourself first too. If you're strung out and exhausted from running round after your children all the time (I don't mean meeting their basic needs here) then you won't be able to be a very good parent.

It is perfectly possible to be obsessed with your children. It's also very rare to find a parent who doesnt love their children. It seems strange you've had these comments unless you maybe are a bit of an
Obsessed parent

Ragwort puts it very well.
It's all very well letting your life revolve around your children when they're young as long as you're prepared to let them go when they're older. Noone wants to be that cringing parent 'hanging out' with their older/adult children all the time, dependant on them for a social life.

Just make sure you're friends/partner/hobbies haven't been so neglected there's nothing to return to.

I don't expect my friends to show any interest in my dd, why should they? They do of course but I don't expect it. And neither do I always expect dd to be there when I see my friends. That's a playdate, not a social life.

I don't think children need to come first every time. My son is mine and my partner's first. We adore him but he has caused some problems with our relationship because he has always come first and everything has been about him.

As a result, when it's his bedtime we are stricter on him being in bed. It's our time. He also goes to his nana every so often so we can go can go to the cinema and dinner. We also still meet up with friends and family without him sometimes.

The problem with children is they grow up and if you have made your life revolve around children, you are not left with much when they grow up and leave.

I'm with PP - we need more detail.

Is it a jealous/shallow person ... or someone worried?
I used to go for long periods without eating and missed medical appointments as my dd "came first" ... In hindsight I was behaving obsessed and anxious. In the middle of it I would have denied it and called them child haters.

Or have you perhaps spoken so glowingly of your kids they feel you're putting all other parents/kids down? I know some mums like that, and sometimes you do have to bite your lip as they tell you "my child eats only organic quinoa and can speak mandarin..." etc.

Wow! Thanks so much for everyone's responses and I value them very much. I agree about obsession...I am not obsessed about my children, I have a husband of 8 years and work 2 night's a week at Tescos, so I have other areas of my life which I am very proud of. Last night I had an uncle around. He came over for dinner at 7:30 which is around the time I put my kids to bed. I said to the kids that I would let them stay up only to say hello and that we wanted peace and quiet while we were having dinner. They were brilliant...they were so happy to see him and we're good as gold. While we were eating which was at 7:30...roxy came in to the kitchen quietly and asked me something...to which I said, we are having our dinner it can wait....and he said very rudely to her "come on, just give us 5 minutes at least!" It hurt me........that he would say that to my child when she was being so good. I know adult time is important, I have 6 nephews and nieces, I've been on the other end of the spectrum. But I'd always show some form of interest to the kids, even if it was simply asking about their day. It is very true that some people can't relax or related to adults when there are children around...in my world, I'm more relaxed around my children than without them....isn't that being a mom :)

In my house he'd have had dinner with a child. :)

I wouldn't be too offended over his remark if he is otherwise good with the kids.

I think perhaps you've over reacted a little to your uncle's comment. It wasn't people in general referring to children not being put first but one person specifically commenting on your dc interrupting dinner. If people I loved and who knew me well said that I was obsessing I'd be tempted to listen to them. If you're talking about "people in general" I'm not really sure who you're talking about- everyone I know (with and without kids) understands that children ultimately come first to their parents. Do people regularly say that you "obsess"?

Unless I've misunderstood the situation, you put your daughter to bed and then she came down and interrupted dinner to ask you a question. Can you see how to an unbiased observer that might not look like she was being "as good as gold"? It sounds like your uncle was really over the top in his comment to her but I think your reaction is also a bit out of proportion (unless there's more back story to this than you've mentioned).