Disagree with ex on child meeting new partners

[Torchlight86]

Me and my ex have been separated almost 3 years now, we have a 3 year old together and although he treated me appallingly during our relationship have had a pretty good relationship since we split with regards to our son.

We have both started new relationships, I have been seeing someone for about 4 months now, they have not met my son and I do not have any immediate plans for this to happen, I do no see any need to expose him to someone this soon for many different reasons I'm sure most sane people can appreciate

My ex has been seeing a lady for 1 month...and has taken my son and her and her daughter away this weekend while I'm at work. I had a bit of a problem with this and we had a massive argument about it the other day, he just cannot see that it isn't appropriate to be exposing our child to someone you have only just met! A month is way too soon in my opinion, how can you know anything about someone in that short time?

We have both been left feeling bitter and he actually said 'this is what happens when I tell the truth, if I'd just said it was me going away we wouldn't have argued!' That is his attitude to life, if it's easier to lie, then lie!! I know the more I push the issue the more he will push against it!

He has also been pressuring me to let him take our son on holiday abroad which I have totally refused to allow! I do not want to be in a totally different country to my 3 year old child and I believe this is pretty reasonable although he thinks I am being totally unreasonable!

I am one of life's worriers and he seems to think this makes me a worse parent, he said once with regards to them both going camping 'I thought about all the things you were going to ask about safety and made sure I'd covered them before I told you, that's what it's like with you!' As if that's a bad thing? Surely it's sensible to take precautions such as making sure the tent is locked so he can't sneak out at night, I understand the chances of that are slim but what harm can come of covering all bases!!

He is a good father and he does a lot with our son, but I find I am constantly the one who has to just suck it up and suffer while he manages to get what he wants! How can I make him understand that it's too soon for our son to be meeting someone, he has a really bad track record with woman and I know within a few weeks he will be split from this woman and with someone else! I don't want our child thinking this is normal behaviour!! Any advice much appreciated! Thanks

Maybe you missed my post upthread?

'So why do you bend over backwards op? Don't let him mess about and only give you a couple of hours notice of when he's picking up your son, you're allowing him to do it then moaning about it, stop it. Set dates and times and stick to them, then you all know what you're doing and you can make your own plans

And there's no reason why he shouldn't take him abroad, as you can too, he's an equal parent'

I think this all really stems from the fact that I believe I do try to make his life easier and accommodate him and I believe he does not afford me the same respect! That's what I think it all comes down to!

With regards to the access I full understand that he is working full time and trying to have a social life as well as be a father and I honestly do try and accomodate him as I know it must be difficult, on a week too week basis I don't have any issue with him leaving it til the last minute to confirm a time etc although yes I do have a couple of issues, I wish he maybe recognised the effort I put into trying to make his life easier although as pointed out that's not something I should expect or try and force, and secondly on the couple of occasions I have asked for his help with regards to him having him a few hours early or on a specific instead of random weekend I have been presented with a straight no! Not no sorry I really can't change my days at work or no sorry I'm too busy etc!

These are obviously petty annoyances I have that have no baring on his parenting or ability as a father, but I think everyone at some point feels they are giving more than receiving or being under appreciated!

So then don't do it! He's your ex, you don't have to please him and make his life easier, don't be a door mat and let him walk all over you. Make days and times, and stick to them - if he suddenly decides he can't make it, that's his tough luck

Your son will be going to school in a year or so, so things will have to be firmed up then, you might as well start now

"I accept that I cannot control what he does when he's with him, I can control whether he goes abroad now or in a year or two though and unfortunately nothing is going to change my mind on that matter!" no, you can't. Your ex could quite easily get a court order to be able to take his child abroad and you would have no choice but to comply.

You are being completely unreasonable and tbh you are running the risk that your anxiety will be damaging to your ds. You are not his main parent, you may be his primary carer but your ex is an equal parent to you and you have no right to dictate to him how he is with your ds, what he does or who he introduces him to. People parent differently. I'm sure your ex doesn't think that your anxiety is good for your ds either, but you presumably wouldn't be very happy if he started to try to control what you did and said and how you were with your ds when he is with you.

There are plenty of threads on here from people who grew up with parents who tried to control their relationships with the non resident parent, most of them are no longer in contact with their resident parent.

Op I understand the feeling of not knowing everything that goes on in your ds' life while he is with his dad. But that is just part and parcel of being a separated parent. The reality is that your ds won't be a child for ever, and the decisions you make now will affect him as he grows up, and will influence what he thinks of you when he becomes an adult and learns to think more for himself. He won't thank you for being obstructive over his father taking him on holiday. You have to do what is best for your ds, not what is best for you.

My ds is currently abroad with his dad for two weeks. Admittedly he is older, however on Friday night, and again yesterday morning he was in tears saying he didn't want to go and doesn't want to be away for me for that long. (I have always been primary carer and was a sahm when he was growing up). It would have been the easiest thing in the world for me to say that he didn't have to go and to tell his dad he wasn't going but staying here with me. But he does have a good relationship with his dad, and making a decision like that would be for my benefit not his, because I couldn't bear to see him upset.

Your ds has the right to an equal relationship with both of his parents. If your anxiety is stopping that then you need to seek professional help from your gp. But you have no right to prevent that equal relationship. And you would be far better agreeing to let your ex take him abroad than to be the subject of a court order forcing you to do so. Because believe me, no court would allow you to prevent your child's father from taking him on holiday.

It's not being a door mat! It's being considerate of someone else's busy life and trying to accomodate them as best as I can! For my sons sake as well as his! The only issue I have is that after 3 years of doing the best I can for him with regards to understanding and access etc, the first time we have a disagreement about something (whether my son should be introduced to a love interest so early) all that goes out the window and I'm just some crazy irrational mental mother who is trying to stop her son going away with his father (I never wanted to stop it) and how hard done to is my ex because he has to buy extra blankets for the tent and a 2 quid luggage lock because of my mentalness!! Perhaps it's two separate issues and I'm merging them together but i just hoped he would afford me the same respect and understanding I had him, maybe more of a 'I know you're going to worry but I've got extra blankets and a lock for the tent so he can't get out without me and yes only knowing this woman for a month is a short time but don't worry I'll be with him the whole time he won't be alone with her and she really lovely to him they get on great!' There!! job done and we didn't have to have a 3 hour row about it and both walk away feeling shit!! x

Slightly off topic, but who (apart from your ex on your insistence) LOCKS a tent when they are asleep inside it?! Surely that is incredibly dangerous if there was a fire. And even if not, it's just odd..

Wannabe have you read the numerous times I have said I am not dictating to him, he sees him when he wants, they do what they want, my 'anxiety' has never once stopped him from doing anything he wanted to do! My son has no desire to go abroad at the moment, I have not said to my ex no you cannot take him abroad, I have told him that I would not feel comfortable with this at the age he is at and I would be happier if he were to wait a year, of course he could go to the courts and honestly I know nothing about this type of thing as to wether they would allow it or not but that's all a little extreme for the sake of a week in Spain a year early don't you think?

My ex wants to take him abroad because he wants to go abroad, he has openly said this, so my argument has been he can go, he doesn't need to take our son with him, and to his credit that's what he's done, booked himself a holiday and we have agreed we will discuss it again when he is older!

As I also stated in a previous post my son had expressed to me numerous times he didn't want to go this weekend with his dad, I didn't tell his dad he had said this and I told him 'of course you do, you'll have a lovely time, you'll be in a tent, how exciting, and daddy will take you on all the rides and to the beach' etc etc when we first discussed him going away with his new girlfriend my ex actually threw his toys out of the pram and instead of having a calm chat like I though we would he said he refused to take him in that case and I had to persuade him that he should, even though I would have felt much better saying ok great don't then!!

Please don't tell me to parent differently, that's incredibly offensive and I am a good mother, the 50 million things that any parent worries about on a day to day basis remain just that, my worries, my son does what he wants and goes where he wants, I smile and wave him off as he goes to do things that worry me, I am a mother, not someone who needs to seek advice from a gp for worrying!

It's actually some advice I got from numerous avid campers on this very website, I agree with your concern about the fire and actually in the end after discussing the safest option we agreed that keeping the tent zips at the top where he couldn't reach them was safest, I didn't go that far in depth when I fist mentioned it as it was a further discussion we had about it that resulted in us just moving the zips!

I'm sorry but you are being a doormat, you let him dictate if and when he's going to come and pick your son up, he doesn't give you sufficient notice to allow you to make your own plans, it's ridiculous

Make a proper arrangement, and stick to it

Regarding foreign holidays, of course your son hasn't expressed a wish to go away - he's 3, he doesn't know about it, but there's no reason why he shouldn't, and before he starts school is the best time, when you don't have to go in school holidays

op, you said in previous posts that you lay awake at night worrying about what will happen if something were to happen to you, what if your son found you dead or something. that level of anxiety really isn't healthy and for your own sake yes, you should seek professional help.

Everyone lies awake some nights worrying about something, and actually to be totally accurate at the time this happened I had a health scare, and although thank god everything was fine for a few months I was in genuine concern for my health. So yes if I were to lie awake every night worrying about ridiculous things I maybe would need professional help, but if everyone who had ever spent a few nights unable to sleep because of money, relationship, health etc stresses, we'd all be there! :) x

If a bunch of randoms on the internet who have (and this is important) only have your side of the story think you are being a doormat, then you are being a doormat. And you can bet your boots your Ex thinks you are a doormat.

Ok thanks for all the doormat comments but that's really not the issue here, also if I were a doormat surely if roll over and let him do whatever he wanted with our child, take him abroad, meet his new girlfriend etc you can't have it both ways! I am as accommodating as I can be within my own comfort! That's not a doormat that's a considerate parent who wants to make a horrible split as easy for everyone involved! And like I said it suits me at the moment, it doesn't cause major issues to my life, if it start doing then things will have to change, but what's the point in me imposing rules about times of pick up when it doesn't actually affect me! Surely that's just being difficult for the sake of it?! X

I know something is just as likely to happen with me as with him but the difference is as a mother or parent you want to be there for your child and if something were to happen and I wasn't there I just feel it would be so much worse! I know he would just want his mummy and I wouldn't be there and that's the scary thing!

Don'the you think your ex feels like this aswell if something happens to your DC whilst they are with you and not he wasn't there?

I actually agree with wannabe

Plus if he did in the future go to court to get permission to take your DC away it would be very unusual under the circumstances for it not to be granted. The court would most likely see no issue with your ex taking his son on holiday.

But it does affect you - from your earlier posts you feel you're 'jumping through hoops'
'this is not convenient for me at all as I can never arrange things with friends at such short notice'
you missed exercise classes then gave up because he was messing you around - that's being a doormat

Just stop it now

Actually for 1 I know my ex doesn't not think like this because we've had numerous discussions about it in the past! And 2 I actually said previously instead of saying no you're not taking him away, and then taking him myself I said I would be very uncomfortable with him going away at this age and being away from him for so long etc and because of this I would respect that it was the same both ways and until we both agreed it was a suitable age neither of us should take him abroad!

He has never once expressed an interest in anything to do with going abroad, he has been exposed to all things to do with being abroad and has had every opportunity to express interest in it like he does so many other things! If he were to show an interest I would reevaluate my opinion as of course as his mother I want him to do all the things he wants, I know as as stated I have been told my ex only wants to take him because he wants a holiday and he has no friends to go with! This is not a good reason to take him and also his idea of a holiday is to relax by the pool all day which as everyone can appreciate is not what a 3 year old wants to do!! It wouldn't be a 'relaxing' sleep by the pool all day drink all night holiday that I know he actually wants!

I appreciate everyone's comments and to be honest the main issue was not the holiday as we have come to some sort of mutual 'we'll wait til next year and discuss it' agreement, it was honestly more the prospect of our son being exposed to numerous different love interests in his fathers life and how this could affect him. His father is a massive womaniser and does not stick with the same woman for more that a few months at most, I want my son to grow up and have a healthy understanding of relationships,not watch his father going from one disaster to the other cheating and lying his way through relationships (this is not a go he would openly admit this himself) and ultimately being sad and alone!

How would a 3yr old 'express an interest in going abroad'

Irrespective of your wants for him you are now longer with his father and as such you cannot control every finite detail of his life and movements when with his father.

You are being very disrespectful to your ex and actually you are starting to sound jealous.

You are being massively unreasonable on all points op sorry

The same as he expresses an interest in going on a train, he might say he wants to go on a plane, he might say he wants to go where it sunny, he understands there are different places and they are hotter and there are beaches etc!

Honestly I feel like I'm being a normal parent who worries about there child as I'm sure everyone does, who hasn't refused my ex anything merely wanted to talk about it like rational adults! How many of you would be happy for your son to be exposed to numerous different women, all of whom could be anyone I think that's irresponsible! Honestly I know everyone's just reading this and expressing an opinion but hand on heart I could not be less jealous, I genuinely hope he does settle down and have a loving relationship, but he will tell you as freely as me he is not a relationship person!

I think people are picking at bits that I've said and blowing them out of proportion, I'm just a normal mum with a fine relationship with her ex who wants everyone to get along and be happy who worries about things like every other parent does and most of all I just think it's so unnecessarily for him to be exposed to love interests at such an early stage! I have maintained a 6 month relationship and have had no need to introduce my son and my fella as yet, when me and him are both ready I will.

And yes this woman is probably fine, and she's probably nice to my son and if there were anything obviously untoward about her I am sure my partner would recognise this. But the point is as well as the emotional confusion it's going to cause my son, the more people he is exposed to in a home type trusting environment the more chance one of them is not to be a good person!

I wonder if people would see it differently were it me who was bring men I'd known for weeks month etc home to sleep in the same house as my boy, see me bathe him and dress him etc only for them to be replaced the next month with someone else?

Let me finally say this one last time, not once have I refused to let my son do anything with my ex, we've never argued about his upbringing for the last 3 years, this issue is an issue but I haven't said he can't see her, he can't spend time with her anything, just that my ex needs to be responsible and recognise that this maybe isn't going to be a long term thing and until he's more sure of it there is no need for my son to meet her/them!

I honestly don't think that it is unreasonable to ask him to think about these things in the future!

I've no idea bubbles I was wondering that myself

op, your ds is three. Honestly at three he isn't going to have much opinion on your ex having numerous girlfriends. Tbh I think the amount of time they've known each other is largely irrelevant (contrary to the majority view on here) because any relationship can end at any point. There are numerous threads on here from people who waited for a time before introducing their children to new partners and it doesn't all go wrong until they've moved in together and the families haven't managed to blend.....

There will almost always be differences in opinions on how children are treated by virtue of the fact that you are ex's who most likely split for legitimate reasons which meant you were incompatible. the idea that "she could be anyone," is hysterical. Even if he'd known this woman for a year before introducing her to your child she could still "be anyone," as could your current partner.

Your ds is three. There is a very good chance that he will be introduced to more than one partner on both sides during the course of his life. It's not ideal, but as he grows up he will form his own opinions anyway.

Hysterical?! Of course anyone can be anyone you can know some one for years and they can turn out to be an undesirable but come on seriously? You can't even form a proper first impression when you've known someone a month! Thank you for all your comments but no one has managed to convince me that it is a positive thing for our son, I'll live my life the way I think it should be and introduce my son when I see fit, if my ex thinks it right to introduce him earlier than I have no power to stop this, but I am damn well entitled to have the opinion that it is wrong! I'm leaving this post now I've taken all the 'advice' I can stand :) have a great day everyone :) x

Why do people post asking for advice when what they really want is for everyone to just validate their opinion???

I tried to help you OP, as I am as anxious as you are and I think you are a bit in denial about it being an issue.