Struggling with 5 week old

[MissTwister]

I'm really struggling with my 5 week old. She gets into a feeding frenzy from the moment she wakes (early) until she goes to bed (getting later and later). She constantly gives food cues and looks distraught but when I try to feed her she sometimes eats and sometimes does nothing. She overeats I think as she is often sick after a frenzy. I can't put her down to slee anymore when she used to sleep beautifully in sleepyhead/ snuz pod, now she just screams. She gets overtired from constant feeding and then finds it even harder to sleep. She won't take a dummy.

Everyone keeps telling me this is normal and it's okay but I don't feel like this is okay for me as it's getting me really down. I can't even get into the shower most days, I just sit in bed feeding her/ having her sleep on me and watching shit TV, i'm living on biscuits during the day and crucially I am missing out on making some much needed mum friends in the area as I can't get out to any of the meet ups I'm invited to.

I didn't expect it to be easy but I also am struggling to accept that this is my life now just sat here day after day, exhausted, bored and lonely. I'm also really scared this will just go on and on as she was 4 weeks prem

Is this really normal as people I know who've had babies at a similar time don't seem to be going through this - they're always out and about having fun and enjoying their babies.

If I formula feed will this help at all? Any tips anyone to save my sanity?

re where the muslin goes, I used to put it in the cot tucked in over the sheet so it wouldn't get pulled out and laid my son on top of it, but inside babygro would work too.

And agree with the leg cycling for wind. Used to make my son fart like anything!
PS there aren't any silly questions, particularly when you're sleep deprived! I only knew to try the muslin thing because someone else told me. Hope it works.

My advice is to just get out the house! With my first baby it seemed impossible to do because there was never any gap in the feed, nap (fallen asleep on me while feeding so I can't move), change cycle. But with my second baby I decide we're going out and we just go. If she wants milk I'll feed her when we get there. If she is due a nappy change I'll do it when we get there. If she's overdue a nap then she'll have to cry for five minutes while I put my shoes on and have a wee and then she can nap in the car or pushchair. That way you get to make all those mummy contacts that you need, and the practicalities of looking after a baby seem much less stressful in a mini rhyme time group or wherever it is you might be.

Two suggestions - firstly, both of mine had silent reflux - they would feed which gave them painful reflux so they'd then cry and want to feed more as the milk soothes the reflux on the way down but then obviously causes it - it's a vicious circle. Meds from the GP helped massively.

Secondly - some excellent advice given to me which I also found worked with friends' babies: I BFd and my first used to give hunger cues all the time - head-bobbing, snuffling etc. Turns out it is very common for babies to show hunger cues when they've got wind. They're looking for comfort and mummy's breast is the ultimate when they're in discomfort. So i used to wind, wind, wind like crazy after every feed - don't stop when you get one burp, keep going. This helped massively and I found DD was much more settled and soon got into a great feeding routine with decent gaps in between. I also found Infacol great - use it with every feed, it gets better the more you use it as it has a cumulative effect. Good luck. X

How are things now op? I promise you things will get easier. Those early weeks are so hard. Try to keep persevering with the breastfeeding. Once you've got it sorted, it will be less hassle than bottle feeding.

I couldn't breastfeed in my sling but the sling was still so useful. It meant I had hands free to make a cup of tea.

It's very early for baby groups. I think I got to my first group around 7 weeks. It was a mum and baby yoga class and she fed almost the whole time so I couldn't actually do the yoga! You've got plenty of time to get out to groups in a few weeks.

I used to put mine in her sleepyhead while I went to have a shower. I could get it done in less than 3 minutes, it made me feel SO much better that I cared less about the crying. In the scheme of things, 3 minutes is fine! Then the hairdryer sound seemed to soothe her enough for me to get into the groove of showering and hair drying every day. I also sometimes put her in the bath with me - let the water mostly out and left her lying in an inch or so while I got out and quickly towelled myself dry enough to put on a t-shirt and shorts so I could get her out - then ditto with the hair dryer.

I have big boobs and couldn't feed in a sling either, but putting her in a stretchy while I put a ready meal in the oven was good. Sometimes it's hard to put up with 5 minutes of screaming, but if you just HAVE to do something while they scream in a sling and are determined to get it done, it gives them enough time to calm down - time that you wouldn't have given them had you not had the task to do. If you see what I mean.

Anyway... it gets better, honestly.

It does get better I promise. Once they are aware of their tongue they appear to be rooting all the time, but sometimes they are just sticking their tongue out. I was getting my boobs out all the time thinking my DD was rooting.

I had days where I wasn't able to have a shower so for a few days I would shower at night when DH was home, and just get myself out in the day showered or not. The mother and baby groups are the best places to feed or breast feeding support groups, and either a muslin or a wide patterned thin scarf is always handy for feeding until you are more confident.

They smell milk on you which is why she might be a little calmer when your DH or Mum takes her off you. This will settle though. My DD is now 11 weeks and there is a massive difference now to how she was in the first six weeks. I force myself out on bad days even if its just walking around the block, she generally falls asleep in her pram or sling once I get moving.

Try different dummies too if you want x

Thanks for all your responses they've been so helpful.

I think she may have bad wind as she does cry ask to feed a lot but then if I can calm her to sleep she does so for a good hour or so so can't be hungry. Will wind more!

I also went to doctor to get some infant gaviscon so if winding doesn't work will try this.

And thanks for the words of encouragement on getting out and baby groups - it just seemed to me that everyone else was sorted and getting out and about!

crucially I am missing out on making some much needed mum friends in the area as I can't get out to any of the meet ups I'm invited to.

Seems like you're putting a fair bit of pressure on yourself. Relax, 5 weeks is such early days. You have lots of time to meet other mums and do groups etc.

At this stage I'd advise simply following the baby's needs and letting other people help you as much as possible. She's still so little, all she wants is the reassurance of mummy. Have a read about the 4th trimester, it was a real eye-opener for me.

On a practical level, can you ask someone to do a shop for you and stock you up on ready meals, cereal, instant noodles etc? Basically things that can be made and eaten quickly or one-handed. Since she can't really go in a sling, do you have a bouncer you can bring into the kitchen with you while you make yourself meals/snacks? And she can sit in that while you're in the shower. I understand not wanting to put her down because she cries but at some point you HAVE to take care of your needs too. If she's safe, been fed, in a clean nappy and is in the room with you then don't feel bad leaving her to cry while you wash your hair and enjoy a scrub.

DS likes to have a Muslim square beside his face while he sleeps during the day. God knows why but he sleeps longer and is much calmer when he has one there. Also, when putting him to bed I take off the top I've been wearing that day and wrap it round the mattress in his Moses basket so he has the comfort of my smell. We've found he wakes less in the night with that there.

My MIL suggested infacol in the bottles because he wasn't getting wind up very well and was having real problems with trapped wind. It's worked a treat, although we only put one dropper in every other bottle. Also if your DD kicking her feet quite hard and a lot that could be a sign of trapped wind/ discomfort.

I cried with relief when someone gave us a vibrating bouncer and DS finally allowed me to put him down for short periods without crying! Also getting out for walks is good because he enjoys the motion of the pram and will be quiet for most of the time we're out, you could give that a try.

Don't be afraid to ask people around you for help. There's this perception that having a baby is all about instincts and you'll know what to do and how to do things. It's not true, parenthood is a huge learning curve for most people and I don't think we (humans) were meant begin motherhood in the isolation we seem to have developed into. It takes a village to raise a child, let people help you.

Sorry for the essay but no one told me these things until he was here and I was struggling so just want to pass on as much help as possible. DS is 13 weeks and I've learned these things in that time.

Thanks so much Moira that's really helpful

That should have said muslin square, phone autocorrected!

My baby is ten months old now - please be assured this stage does pass.

Re:winding - do this often! At one stage I was winding my baby for every five mins of feeding. It was exhausting. And felt awful as every time I feed him to sleep I would then wake him back up by winding him.

I remember exclaiming in tears to the health visitor that it wasn't fair that I had to wake him up to wind him. She just shrugged her shoulders and said yes. She is a wise lady (if a little unsympathetic).

On the bright side my baby started self-settling early on and I'm convinced it's because I couldn't feed him to sleep, he had to be a bit awake to burp, so he was almost always put down in his cot slightly awake.

Also, as one big boobed lady to another, get the best bra you can and get out of the house. Once you have cracked feeding in public you will never look back

So my baby is 6 weeks today and Babycentre just sent me the weekly email telling me that the 'good news' is that now the baby will be in a routine and having naps and feeds at regular times so I can get some rest - are they for real?!

Someone needs to tell my baby who decided to awake at 5am and not settle for hours....

6 weeks here on Wednesday and absolutely no sign of any of that. Still feeding every 1 to 2 hours when she is awake and any idea of routine is laughable.

What I realised once I had several small children, including a baby and a toddler, was that the baby must be put down regardless sometimes or the toddler does not get fed or nappy changed. I used to have an attitude of " I've fed you for two hours, now you are down and I will get back to you in a minute!"

As a result the baby did scream initially but learned over time that he may as well sleep a bit. I think the younger ones were consequently more settled.

Everyone struggles through this stage. Mine were not prem, or maybe only a week or so. I found that by 9 weeks on average I had got to that stage of putting them down and them settling slightly better. So maybe 12-13 weeks in your case?

When my DD was about that age I was told recommended not to keep her up for more than 45 mins to 1hr 15mins at the max as this made her overtired and harder to settle for a nap.

So I basically fed her for about 45 mins solidly. Then changed her, then had ten mins play, then put her back to sleep. She'd sleep for about an hour and a half and then I'd repeat it all again.

Once I started to read her tired signs (jerky limbs, avoiding eye contact, yawns were considered too late!) it all fell into place.

But your baby is tiny so give yourself a break. Most people are just surviving at this stage.

All the cues that Southern talks about are the right ones to look out for.

But. (you knew that was coming)

With DD1, it worked like a dream (although she was never a brilliant daytime napper - used to nap for 45 mins at a time, three times a day.) and she slept 7-7 at 13 weeks. DD2 was a horse of a very different colour. If I pushed her to sleep, she slept for hours in the day. But night times. Not good.

I know, believe me I know, how hard it is to do this but TRY if you can manage it, not to think about how much you're not enjoying this. It's really early days.

And get into the shower. If she screams for five minutes while you shower and dry, it won't hurt her. Honestly it won't. I used to bring DD1 (and DD2 come to think of it) into the shower room with me in the bouncy share. If they roared, they roared, but I was going to get clean. It all feels so much more doable if you're showered.
Can you have a quick shower before your DH/P leaves in the morning? I used to do that too.

Poor you. I'm on my second baby who is nearly 5 weeks- he's formula fed and I'm not finding it any easier. From experience with my first I would say if you've fed her recently, changed her and burped her then put her down for 5 minutes while you shower or whatever. She won't remember, you've met her needs and you'll only be a few minutes. It gets better really soon (my one has a cold right now it's agony at night but it will improve )

I'm currently just about surviving dd who is 4weeks and ds who is 20 months. Dd has to "suffer" neglect I wouldn't have dreamed of with ds. She is put down, occasionally left to cry, feeds interrupted, left to nap in her moses-all whilst I deal with ds. As pp have said, feed her, wind and change her then put her in a bouncy chair and get a shower. If she cries then she cries, it's only for a few minutes and you need a shower!

I second the winding,and if it gets no better try the medication.

I wasn't a huge sling fan with ds but it's been great with dd. I've got a Caboo. Again, feed, change and wind then go for a walk , even if it's just around then block -you'll feel better for it.

Nicky DD2 can, and always could, roar for the British Isles. She has an incredibly loud cry. When she was about 6 weeks she was in the bouncer in the kitchen roaring her head off and I was bouncing her with my foot while I was trying to make DD1's (17mos) dinner. Next thing I realised she'd gone quiet. I looked down to catch DD1 trying to shove a blueberry into her mouth. Logical step I s'pose. It was dinner time. She was hungry, therefore her sister must be hungry, etc., etc.

The bouncing chair went on the kitchen counter after that. I would NEVER have put DD1 at such a height. Although I did stop when DD2 started bouncing so hard that the chair used to walk across the worktop.......

How are you doing today OP?

Phew. I have been properly out if the house today. Drs to register as new patient (have moved) had to feed DDI while filling forms. Sainbury for few essentials. Fed in car after screaming round the store. Vets to pick up cats medication - fed in waiting room. DS settled and slept in the car each time but woke very soon after getting out of the car.

Exhausted!!

DDI = DS.....

Nottalotta - sounds stressful!

Today has been a mixture. A good morning where she mostly napped and was happy then a not so good afternoon where she demanded to feed every 30 mins- hour and screamed if this didn't happen IMMEDIATELY but fell asleep every time after a few minutes.

I tried to distract her and play with her instead but she just was not interested. Am a bit concerned she is just asleep or feeding and not being very interactive at 6 weeks, although she was 3.5 weeks early so might explain it?

They are not supposed to be up much at this age OP. We were told to wake them so they got a big feed- tickling toes and changing nappy halfway helps. Then they get more food in one go and get used to going longer between feeds which gives you a break.

Check this site out: www.thesleepstore.co.nz/newborn-sleep

Well after an evening of screaming and feeding non stop she fell asleep at 22:30 and only woke up at 2:30 and 6 - had a whole 4 hours sleep in one go!