Am I getting this all wrong or is it just really this hard?

[RedWineLush]

I've name changed/rejoined but have been around, mainly as a lurker for years (pom bears, penis beaker, naice ham etc)

So my question is this - should it be this hard or can i do things to make it easier and if so, what? In other worlds......help!

I'm have a supportive partner and two children, aged 2 and 4. I work part-time - stressful job. I generally consider myself to be a fairly relaxed parent with attachment tendencies - I don't feel comfortable with naughty step stuff and not really sure if works but maybe I am getting it all wrong. And then, when I am not relaxed and I'm knackered i turn into horrible shouty, ranty mum....all very normal I am sure.

The thing is, it is so bloody knackered. So a typical day here in school holidays: about 6, 2 year old wakes (she is either in my bed or I am in hers at this point which took place in the early hours to enable me to get some sleep so I have been kicked for 6 hours.) She is immediately stressy about crying/whinging about what she is wearing. She does not become happier until she is dressed (in her own choice obviously!) and has had breakfast/watching Peppa, preferably all while being held by me. 4 year old wakes pretty quickly and also demanding and grumpy. I do insist on p and qs and so on - constant battle.

The day continues, as one would expect, relentlessly with two small children and they only really seem happy when they have my undivided attention. 4 year old has quite significant physical health issues and often has major meltdowns over minor things that can continue for hours. He is also highly anxious/obsessional. Partner and I try to stay calm, lots of cuddles, time in and so on.

Trigger points for both of them is getting dressed/undressed, going out/coming in, mealtimes, people coming or going .....you get the jist! Some days I feel like I am walking on eggshells.

And then bedtime, always a battle, always tears and wrestling into PJs and silliness. Start at about half six as neither sleep in the day and both knackered and normally at least 2 hours before both asleep. So tonight, they are both still awake and performing having been up since 6.30 and disturbed night last night. Oh and today - 2 parks, lots of one:one time and play, swimming pool and day with both parents there.

Needless to say we are both exhausted, having nothing left for each other (so I will probably be posting in relationships soon), we try really hard to be good parents. So what, if anything, are we doing wrong or is this just normal (i.e. the 14 hour days every day). BTW, so not to drip feed, we have no family support so only time away from the kids they are in child care and we are in work. No babysitters or anything.

Blimey, just realised that was long! If you got to the end, congratulations - any thoughts and observations welcome!

TIA

Reading this post sounds so familiar. This is an average day for us too, difference is we have a 19 week old and 2.5 year old. We luckily don't have any problems with LO just the general demands that a baby has cuddles,feeds and attention but our toddler is really testing our patience. Everything is a battle getting dressed, undressed, bathed,meal times and recently bedtime. She has to do EVERYTHING herself and if we intervene she'll cry and whinge and
go back to the beginning. She is a good child nursery have no problems with her it's when she gets home!!
I'm hoping it's an 'age thing' that won't last much longer haha.

I really don't think you are doing anything wrong I really do just think they're hard work!

Thank you Littlebaggies, that is reassuring! Nice to know we are not alone. If it is any consolation, I think it is a bit easier now then 2 years ago in some ways!

That's good to know! I must admit I have been worrying about what days will be like with a 4 & 2yr old.

5 and 3 and same here. Both high maintenance demanding DC. I tend to try and go out all day to keep them busy and me sane. They are generally good at school but can be wild at home and push boundaries constantly

I only have one, and some days I find it relentless and very hard and it doesn't sound like I'm dealing with all the issues you are.

I think your number 1 priority should be to sort out your 2 year old's sleep issues. You NEED sleep if you are going to tackle what you need to during the day, particularly if your DS is unwell.

I know you've said you'd prefer to do gentle methods, and there are certainly gentle sleep training options, so I'd say your first port of call should be researching on that to ensure she is sleeping through and NOT relying on you to settle again in the early hours. That's just a bad habit and is not necessary. Could you potentially afford a sleep consultant who specialises in gentle methods?

She (or potentially both of them) might be overtired if they are not napping in the day. I find my DS's 2 hour nap an absolute godsend. Just to get some peace in the day - and for you some potentially quiet time with your DS could be great. Not sure how easy it would be to start her napping at this age however.

My other comment (and I am no expert) is that it sounds like you are potentially battling on too many fronts. Like having an argument every day about what DD wears - could you lay out 3 tops and 3 bottoms and let her pick so she feels she is getting choice without it turning into a battle? Are there some things you can let slide?

Hope some of this might help. You sound lovely and as if you are just in a down spell at the moment - it won't always be like this!

Again, I am glad to know it is not just me! I really appreciate everyone taking the time to post.

Thank you for your thoughts MrsNuckyT. You are right about the 2 year old sleep issues. She has always been an atrocious sleeper - woke every 45 minutes until she was 1 and has pretty much always semi co-slept so where we are now seems pretty good! I will look into a sleep consultant - I didn't know that there were ones who did gentle methods. She dropped her nap at 18 months when I weaned her off the breast. These days, she won't even nap on a five hour car journey - she is a hard nut!

As for clothes - I would try anything! I have tried laying out two/three tops and bottoms - results in screaming, throwing them on the floor and wanting to pick something else. I have tried chatting with her and suggesting options at her wardrobe which generally also makes her mad! I have tried just ignoring, going downstairs and giving her free reign - I don't really care what she wears anymore so I do pick my battles. But she will pull everything out of her wardrobe and drawers, try everything on and stamp on everything which drives DP crazy! We have also tried pinning her down and saying you are wearing this and dressing her which results in, you guessed it, a tantrum and undressing herself very quickly! Sigh, kids eh!

I have just started doing Time Outs with my 2.5yo and it has been really effective.

He is not allowed to tantrum and scream now or it is Time Out in another room for a couple minutes. He calms down quickly and we then have a cuddle and sometimes a "sorry, Mummy."

I thought he was too young/ it wouldn't work for him but it's been great. Have also been able to head off tantrums just by threatening it.

I think you need or take a big step back.

Your children are tired. Profoundly and seriously sleep deprived. This is why you are having to walk on egg shells so much of the time.

You need to stop the sharing bed. By the sounds of it, you aren't enjoying either. It will be tough. Tough love as the saying goes. There will be tears and bad nights but in a few weeks.... It should be better, a great deal better.

You should be aiming for at least 11 hours sleep for them both.

Once you nail the sleep issues, the morning moods, the extreme sensitivity to daily routines should enormously improve. And so will your quality of life.

Oh and my two relish sometimes just chilling at home with us. Dh gardening, me cooking, them playing, arguing, drawing, watching TV, 'helping' us. Lots of independent play. You will need to bat them away whilst you are doing your thing, but as long as you always keep your promise to play with them when you have finished, they will soon enough get the idea. Often much more pleasurable for all than a constant merry go round of parks and pools.

As for clothes, i let my two year old wear whatever. I simply take out all summer clothing in winter and vice versa. Then whatever she picks is season appropriate. If she is constantly wanting to wear something I fib and say I had to take it to a special cleaner. By the time I 'get it back', she's moved on. It's a cop out, but we are talking about a two year old here!

Thank you so much for all of your responses. It has been so helpful to reflect on how we can change things. Mrs Nucky T, we have now bit the bullet and employed Andrea Grace as a sleep consultant - we are skyping tomorrow evening. And yes EnjoyingthePeace (lets hope we are soon!) I know you are right and we need to sort out sleep.

Other than that, we have also introduced a reward marble jar system which the 4 year old is responding really well too so things seem to be getting calmer in the daytime.

So feeling happier and more confident and very grateful for all of your input and it really has given us the impetus to try and make some changes so many thanks to you all.