Feel so upset - feel like I have lost ds

[arabella2]

Up till now dh has been the one that ds gravitates more towards during the day to play with etc... whereas I was more the comfort person (though I did go out with him a lot to see other kids etc...). I also slept half the night with him. Dd is now 7 weeks old and suddenly ds is okay with dh sleeping all night with him and doesn't ask for me like he used to do at first (and he would come to the bed where dd and I are sleeping) - he's also okay with dh putting him to bed. So now I feel kind of completely absent from his life - especially since because of breastfeeding dd and I are really tied at the hip... I feel as if my usefulness towards ds is now over - I grew him in my belly and nurtured him for more than 2 years and now I am not needed at all since dh is so present in his life (he works from home). I think it's great that he has a good relationship with his father and is able to spend so much time with him, but I feel a little redundant... Has anybody else had this and does it last forever or only until baby no. 2 stops being quite so dependent????
P.S. Dh doesn't understand at all but then what's new.

oh and in some ways we compete for ds's affection which is really sick and points to how crap our relationship is (mine and dh's that is)...
I feel a little like a tired breastfeeder and nothing else

Oh dear, please don't feel redundant.
i was in exactlly the same situation, 2.4 years between kids, DH works from home, DH& DS1 sleep in same room so I can be with the baby. In amidst the whirlwind of coping with and getting used to new baby in the family I too had these feelings.
But I have to say that it does balance out sooner or later and the opportunities youget for spenidng time with just you and DS1 are, at the risk of sounding like a Hallmark card, really precious.
For example we were on the way back from the Heath yesterday and DS2 had conkend out in the pushchair and DS1 was dragging his heels up the hill making a mess of a cornetto so Istoppedon a bench and he climbed on my knee and we spent 20 messy minutes taling and pointing to buses and eating ice cream together and it was as though all those times when i was tired and tied up with the baby were forgotten and it was our special relationship again.

so my advice is once you get over the upheaval of new baby, make the most of all the times with justyou andyour big boy and the magic will come back. And boys ALWAYS need their mummies

HTH

Hi arabella

At the moment your DS may gravitate towards your DH but that could and very probably will all change in the future. He is still very young and you really dont need to worry that your usefullness to him is over, you have many more years to come where you will certainly find that you are needed. Sounds to me as though you are very low and this is playing on your mind more than it really should.

I have three children and my DD3 in particular is very close to her dad, but I know there will come a time when it will be me that she will cling to and then probably back to her dad again, because kids are like that. Please try not to worry too much about this you will find as your ds gets older that things will change.

Take Care xx

Sorry about the typos, am fielding baby as I type.
Forgot to say that IMO the close relationship you older boy has with his dad is invaluable and something really worthwhile, so don't knock it, if you see what I mean

hi arabella
yes, I don't know which is worse - feeling that you have 'lost' your elder child because s/he goes to daddy for comfort as well as fun, or the alternative, when both younger and elder child are clamouring for you and you alone, and you simply can't give then both what they want. I think that on balance, for me, it has to be better that elder child is becoming closer to her daddy. It distresses me more than anything when dd (elder) obviously wants and needs my time and I just can't put ds down without him screaming. One thing about having children at these ages is that the older one is trying out a bit of independence just when the new one has arrived, so it's all new at the same time IYSWIM.
i remmeber in the old days when I was expecting dd and could read books for more than 30 secs at a time I read a book about motherhood which made the point that almost as soon as they are born we have to start preparing them for leaving us, and that's one of the great dilemmas of parenting. I'm not suggesting ds is leaving you, but his ablity to be close with your dh maybe feels that way. but isn't it fantastic that they can be so close and that he can love you both and need you both?
sorry, a bit rambling, need more sleep as usual.
good luck, keep going

Try to remember that at only 7 weeks post birth you are still in quite a fragile emotional state yourself. I remember when dd was born I became quite resentful of her because dh was so besotted with her I felt he didn't care about me. Of course he did and it's wonderful that he's so nuts about her too, but I couldn't see that at the time.
Since then dd has gone through periods of being a mummy's and a daddy's girl so you'll get your turn again and probably dh will be your dds favourite for a while.
Good luck.

Thanks for your answers. I know you are all right about his relationship with dh being important - I know it is... I felt a little better immediately after this posting because ds asked for me at night after a bad dream etc... - sounds selfish doesn't it, that I felt better after a manifestation of this kind but I guess I'm only human. Then tonight he told me that dh is his favourite. I feel slightly jealous again - I am really tied up with dd and I don't have the time or the energy to play with ds in the way that dh does... In any case I think dh is very good with kids - I do have my strengths but he is quite magnetic. Also the bloody house and looking after it is another priority (in my head anyway, you should see how bad it looks tonight!) whereas dh wouldn't even think of it and would play with ds instead. Another thing ds said tonight that hurt a bit - that he had been to the park with Daddy (understandable, dh did all the playing with him while I looked after dd), his sister and Mummy... I was upset that he mentioned me last - his sister has only been here 8 weeks whereas I have been here all his life. Sorry if I sound really mad. This is probably tapping into my own insecurities - but is my role as mother that of invisible nurturer until the age of 2 - I am really knackered all of the time and so feel invisible and unattractive and I am pissed off with it . I suppose I am jealous of dh because he has some of his old identity as well as being favourite father - whereas I gave up everything to be a mother. He (dh) is a very strong personality and I sometimes feel swamped by him...
Anyway, rant over...

Arabella
are you feeling any better about any or all of this now?

Yes, thank you for asking. It's an ongoing thing - ds is changing all the time and the connection between him and I is definitely not the same as it was before the birth of dd, but on the other hand I think it would have evolved anyway. I think once I can kind of get organised and when dd becomes less dependent on me, then ds and I can start building our own things together that we like to do. Dh is definitely very important for ds, especially now, and whereas part of me is a little jealous, the good part of me is glad that ds does have somebody who has the kind of time and energy for him that dh does. Also, whereas I am going through mixed emotions regarding the change in ds's behaviour (a little "naughty" sometimes) and how distant he seems at times, dh just loves him more and more every day. I am not saying I don't, but I am struggling a little to relate this new person to the baby and small toddler that I absolutely adored (and when I say adored I mean adored...). I too catch myself thinking sometimes that if we hadn't had a second child then ds and I could have carried on as before (no discredit meant to dd) but in any case I think what both dh and I are going through with regards to our two children is normal and part of the adjustment process (ie. mother hormonally bonds with tiny baby and has to make space for him/her and so this changes the relationship with the "old" baby, father on the other hand takes much longer to bond with the new baby and concentrates all his energy on the "old" one, in some cases resenting the mother's seeming loss of interest in him/her... I read this somewhere in a book and it is us totally - except that I do love ds, I'm just sad at what we have lost and cannot always relate to some of his new ways of being)....
Phew - that was long - bet you're sorry you asked .

arabella
I'm speaking from the long perspective here: mine are 16, 12 and 10. They do change, you do change, they need you more or less from time to time, but oddly enough I've found that mine almost need me more as they get older. When they are tiny they need you because you are the physical centre of their world, then the emotional centre: later on they start to set up their own identity and they use you as the mirror to try things out.

I can understand the jealousy, but just think how lucky your children are to have two people who think they are miracles. Best guartantee for a long and loving relationship between parents and offspring