Feeling down with newborn and toddler

[slightlyconfused85]

I've got a 10 day old baby boy and 2.8 year old dd. I've got the usual problems of a very hungry baby, frazzled attention seeking toddler who won't play with her toys suddenly. I feel guilty as I've resorted to dummy for when baby is unsettled and dd needs me too. I feel so down today; I feel like I'm not going to be able to cope and all I've done is upset my dd and not enhanced her life at all. Not sure how I'm going to get through the long newborn nights, early toddler mornings and crying from all corners. I love ds but feel regretful today.

Oh hang in there lovely. The hormones are all over the place, the reality has hit. This bit is hard.

My older two are 6 and 4 now and they've massively 'enhanced' one another's life. It does get a lot easier after the first few months - the baby finds a pattern and you find your feet.

When I had no. 2 someone said to me "Don't set your standards too high to start with. Everyone's fed and no-one's dead - that's a win"

Hi OP, poor you...it is HARD WORK having a toddler and a newborn. Please don't feel guilty - if a dummy helps your baby, there's nothing wrong with that! Is there anyone in real life who can help with the kids while you have a nap/shower/rest? If not, can the three of you get out of the house even for a short while? Change of scenery might help, and toddler migh burn off some energy/frustration...I know the thought is terrifying the first few times you do it with two, but it almost certainly won't be as hard as you think. If neither of those things are possible, be kind to yourself. CBeebies, sofa and cuddles won't do any of you any harm while you find your feet. I hope you feel better very soon. Have lots of cake as well!

Thanks. We are having some nice moments all together and dd does like him- any poor behavioir is directed at me and dh and I do understand why so trying to be gentle with her as far as possible. Ds is not a very difficult baby I don't think but even so I feel overwhelmed by this responsibility and terrified of dh going back to work next week

I felt the same a few weeks ago. DD1 was 3.9 when DD2 was born and the first weeks were so hard. I BF at first and DD2 was a hungry baby who fed all the time. DD1 found this very difficult and often asked when she would have a bottle so I could play with her again. I obviously felt awful! I stopped BF at 6 weeks (for other reasons too) and I have to say I found it much easier. She was much more settled, slept longer and I was able to spend time with DD1 just the 2 of us. I'm not saying that's the answer but for us it was the best decision for the family. DD2 is 3.5 months now and things are much better. Could you get someone to come and hold the baby for an hour or so so you can spend some time with your eldest? Will your DD watch a DVD or cartoons? DD1 watched a lot of TV in the first few weeks but it wasn't forever. A few months on they are developing their own relationship and it's lovely to watch so hang in there!

Try not to think too much about DH going back to work - a week is a long time when it comes to newborns! I'm sure you'll be far more comfortable and confident by then...but if you're still feeling overwhelmed and sad, please do talk to your midwife/HV/GP.

Mine are 2.5 and 1yo. It is without a doubt the hardest thing ever and I dreaded DH going to work. But...although it was hard managing the both of them on my own during those early days, I actually found it was better when DH wasnt there as it made me get up and get going and I slowly got into a routine.

I invited friends and family over all the time. They gave my toddler company whilst I bf and also it helped to pass the time, and they were an extra pair of hands if I needed help.

Just take one day at a time. I think even small things like cuddles and storytime whilst baby sleeps are a good way of reconnecting with toddler if they're feeling left out.

If you can ditch the guilt. The first few months are hard. Dummies (and TV) are not a problem so don't feel bad about using them.

You're at the really hard bit.

Fast forward three or four years or so to the stage I am now at with mine. They are such a little team together now they are 6 and not far off four - it's made me realise what I missed out on having only a sibling who was lovely but so very much younger.

Use the dummy and the TV! It won't last forever, and when things get a little easier you can ease back on the habits you don't want to get entrenched. But for now, survival is the name of the game!

My DS had a dummy from asap and his sister watched a LOT of tv in the early days and weeks.

PS you'll be terrified of your DH going back to work. Then the day will come when he does, and you will muddle through. And you won't be terrified anymore because it will be OK.

Don't feel guilty about dummies!! You're doing really well! X

Thanks everyone so much for your reassurance. We managed to get out to visit a friend this morning and i didn't cry! I know it will get better as it did with dd but I really not a newborn type and find them very overwhelming. One day at a time I need to remember

I have a 2.8 year old and a 2 week old - today is the last day I have DH around and I am also terrified!! Literally no idea how I'll manage going anywhere, the constant bfeeding, bedtimes!

I have 19 month old and 10 day old. At the moment the only way I can see this working is if dp gives up his job! I'm feeling very guilty about ds, he's watching so much tv and eating crap at the minute. He's coping quite well but i think he's missing me-I know I'm missing him. Dd feeds constantly throughout the afternoon which I'm hoping will settle down into something more managable by next week. Two weeks really isn't enough paternity leave with a second. We've saved Dps holidays and we're planning for him to take them over the coming weeks to coincide with events at the childrens centre so he can take ds out to something every week.
I think a certain amount of pragmatism is called for. Ds can watch tv and have his dummy. We're trying dd with a dummy but she isn't keen. Bf is the biggie-it means a lot to me but other things are more important, I#m aiming to mix feed.

Honestly, you just get used to it. By DC3 I was doing school runs with a two week old - all out the door by 8.30am (and had a middle one not at school ).

It passes so fast and I really can't remember how I did it. I just did.

My tip would be that generally toddler takes priority. Baby might not like waiting 10 minutes for a nappy change, or being bunged in the car half way through a feed, but he/she can't run off, or wet their pants if you make them wait, and won't come to any lasting harm.

Thanks all. I've felt a bit less tearful today since reading these and dh, dd, ds and I went for a windy woodland walk. I guess it doesn't help that ds coincides with the summer holidays when there is precisely no toddler groups running locally, she doesn't start pre school till September and the weather sucks so my plans for garden fun are out the window...