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Original poster

Finding it hard to adjust to life with a baby

54 replies

tinygigolo · 03/08/2015 12:56

Hi all,

I'm a first time mum with a baby daughter who is now 10 weeks old. I love her very much - but I don't enjoy being a mum and I don't feel like I'm doing a good job. I'm finding it difficult to get through every day and as the weeks go on it seems to be getting harder. She likes to be held most of the time and gets very irate very quickly whe put down. She doesn't seem to like to sleep anywhere during the day and I feel constantly on edge waiting for her to start wailing. We tried baby yoga last week which she wailed her way through and I felt terrible, so judged, like I don't even know how to keep my daughter happy. It feels like she's only satisfied when she's feeding (I am ebf)

I'm in tears most days and I know my husband is starting to worry. It's always worst on Mondays when I think "how the hell am I going to fill this week?" I spend so much time googling for ways to keep her happy and reading parent books, but they just seem to bear no resemblance to my life. I'm starting to wish I could give my pre-pregnancy self a good talking to.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

purplemunkey · 03/08/2015 15:23

I'm a FTM to a 9m old and I felt the same early on. I found the first 3-4 months very hard. Everyone said it gets easier but it just seemed to get harder. But honestly, after six months I found everything started getting a lot easier. I think it was probably a combination of things - night feeds easing off and then stopping (so longer blocks of sleep which I think makes EVERYTHING a million times better automatically), DD developing into a wriggly, smiley, giggling little baby girl rather than wailing little newborn and DP and I simply having had time to adjust.

I know it's a cliche and it's boring to hear but it really, really does get easier. Hang on in there . And congrats on your new baby

BreeVDKamp · 03/08/2015 15:26

My 10 week old is currently in the sling resisting sleep. Why don't they bloody sleep when they're tired??? Sympathies OP

BreeVDKamp · 03/08/2015 15:27

And yes to it getting harder. Why do people lie and tell you it gets easier? Not cool.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

0-3 months old Babies & sleep Families General parenting

Nolim · 03/08/2015 16:07

Bree i think it varies from one baby to another. For the majority of posters in this thread it got easier with time. I presume it was the opposite for you?

Ahemily · 03/08/2015 16:12

It does get easier, bree.

Original poster

tinygigolo · 03/08/2015 16:16

Oh my word, what lovely replies - am feeling rather teary. Thank you so much, sometimes it does feel like I'm the only one struggling with this newborn stage and everyone else finds it a piece of cake with perfectly behaved babies.

Bree, I think I'd put too much faith in people saying it got easier from 6 weeks!

OP posts:

Madratlady · 03/08/2015 16:22

Newborns are really boring and so demanding and don't really do anything. Don't worry about entertaining her at this point, chill, read, watch films or TV. Will she settle in a sling or pram? If so maybe try and get out for a short walk with her, it's good to get a change of scene.

enderwoman · 03/08/2015 16:48

It does get easier Bree!

There can be hard phases for each stages but there are periods of calm in between. Imagine being a tiny baby and not being able to scratch an itch or roll over because you've got a stiff bum?

LibrariesGaveUsPower · 03/08/2015 16:51

The thing to bear in mind is that it goes soooooo fast. I know that sounds trite, but bear with me, this isn't going in the normal 'enjoy it whilst it lasts' direction.

When you talk to someone with a five year old, they remember very little of what it was actually like at 6 weeks, or 10, or 13 specifically. They remember a general impression of small babyhood being hard and gradually getting easier. When you're at 10 weeks you can't necessarily see the overall trend, but when you look back when your DD is 1, you probably will.

Even now, with my youngest only one, my memories are hazy.

What I am trying to say is that it does get easier. Gradually. With time. And not in a linear fashion. But it does.

Rivercam · 03/08/2015 17:01

I found the newborn stage difficult with my first child also. i remember feeling guilty for not always enjoying it. The glossy magazines show serene, well dressed mothers with picture perfect babies. The reality is completely different.

I remember going for a short walk most days helped, and going to a mother and baby group. It was good to talk to other mums. I do remember turning up and discovering afterwards I had my top inside out ( still feel embaressed at the thought of it 15 years later).

If the feelings persist, and you feel,it's more than tiredness etc, then please go and talk to your gp or midwife. Possibly you are suffering from post natal depression.

Congrats on your daughter.

Rivercam · 03/08/2015 17:02

Ps. Babies don't come with a handbook. It doesn't help, and no one can quite prepare you for the impact they have on your life,

Blankiefan · 03/08/2015 18:44

I promise it gets easier, I could have written your post but I've got a 22 month old monkey rolling around in the floor in front of me now and she's so much fun. Every day we all laugh - I didn't think is ever get here,

It's difficult when others seem to sail thru this stage and will tell you how much to enjoy it because "it goes so fast". I used to think "feckin hurry up then".

It helped enormously when I went back to work (at 6 months) and has gotten better and better as she got older. (Post 12 weeks does make a huge difference too)

Thankfully we only ever wanted one - I wouldn't thank you for those months again. You'll look back in a couple of years and will hopefully be enjoying the chaos of toddlerhood.

Littlef00t · 03/08/2015 19:03

10-12 weeks were the worst for me. I remember dragging myself to a coffee morning desperate for a chat and tlc and crying when I discovered it wasn't on. The kindly children centre worker took pity on me, and suggested I get the HV round.

By 12 weeks dd was sleeping for a 5 hour stretch at night. Even with naps I hadn't appreciated how important a decent stretch at night for mh was.

LibrariesGaveUsPower · 03/08/2015 19:13

Thankfully we only ever wanted one - I wouldn't thank you for those months again.

For those who do want more than one, you never have to do those months again!

Having a (say) two or three year old and a newborn is a whole world of difference. Your days are full in a way they just aren't with a newborn so it passes so much more easily. Plus you are acclimatised.

CaramellaDeVille · 03/08/2015 19:21

Libraries that is SO true!

Fishwives · 03/08/2015 19:27

It's an appalling time for lots of us, Tiny. I can hardly bear to remember it now, three years on, even though it was the period of first getting to know my gorgeous son - and as a pp said, I can remember very little detail. I think I've deliberately forgotten, it was so terrible.

If it helps, think of what's going on now as a self-limiting process which will work itself out without you actively having to do anything other than cuddle, feed and change your baby and keep from throwing it out the window at dark moments. Things will change, perhaps far faster than you think, without you having to change things. Your baby does the changing - that's her job. Just hang in there.

And there's no denying that you feel less helpless when she responds to you, and when she is able to signal what she wants with something other than crying. (Thank God for an early talker in my case...) The early months are all a kind of awful blur of frantically guessing what on earth a baby wants when s/he can't tell you, and you have a limited set of possibilities to offer - feed, change, wind, sleep etc.

toffeeboffin · 03/08/2015 19:34

It's been said already, but I'll say it again : please dont stress out trying to do loads of activities!

Just going to a friends, a walk in the park, nothing stressful is enough stimulation for your baby, dont break your back trying to get to a sodding play group at 9 am!

Hugs, it's hard I know

Original poster

tinygigolo · 03/08/2015 19:39

Rivercam, that's a good way of putting it, I feel guilty that I'm spending my time worrying about everything rather than enjoying my daughter.

OP posts:

Scotinoz · 03/08/2015 20:05

Newborns are hard work but it gets better!

Stop reading books and Googling, and just do stuff you want to. Go to the cinema, go for coffee, museums/galleries/etc, sofa with Netflix or a lot of long walks if bubs sleeps in the pram. They don't need much entertaining at that age and are happy watching you.

Baby groups are good but are for the benefit of mums Good for meeting other mums to eat cake with

Honestly, it does get easier

NearlySchoolTime · 03/08/2015 20:11

OP, I vividly remember sobbing at 4am when DS was that age - 6 years ago! I remember the worst thing was the fact we'd done this to ourselves voluntarily. But as others have said, it improved, and I am typing with 8 week old DD on my chest. The sleep deprivation is hideous again, and tonight as an added bonus I have sick in my hair, but this time I know this stage will pass, so I am coping so much better. Hang in there.

Needaninsight · 03/08/2015 20:11

The first 3 months are hard, especially when it's your first.

You'll look back on these portable days soon though with nostalgia :D

Just remember, you can take a shower. You can leave them in their cot for a bit. Don't do what I did with no1 and make things hard for yourself.

Look after yourself. Ask for some help. It will get better.

BoeBarlow · 03/08/2015 20:30

My DD screamed her way through the first few weeks of every baby class we went to (baby sensory, baby massage, baby yoga) but I stuck with it (out of sheer bloody mindedness and not wanting to be stuck in the house all day on my own with her). Now at 6 months we still go to loads of classes, she's an absolute delight at them, clearly benefits from the stimulation and I've met lots of other lovely new mums
I'm not saying the classes are for everyone but I'm so glad I stuck with them.

And trust me, no-one else hears your baby scream as loudly as you do. You're more tuned into your own baby and it always seems worse to you. Everyone else is too busy listening out for their own.

BurningGubbins · 03/08/2015 21:03

Thank you to the people saying it's not as bad with number 2. I've not long ago found out that I'm pregnant but so hated the tiny baby stage with my son I have been thinking it's something I'm going to have to endure. There are plenty of things I'll do differently this time around, just as you've advised the OP, chilling out and not worrying about being the World's Best Mother being the main ones.

OP, I distinctly remember having to go outside while my husband put our son to bed because I could not listen to his crying anymore without losing my mind. I also fantasised about pushing his pram in front of a bus. I didn't have pnd, I was just so tired and couldn't stand having him hanging on me every second of the day anymore. That was my wake up call that I needed a break, even a walk around the block on my own made a massive difference. And going back to work was amazing for me and undoubtedly made us all happier.

It gets better. As long as you're all live at the end of the day you're winning.

minipie · 03/08/2015 21:36

what everyone else said. This stage is shit for a lot of people, but honestly things will improve. I found 4 months to be a huge turning point - things went from awful to manageable - then another at 6 months - things started to be enjoyable.

on the practical side, it's quite likely your baby is grumpy because of the lack of day sleep - she's probably overtired which (in a vicious irony) makes it harder to get her to sleep. this will improve as she gets older because she'll need less sleep and so will be less prone to overtiredness and better at napping. In the meantime I suggest long buggy walks to get her sleeping more...

Not sure I agree with all the suggestions to join baby groups and do activities. At that stage all I could see was the sorted mums with blow dried hair (how?) and cooing babies, and it made me feel much worse. And 10 weeks is too young for your baby to care. Do get out of the house though, if only for a walk around the block.

avocadotoast · 03/08/2015 21:43

tiny I have a 10 week old too. I've cried twice tonight because I couldn't get her to settle or stop crying. We had a crap night last night with her waking up every two hours. DH has band practice tonight. I'm fucking exhausted right now.

I have no practical advice because I'm taking each day as it comes too! But I will offer you a virtual hand to hold. (And I also posted a very similar thread to this myself the other day. You're certainly not alone.)

I have found that it helps to plan ahead a little bit. I've booked us on to some baby swimming classes from September. Something to look forward to at least! And stick with the yoga; I've just started going too and just think, babies are babies, I'm sure everyone else in that room has had a screaming fit that day too!

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