Feeling guilty

[Busybuzzybumblebee]

Hi all,

Been working full time since my ds was 9 months (he's 18 months now). Just had two weeks off with him as cm on holiday. First fay back tomorrow and feeling so sad and guilty. I know he likes his cm and he enjoys himself there, she really is great but it's reminded me how much I miss out on day to day and how much I genuinely love being with him. He's also slept far better these two weeks that ever. Not really sure what I'm asking just need to vent and express my sadness (my dp just doesn't understand how I feel) is this normal, do people feel like this after every extended period at home??

I've been off work for 15 months, mat leave then redundancy and now looking for a new job, which is 99% going to be full time.

I'm very excited at the thought of going back to work and think it's the right thing to do for my own sanity and career prospects but I'm worried about how much I'll miss out on with my 2 little DDs (3y and 1y).

We need the money and I definitely need the extra stimulation and think my DDs will benefit from being with other people who aren't as tired, frustrated and a bit bored as me. I can't seem to fully embrace being home all the time so our current set up isn't the best thing. So my rational side knows that work is a good thing but the ol' heart strings are really tugging at the thought of being away from them and only seeing them for an hour each evening.

I'm trying to focus on the positives which is basically quality over quantity. The full time salary will be great and will go a long way to enhancing our overall lifestyle and future opportunities (ie we'll be able save for uni for the girls and potentially pay off the mortgage early). I won't have to do the daily grudge (wiping down the high chair a gazillion times, battling with dd1 over what dress she will/won't wear, going to soft play) during the week and should be able to do all my admin jobs then too (online food shop, finances, buying birthday presents/cards at lunchtimes, haircuts) so that the weekends will be freed up for quality time with the DDs.

That's the plan anyway.

I don't think I'll feel guilty as such, more selfish and sad at missing out on the day to day stuff, even though I'm not really loving the day to day stuff. Gah. Such a conflict.

My DS is a similar age (21 months) and I also went back full time when he was 9 months old.

I am a teacher in a College so I'm very fortunate to have the school holidays, but this is my third week back after summer and I'm having a down day

My ds loves his nursery and does so much there but I do feel guilty that it's not me doing all of those things.

To make matters worse, he is usually tired after nursery, so I feel like during the week I get the worst time of day with him because he's grumpy. He does enjoy his bath and bedtime stories though so we make this special time each evening.

I've no advice really - I think most (if not all) people feel as we do and the guilt is part of being a parent.

I just try my best to make the weekends nice and try to do things with DS during that time e.g. park/library/swimming/day out etc.

I shop online so we don't have to do that and I do housework when he's in bed at night - it means I don't sit down much in the evening or have much 'me' time but it's a compromise so that I can devote Sat/Sun to DS.

Being a teacher means I often have to do marking etc. at home but again, I do it when DS is sleeping. Although, I am now much better at using the few free periods I have at work to do marking etc. so that I have less to do at home.

I know the feeling, I went back to Uni when my little girl was 2 months old as well as working 16 hours. I felt heart broken every time I left her, I felt like I was missing out on so much. But she wouldn't have what she did if I didn't work.
It honestly felt like a no win situation, she turned two in June a couple of months before I thought enough was enough, I was so tired all the time, moody, my relationship was breaking down.
I thought enough was enough, start doing some part time work at home now I do it around my little girl.
Honesty the best decision I have ever made, I was lucky to be given the opportunity and I had defiantly hit the wall of ambition to work around her. Finally made it a success ???? guys there is light at the end of the tunnel x